MaryaNox: 100 Faces of Death

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

100 Faces of Death - COMPLETED!

Ten days to go until Halloween. And I've been wracking my brain trying to think of a worthy post for what is not only the 666th Halloween in recorded history, but also my 100th post on this blog.

Oh wait...that 666th thing turned out to be bullshit. Oh well, it's still my 100th blog post. And it's Christmas in Goth Land! So I need something good, something big and bloody and bouncy and sexy and stinkier than a million rotting buttholes buried beneath a fetid pile of warm cheese. (That last reference was just for Derrick Carey, who insisted that the list contain buttholes.)

So, from now until the Almighty Day Of, I will compile a list: ten posts per day, every day, culminating in 100 total by the 31st.

And the list shall be:

~The 100 Ultimate Death Scenes~

#100 - The Sleeping Bag Burn, Friday the 13th (2009)

Gotta admit, I wasn't expecting much from this much loathed remake of the classic slasher, but hot damn - and I mean that literally - if one of the films first kills didn't make me recoil just a little, sending a cold, dark fist ramming into the depths of my stomach. Everything starts out slasher-normal: horny teens, a buttload of bud, a virginal brunette and a saucy vixen with the fakiest saline bags I've personally ever seen. Curious to learn at what temperature silicone ignites and melts, Jason Voorhees stuffs Ms. Blouse Bunnies into her own sleeping bag and shows her what it's like to be a Boil-in-the-Bag dinner. Much smoldering, squirming and squealing ensues, swiftly turning into throat-shredding agonizing shrieks as Miss Sweater Meat blisters and chars, her flesh splitting and blackening like a pork roast on a barbecue spit, and undoubtedly smelling like a fire in a plastic milk bottle factory.

#99 - The Proactive Abortion, Creep (2004)

Homeless junkie Mandy has found a reasonably cozy niche in the London Underground, where she can hole up with her boyfriend and sleep it off until the next fix is required. Too bad they're not the only ones who have taken up residence in the labyrinthine, subterranean tunnels beneath England's massive tube network. Creepy little Craig has been down there for years, living in the abandoned remains of an illegal abortion clinic. We never find out for sure who he is/was or what he's doing there, but his formative years must have been fun. Strapping Mandy to a surgeons table, donning a dirty gown and miming the scrub-up procedure, Craig does what brain damaged lab monkeys do best and mimics what he's seen done a million times, performing an abortion on a Not Pregnant Mandy by ramming a blood encrusted bone saw up her no-no hole and performing the worlds most thorough D&C.

#98 - The Scalp Rip, Maniac (2012)

The most horrifying aspect of this scene has got to be the fact that most of the audience members didn't sympathize with the victim at all. She was a snooty, superficial cunt, the kind who talks on her cell phone at the grocery store registers and the yells at the cashier for not scanning the coupons she's been holding in her hand the whole time, said coupons having expired six months previous. So we don't feel any pity for her when Elijah Wood sits on her back and peels her scalp right off of her skull like he's peeling an especially juicy, ripe orange. The ripping sounds are enthusiastic, her screams are gag-reflex worthy, and that drippy fistful of fake blond hair clenched in his hand, still dribbling scraps of meat and dangly bits...ugh, puke-o-rama.

#97 - Soldier Shish-Kabob, Dog Soldiers (2002)

I'm really not sure about the physics involved in this death - pretty sure that guy would have to have been running at speeds in excess of 200mph in order to impale himself halfway up a pretty sizable tree branch - I mean, girth wise, we're talking the John Holmes of trees here - but hey, what do I know? Maybe he just had an incredibly spongy midsection and a ribcage made out of balsa wood. Anyway, Mr. All-You-Can-Be here makes the fatal mistake of running forward whilst looking behind and gives himself the most epic body piercing of all time.

#96 - The Human Roach Coach, Creepshow (1982)

Dude, I've lived in roach infested city slums. Roaches are the personification of filth. They're little human turds with legs and feelers. They skitter grotesquely, chitter menacingly and go about Mach 5 in 0.3 seconds. They're fucking disgusting and goddamned evil. I've walked into semi-lit kitchens and been confronted by an army of the little shiteaters, just hanging out on the walls and chilling on the countertops, staring at me as if to say: "C'mon bitch, you want somma this?" Yeah, uh...no. You don't bother stepping on them, you just seal the room shut and burn the building down. So the thought of even one of those shitty little mutherfuckers getting on me is enough to drive me into the blackest abyss of grossout insanity. But to be covered with them? Have them get inside of you? Crawling into every open orifice, laying eggs, bursting back out through your nose and mouth and eyeballs and asshole? I'd rather be drawn and quartered.

