The 2015 Annie's

Fuck the Oscars. Here's the Sex Pistols The Annie's.

CATEGORY ~ Creepiest, Ickiest, Most "I-need-a-scalding-hot-shower-right-the-fuck-now" Scene.
WINNER ~ Samuel L. Jackson for The Hateful Eight:

Major Marquis Warren: Beggin' for his life, your boy told me his whole Life Story. And YOU, was in that story General. And when I knew me I had the son, of the Bloody Nigger Killer of Baton Rouge, I knew me I was gonna have some fun! It was COLD the day I killed your boy. And I don't mean snowy mountain in Wyoming cold... Colder than that. And on that cold day, with your boy at the business end of my gun barrel... I made him STRIP. Right down to his bare ass. Then I told him to start walkin'. I walked his naked ass for two hours... 'fore the cold collapsed him. Then he commits to beggin' again. But this time, he wasn't beggin' to go home. He knew he'd never see his home again. And he wasn't beggin' for his life neither, 'cause he knew that was long gone. All he wanted, was a BLANKET. Now don't judge your boy too harshly, General. You ain't never been cold as your boy was that day. You'd be surprised; what a man that cold, would-do-for-a-blanket. You wanna know what your boy did? I pulled my BIG, BLACK, PECKER outta my pants. And I made him crawl in the snow on all fours over to it. Then I grabbed a handful of that black hair at the back of his head... And I stuck my Big Black Johnson right down his goddamn throat! And it was fulla' blood... so it was warm. Oh, you bet your sweet ass it was warm. And Charles Chester Smithers sucked on that warm black dingus for as loong as he could. Hahahaahaha! Startin' to see pictures, ain't ya?

CATEGORY ~ Frylock's "Clone something too many times, and the molecular structure will break down" Award.
WINNER - Paranormal Activity - The Ghost Dimension.

Seriously. Stop making this movie over and over and over again. Just...stop it.


CATEGORY ~ Most Garbly, Unintelligible Line of Dialogue Delivered by Tom Hardy.
WINNER ~ Tom Hardy for The Revenant.

This is from The Revenant, right?

What he actually said: "You came all this way just for your revenge, huh? Did you enjoy it, Glass?... 'Cause there ain't nothin' gon' bring your boy back."

What I heard: "Goo kimb oll fway jis feyoh venge rrugh? Joo injowit, Glz? Cuzair nt nuddn gun briner bobeck."


CATEGORY ~ Break Out Role in the Latest Star Wars Sequel/Prequel/Remake/Update.
WINNER ~ Sadie Swenson, aka Billie Lourd, daughter of Princess Leia and Charles Manson, for Scream Queens.

"I have bathroom shame issues. I always wait until everyone is asleep and then I sneak down to poop in the little powder room downstairs. That way, no one will disturb me. I usually wait a week or so between movements so it can be kind of an intense workout. I sweat a lot."

CATEGORY ~ The Most Unnecessary Horror Remake That Nobody Bothered to Watch Anyway.
WINNER ~ Poltergeist.

Sorry kid. Nobody cares.

CATEGORY ~ Best Vampire Who Doesn't Sparkle, or Wear Velvet, or Speak with a Romanian Accent, or Spout Poetry, or Look Like a Calvin Klein Underwear Model.
WINNER ~ Stephen McHattie as Vaun in The Strain.

Setrakian: You're the idiot brother of the man child who stole my clock.
Gus: (indignant) I gave you back your clock.
Vaun: Okay, shut up. Let's go.

CATEGORY ~ Best Trailer
WINNER ~ 10 Cloverfield Lane

Alright Va-JJ Abrams. You've already managed to fuck up 11.22.63, so do NOT fuck this one up. There had better be a giant insectoid Godzilla monster in this flick or you are fired from life.


CATEGORY ~ The Most Headdesk, Facepalm Display of Stupidity in a Horror Movie Committed by Characters Who Know Something is Wrong but Decide to Poke it with a Stick Anyway.
WINNER ~ We Are Still Here.

