People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!

Happy Labor Day, mutherfuckers. I just worked an eight hour shift, came home and slammed two beers on an empty stomach and am now drunk off my fat girly bottom. In fact, I am far too arseholed to come up with a clever segue into this article. I just really love The Young Ones. I've loved The Young Ones since 1985, when they started showing episodes on MTV, in the olden days before MTV became a void of empty commercialism and vainglorious self-masturbation. Do they even show music videos on there anymore?

Anyway, I don't even remember how I hit upon the idea of writing an article about The Top 10 Most Gross Out Moments of The Young Ones, but I did, and I'm doin' it and you can't stop me. So here it is.

The Top 10 Most Gross Out Moments of The Young Ones

In no particular order at all...

#1 - Rik Hates Rats, Okay?
Episode 1 - Demolition

In this pilot episode, Rik spots a pair of filthy vermin just chilling in the soon-to-be-demolished flat he shares with lentil-obsessed hippie Neil, violent punker Vyvyan and Mike Thecoolperson, and does what any terminal wally would do: he grabs a guitar out of the refrigerator - a guitar that was made entirely out of matchsticks by Neil's grandfather who was on his deathbed at the time - and proceeds to beat one of the rats to death with it, leaving the remaining rodent to cannibalize the remains. Adding insult to injurt, Rik flicks a triumphant V at the mutilated remains once he's done.
 
#2 - (pffft! number twos!)
It Was Bound to Happen Sooner or Later
Episode 2 - Oil

The gang moves into their new flat, which looks like a gigantic lavatory, and Vyvyan promptly gets bored. When playing "Murder in the Dark" proves unsatisfying, he heads down to the cellar and starts smashing his head against the floor, discovering an untapped vein of black gold in the process! Forcing Neil to mining detail, the stupid bloody hippie accidentally slams a pickaxe through the back of Vyvyans skull, permanently nailing both his crash helmet and a stray boulder to his head in the process. Vyvyan is surprisingly forgiving of the faux pas, but doesn't die immediately, staggering to his feet just long enough to eject a mouthful of rancid bile in protest of the "Passage Of Time" gimmick.

#3 - You can't do acupuncture with 6-inch nails
Episode 11 - Sick

The guys are all ill. Horribly ill. Even SPG is all covered in snot. There's nothing left for anyone to wipe their noses on, and Rik's shouting isn't helping at all. Neither is Neil's volcanic sneezing, every expulsion releasing a projectile avalanche of thick green snot. Even sealing him up inside of Rik's laundry bag comes too late as Neil's bogie flood has already ignited a street riot. Mike fails to return from the chemists with The Cure so Madness is forced to perform instead. Worst of all, Neil's parents are coming round to tea in thirty seconds!


 #4 - So I took my dungarees off, and...
Episode 10 - Time

Rik wakes up after a wild party and finds a girl beside him in bed. The thought of him actually having maybe engaged in sex is disgusting enough, but then he fumbles out of bed and stumbles to his feet, revealing the nastiest, stankiest, poo-stained, farted-up, semen-soiled, piss-crusty pair of worn out underpants in the known fucking universe. Maggots would barf upon encountering this wasteland of masturbatory despair. It's shocking that Helen the Completely Mad Murderess didn't die gagging on the fumes, dutch-ovened as she must have been for even a brief second. The thought of the scabby balls, flaky skin and lice-infested pubes which surely must lurk beneath that rotting shroud is stomach churning horror in its purest form.

#5 - I think I'm going to be violently and copiously sick.
Episode 10 - Time

Vyvyan - suffering from a violent hangover on the same morning that Rik's leprous underpants are revealed for the first time in all of their brown smudged glory - echoes our sentiments when, already nauseated and forced to listen to Rik's total bullshit story about the sex he didn't have the night before, suddenly leans forward in his chair and vomits all over Rik, spraying out a chunky, yellowish mess that looks downright appetizing compared to Rik's Y-fronts. Thank you, Vyv.

#6 - What's Domestos?
Episode 11 - Sick

Neil makes the appalling suggestion that Mike fetch something with which to clean the toilet while he's at the chemists. Mike, Rik and Vyvyan are outraged. After all, all that Blue Loo scene is for squares. When Cliff Richard wrote "Wired for Sound" no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory! Intent upon keeping the character that the toilet has thus far possessed, Mike refuses to entertain the notion of purchasing a cleansing agent. However, upon witnessing the bowel splattered bowl cannibalizing the brush, he has second thoughts.

#7 - Being rude first thing in the morning is a terribly trendy thing to do!
Episode 4 - Bomb

Rik has got a lecture today and he thinks his appearance is going to be rather important. Which is why he's popping a very real looking zit right into the camera at the start of the episode. I swear to god that had to have been a real zit that cropped up on Rik's face just prior to filming, because it looks angry and appears to be truly bleeding as he forcibly pokes at it. Knowing the Late Great Mayall, he probably woke up, spotted a spot and thought: "I have got to work this into the show somehow! That'll make the kids love me!"


#8 - Do Not Lean Out of the Window.
Episode 7 - Bambi

Vyvyan learns a very important lesson about travel safety when he foolishly ignores a sign posted on the train to Manchester imploring him not to lean out of the window. Which he promptly does. Just seconds later, his spotty, mohawked head is clipped from his spinal column at 200mph, and Vyv retracts a blood-spurting stump from the window with a horrible disembodied scream. Furious at himself for being such a dumbass, he commences to kicking his own severed head down the railroad track like a lopsided soccer ball in true British punk fashion.


#9 - Next time, throw that paper out as well!
Episode 2 - Oil

It's their first night in their new flat and the boys are relaxing after setting Neil's bedroom on fire. Vyvyan is downstairs playing murder in the dark, Rik is attempting to go to bed but it's been turned into a roller disco, Mike is practicing his golf game and Neil is taking a colossal dump in the toilet, which Vyvyan has considerately thrown out of the window. Mike's golf ball plunks right on target, between Neil's legs and into the mess below. When Neil throws it back, Rik conveniently catches the feces slimed, sopping wet object in both hands, and promptly begins screaming in disgust.  It can't be all that bad though, considering Neil is a vegetarian.


#10 -It's the toaster for you!
Episode 4 - Bomb

Vyvyan's pet hamster SPG (short for Special Patrol Group, which is a really stupid name for a hamster) attempts to electrocute Vyv by plugging in the TV set that Vyv has just digested. In violent retaliation, Vyv stomps his hamster to death beneath his Doc Marten boots and then proceeds to stuff SPG's pancaked corpse into the toaster, shouting "BURN!" as the rodent audibly sizzles. It's alright though: SPG was basically the "Kenny" of The Young Ones. Vyvyan killed him several times during the series, and the little fucker always came back.