Jurassic World

 Jurassic World (2015)

AKA: Jurassic Park 4, Jurassic Park reboot, Jurassic Park for Dummies, One Big Pile of Shit.

Starring: Ron Howard's daughter, a bunch of token minorities who may as well be wrapped in cellophane and stamped with a USDA grade, Chris Pratt (whoever the hell he is), Vincent D'Onofrio, a bunch of dinosaurs, that Asian guy who was in the first movie, that chick who played Bryce Dallas Howard's sister in The Village and also plays her sister here, an abandoned Six Flags in Florida and some other people.

Synopsis: The first movie, except with a lot more people and a chick playing John Hammond.

Chris Pratt is supposed to be our hero. His name is Owen. He's a muscly, flippant badass who has become the Velociraptors Alpha and trained them to be his bitches. His macho posing is about 50 years out of date and his brand of action hero (i.e. never wrong, never misses, always gets the girl) comes off as a caricature. Alan Grant, he ain't. Not even Hugh Grant. Not even Eddie Grant.

Ian Malcolm with flare.

Claire with Flare.

The redhead over there is Bryce Dallas Howard, who plays uptight Claire, the super corporate director of Jurassic World. She's endearingly bumbling and stammeringly nervous around Owen and can't do anything right. Despite her bungle through the jungle, her immaculate white suit stays spotless. She wants to be a badass, but like, she's just a girl! But hey, Owen is her boyfriend, so he can do the badassing.

Lex & Tim

 Those are the kids, Zach and Gray. I don't know for sure which one is which and I don't care. Their parents are getting divorced, so they're sent off to Jurassic World while mom and dad hash out the legal shit. Luckily, mom's sister is the totally inept Claire, who shoves the kids off on her cell phone addicted assistant who seems to have groomed herself in the image of Sofie Fatale. The younger kid is whiny, the older kid is hormonally

Zach & Gray

assholish. Of course they wander off where they're not supposed to and get their stupid asses endangered almost immediately.

Indominus

This is the Indominus Rex, a genetically engineered monster which is a combination of a T-rex and a Velociraptor. We're not supposed to know it's part Velociraptor until the twist ending, but it very obviously looks like a Velociraptor.
It's supposed to be scarier than the T-rex.
It isn't.

Spiny

Nothing has yet topped Jurassic Park 3's Spinosaurus.

Apparently I-rex's supreme power is draining all of the Smart out of anyone who come within a five mile radius, none of whom stop to think for one mutherfucking second that its GPS might have simply malfunctioned before they wander into it's lair. Why they didn't strip naked and roll around in a panful of beef gravy beforehand eludes me.

My kingdom for cranial kinesis, a quadrate bone and lots of hinge joints.

I hated this movie. My mom hated this movie. This wasn't even a movie, it was Jurassic Park post soul-removal with extra cheese. As a eulogy for Sir Richard Attenborough, it's an insult. I mean, I knew it was going to suck, but I thought it might at least be fun to watch for the dinosaurs. It's not. Seeing the Velociraptors tamed and cowed in the presence of a mere man - and a douchey one at that - was akin to seeing Cindy Lou Who sodomized by the Grinch. Indominus was a severe letdown: I was expecting Godzilla and got Pikachu. And that final nod between T-Rex and Blue the 'raptor? What the fuck was that? Jurassic Casablanca? Was T-Rex receiving social etiquette training? It's kinda hard to convince me that this movie wants us to denounce the slick, shiny, corporatized process of nature into an accessible, danger-free toy when this whole goddamned movie is a slick, shiny, corporatized process of nature into an accessible, danger-free toy. When the pterodactyls started dive bombing the tourists, my mom yelled "EAT THE RICH!" at the screen.

There is nothing here worth recommending, in case you somehow missed the subtle juxtapositioning of the screenshots I've arranged here from Jurassic Park '92 and Jurassic World '15.

Lex and Tim

Owen and Claire

Jurassic Park

Jurassic World

I can't even get enthused enough to rip this movie a more ragged and bloodier asshole than I already have. I'm too disappointed. What next, a reboot of The Banana Splits starring Justin Bieber as Drooper and Lindsay Lohan as Snork?