Female Characters: "Okay husbands, we are leaving for a while to buy some alcohol, because getting drunk in a house where demonic ghosts are hanging out is such a great idea. NO SEANCES while we're gone!"

Male Character to Other Male Character: "Hey, they're gone! Let's have a seance!"

CATEGORY ~ Best Actor
WINNER ~ Black Phillip, aka Charlie the Goat, aka Satan of The Witch.

aka Wahab Choudry, aka holy SHIT YES, I will remove my shift and smear myself in butter for a chance to live deliciously with you, lovely horny goat man. Guide my hand, baby. "What dost thou want?" Seriously? You can't guess? Hummina hummina hummina. I wanna be a Witch! Sign me the fuck up and give me a goat!

The Meh-venant (aka I was rooting for the bear)

rev·e·nant
noun
a person who has returned, especially supposedly from the dead.

Yeah yeah, I know - this will no doubt make me about as popular as a fart in an oxygen tent, but fucking sue me. I'm not really into these big, brawny, hairy, glistening, two-fisted, Manly Man against Nature, pseudo-Shakespearean sweaty-balled, mythological He Films. It just ain't my thing. Maybe because I'm female - not ruling out that possibility. So perhaps I am not at all qualified to review The Revenant, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hardy and a bear. But it's getting so much Oscar Buzz that one cannot help but inhale the contact high and hope for the best. So I watched it.

Black Robe, 1991

And was underwhelmed.
Don't worry, this will be a short review.
I'm pretty much just going to point out the things I didn't like about it.

I've already seen this movie, not once but three times. The first time, it was going by the title Gladiator. Impossibly godlike good man unjustly loses wife and son and attains hero status by seeking his vengeance, even though he's kind of an asshole really.

The second time I saw it, it was Black Robe. Canadian Indian pilgrimy forest saga with dream visions and arrows through the throat and the scalpings and white guys shagging hot Indian princesses and gruesome blood splattered death and stuff.

Valhalla Rising, 2009

Finally, it showed up toting itself as Valhalla Rising, a good, long mead horn crammed full of distorted hallucinations, Indians, more horrible rapes and deaths and muddy guys getting bloody and bloody guys getting muddy and smelly animal skins and Vikings boxing, yeahyeahyeah.

I liked Gladiator.
I hated Black Robe.
I loved Valhalla Rising.
And so here I am, totally MEH over The Revenant.
Like Celie said: "It be's like that sometimes."

I could not understand a single fucking word that Tom Hardy said. Maybe he needed more time to extract himself from the mumbly, twitchy Mad Max shell before taking on this role, I dunno.

I like Tom Hardy. I could have dealt with the mushmouthedness of his Hairy Crazy White Guy if I had even a molecular sized scrap of like for Leo DiCaprio. But I don't. Never have. Not saying the guy lacks talent, because he doesn't. I've just never been a fan.

I'm really really really really fucking sick of seeing Hairy Stinky 1800 era Lumberjacks win the love of the hottest Indian Babe in a Buckskin Bikini and simultaneously earn the respect of even the oldest and most wisest pipe-smoking Medicine Man ever to shapeshift into an eagle. Bull. Shit. White guys were all pretty much cockroaches back then, lets be real. (shit, most of them still are) Cut the Little Big Man/Thunderheart shit already. They didn't want us here, and we pretty much fucked everything up. No white hunter/trapper who lived before the age of the underarm deoderant had a valid Native-esque dreamquest or an honorary Limbos With Farm Animals name. Shit all over that nonsense.

And yeah, I was rooting for the bear.

Look, she had cubs. And she was there first. Get your dumb honky ass outta the fricken woods, Jethro.

And also yeah, I probably was the only person singing to myself at the point where Leo reunites with his dead son via a dead Indian hottie in a euphoric snow-globe dream: "Touched by an Angel, Fucked by a Bear!"

I be's like that sometimes.

But hey, go ahead and give Leo an Oscar. I don't give a shit.

Infuriated