Sit Down & Shut Up, please...

You're crazy! Please, you've got to make them stop!

Pffa, hokay. I'm going to preface this by saying something to the effect of: "I don't think I'm better than anyone just because I've been a horror fan since 1973 and have seen more horror films than the average person and have a rather extensive and incredibly geeky knowledge of my chosen genre because I genuinely love it and made it my mission in life to know everything about it." I really don't think that. What I am saying, however, is just this: "I am 45 years old, and therefore too old and tired to tolerate your arrogant bullshit anymore. I'm not impressed, or intimidated. I'm not getting paid for this and I don't owe anyone anything. I don't want to be famous, I don't care about your connections and I'm pretty sure I'll survive if the editors of Fangoria don't want to be my best friend. I. Don't. Care."

What I do care about is writing, and horror films. I was writing before I knew how to spell. I was watching horror movies before I had permission. These things are in my blood. I can't NOT watch horror movies and not write about them afterwards. And so I do, with no reward and none expected. I do it because I have to. It's involuntary. It's like breathing.

I also feel like Your Mom right about now. Seriously kids, shut the fuck up, sit down and behave. Stop quibbling over whose connections are tighter, whose screener deal is sweeter and who is kissing who's ass at the next Burbank convention. Nobody cares, it's not important and you sound like a bunch of pretentious, twatty little cunts with your panties up your ass.

Case in point:

I'm not going to rehash the entire argument. Read it for yourself HERE, and then come back and read the Twits when you're done. Don't bother looking for them on Twitter because they've been deleted already. Also, I'm not speaking on behalf of the guy who writes for Shadowplay. I'm just a fan of his blog and this pissed me off. End of story.

Ken Hanley has since removed the offensive tweets and apologized to the writer he aimed them at, but the fact that he left this tweet behind:

Tells me that he is...what is it the kids say nowadays? "Sorry not sorry?" Yeah. That.

Look Hanley, just because you work for Fangoria does not make you the Second Coming of Horror Christ. It does not excuse you from acting like a playground bully. You know what is really unprofessional? The following statement, made by you, is a golden goddamned example: "hey garbagedick, nice blog, you fuck your mother with those fingers?" Now how is that professional? Or appropriate behavior for someone of your perceived caliber?

Furthermore, threatening payment redaction because an author chose to post their writing on their own personal page in its unedited entirety the way it was intended is about as effective as threatening a hardcore black metal musician that they are forbidden to attend the Grammys. Pretty sure they don't give a fuck. Why don't you just throw a kegger and not invite the school nerd? Because that's what I hear when I read your condescending twatter.

Also, I couldn't possibly agree less with Chris Alexander, editor of Fangoria, who responded to the argument linked above with the following:

Mr. Alexander, with respect, are you aware of the fact that the writer in question was responding to the unprofessional and immature behavior of one of your own staff? A boy who referred to the writer as "garbagedick?" He responded to the insult better than I would have, with all of the professionalism and restraint that I would have chucked the fuck out the window and exchanged for fever-bitch expletive turbo rant in the general direction of the scabby little shit who dared think he could namecall me and get the fuck away with it. Not this far out of high school, honey.

Also, sorry but (not sorry) bullshit. Yes, editing is oftentimes necessary and acceptable changes can be made with the authors cooperation. However, you (in general, not personally) cannot simply re-word an entire article, throw out what you don't like or think may require your readers to pick up a fucking dictionary and then act surprised when the writer gets pissed. Writing is art and art is not a product. By altering the tone of the article without consenting with the writer first, you have pretty much said: "Fuck your artistic integrity. Just write shit that sells good to 14 year olds who are too stupid to know what actual journalism is!" That may not have been your intention, but that's how it came off to me. And once again, I'm reminded of the Spiderbaby debacle of a few years past. You know, when Lianne cut and pasted a shitload of reviews written by other people and passed them off as her own? And when confronted about it, she accused us of simply being jealous of her beauty, her popularity, her fame and her relationship (now defunct) with Quentin Tarantino. No, you're not plagiarizing, but it comes down to the same thing in a nutshell. We should be grateful that you're posting any of the shit that we write in your bigass magazine. We should be thankful that you're squeezing us in between a undeserved and glowing review of The Conjuring and a full color ad for the newest Lionsgate piece of shit direct to DVD release. We should be as servants before God. We should accept the scraps you throw us from the banquet table and not complain.

Well, I am complaining. No one else will because they're all too afraid of the repercussions but I have nothing at stake. This is why I left the horror community and went back to writing whatever the hell I felt like writing on my own goddamned tiny little nothing blog. I was tired of being told to kiss ass to get good screeners. I was tired of pseudo-celebrities measuring my friendship by gain. I wasn't even that big of a deal when I was in it, but I got tired of it fast.  I don't play games and I won't suck anybody's dick. I'm a horror movie fan. A simple, old school, sit-in-the-dark-by-myself-in-my-pajamas-watching-USA-Up-All-Night-on-TNT horror fan: a nerd, an outcast, a loner. Too many people have been helping themselves to the horror world lately, people who haven't earned it,  taking the most accessible genre of film and turned it into their own little fiefdoms. They've crowned themselves kings and declared themselves elite and have convinced themselves that we need them.

We don't.
I don't.
Get over yourselves.

Let the character assassination begin.