Goat Haute

It has recently been brought to my attention that the appalling lack of goats to be found in horror movies nowadays is appalling. Appallingly so, to be frank. It is as if there exists within Hollywood's infrastructure a deep seated anti-goatism agenda at work, insidiously planting the seeds of goat prejudice in our collective psyches. It's Fear of a Horned Goat Planet all up in here, people. And thankfully, there does exist within our midst a small group of filmmakers unafraid to embrace the goat.

Actually this is all bullshit. I got home late last night, had a beer and asked my friend Erik (1/2 of the amazing podcasting team henceforth to be known as The Heart Of Dorkness) what the hell my next article should be about. He said "goats" thinking I wouldn't do it, I said "okay" because I'm stupid like that, and here we are: Goats In Horror Movies.

The Lords Of Salem (2012)  

Goat Count: At least 3.
Goat Rating: 3 out of 5 goats.

Herman Jackson: Can you explain the philosophy behind your music?
Count Gorgann: Our philosophy is to expose the lies of the Christian whores and Jesus, the true bringer of death.
Count Gorgann: We are not the crying sheep of God, we are the mighty goat.
Heidi Hawthorne: Why the goat? Why not the pig?
Count Gorgann: The goat has free will and for that reason he will always be punished by the oppressor, God. God must die. God is the unholy pig. We serve the butcher.
Herman Jackson: OK..

Drag Me To Hell (2009)

Goat Count: One.
Goat Rating: 2 out of 5 goats

Goat: [bleating] You tricked me, you black-hearted who-o-o-o-o-ore! You b-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-itch!

God I hated this movie. But it's got a possessed goat bleating obscenities in it so points awarded.

The Witch (2016)
Goat Count: Looks like just one, but who knows?
Goat Rating: Hasn't been released yet, but the trailer looks AWESOME!!!









Shub-Niggurath
The Black Goat of the Wood with a Thousand Young

No, this isn't a movie. It's a creation of H.P. Lovecraft's. But it's popped up in several movies, either as a direct reference or an allusion, never seen because you know how those Lovecraft monsters are - all so mind-blowingly deformed and cyclopeanistically freaky that they drive you all batshit crazy even if you only glimpse them once from a football field away, squinting because you left your glasses on the nighstand.

The Devil's Rain (1975)

Hmm, let's see, how can we make Ernest Borgnine look even creepier than he usually does? Oh, I know! Let's turn him into a man-goat! Give him a Satanic little soul patch, throw in some Shatner and Travolta action. BAM! The Yuck Factor just shot through the fucking goat ceiling.

Krampus (2015)

Coming This Christmas: a really big ass goat demon with ginormous horns and most likely a bodily funk not unlike a rank mixture of Brussels sprouts and hot dog water.

Did I miss any?

Ooh! Oooh! My friend Farah of Mantid Magazine just clued me into this one - The Return of the Sorcerer, an episode of Night Gallery, starring this goat as Vincent Price's dad! Wait, what?