#95 - Grasshopper Buffet, The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

Jesus fuckbabies, what the hell did they dope up Nursie with before she went to sleep? I mean, how even the hell do you sleep through having liquified brussels sprouts dripped onto your face and then have said face slowly eaten off by hungry grasshoppers? Shit, not even my 10mg of Ambien knocks me out that solidly. Again, the character is a totally unlikable bitch-bully cuntzilla so who cares? But damn...not sure which is worse, the brussels sprouts or the bugs?

#94 - The Shunt Stunt, Society (1989)

Just...what the fuck is happening here? We all know that the rich feed on the poor to excess, sucking their victims dry. But damn, Brian Yuzna does not waste time with metaphors. In Society, the rich literally feed on the poor, holding block orgies regularly during which they melt and get squishy together and morph into each other and turn their mouths into proboscises and suck the juices and organs out of their chosen victims in an orgiastic frenzy. In a word: EW!!!

#93 - The Face Peel, Dagon (2001)

Well, not much else you can do when you're a mutated fish person. Ain't no amount of Maybelline gonna cover that shit up, yo. So the residents of Insmouth (called Imboca in this Spanish flick) do the best they can, i.e. kidnapping normal people and skinning their skulls while they're still alive and fully conscious. Once dried and tanned, Ye Olde Face can be worn like a Halloween mask by anyone afflicted with gills and tentacles protruding from their face holes for funsies.

#92 - Guts For Garters, Valhalla Rising (2009)

Don't ever piss off Mads Mikkelsen. Seriously, just...don't. Much like the eponymous honey badgers, Mads don't give a shit. Especially when he's playing a one-eyed Norse warrior who just might be Odin in the flesh. He never speaks, never loses a fight and never lets anyone live once they've crossed him. He doesn't even flinch when he slices open the belly of a Highlander, grabs up double handfuls of the mans intestines and throws them to the ground at the guys feet with a flourish, a look of complete indifference on his scarred face, as if he'd just been de-boning a chicken. Then he just walks off into the sunset like a badass. The only thing that could have made him look cooler is if something had been exploding behind him while he walked off. But it was, like, 900AD and nothing exploded back then. Oh well.

#91 - Basketball Brain Smash, Deadly Friend (1986)

Awwww, yiss!

Need I really say more?

#90 - The Space Squeeze, Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

Claustrophobic astronaut Joanie Cunningham (aka Erin Moran) is quick to reveal her fear of enclosed spaces, making one wonder why the fuck she wanted to become a space explorer in the first place. But she does, and she is, and she spends an awful lot of screen time bulging her eyeballs out to convey surprise/dismay/confusion/gas. Eventually, she wriggles her stupid self into a tight hole and gets mummy-wrapped by a bunch of space tentacles that don't seem to come from anywhere or attach to anything. But who cares? They coil around Joanie tighter and tighter and finally offers us some payback for the travesty that was Joanie Loves Chachi, by squeezing her head until it explodes in Jello. And the crowd goes wild, yay.

Stay tuned for the next ten. I'm not going to do a separate article for each grouping, I'm just going to add onto this one, so keeping it my 100th post.

~~~ October 21st: Part 2 ~~~

Hi-ho and here we are on Day #2 of 100 Deaths. I gotta be at work in a few hours so lets get right to it, won't we?

#89 - RatGut, Close Your Eyes (2002)

Totally annoyed that I couldn't find a screen shot for this one, but it's an older film and was obscure to begin with. Also entitled Doctor Sleep (not to be confused with the Stephen King novel of the same name) and Hypnotic, it's the story of a hypnotist who discovers latent telepathic powers and uses them to aid the police in the hunt for a ritualistic killer. It's fairly slow paced and is presented a lot like a Spanish soap opera, but then we reach the scene where some guy - honestly, I don't even remember who the hell he was because it's been so long - gets tied down to a table by our sicko serial guy, has his thoracic cavity cut open and a live rat dropped inside. A live hungry rat. Maybe it's a good thing I couldn't find a screen shot.

#88 - Diesel Damsel, The Hitcher (1986)

You never actually see anything. Well, you see Jennifer Jason Lee tied between two 18 wheelers, stretched taut as a yoga instructors belly, screaming with every rev of the engine. There's not a drop of blood on her, but we know what's coming. The wait is the real horror. We can imagine what will happen when Rutger Hauer slams his foot on that gas pedal: she will tear apart across the belly, her spinal cord popping out like a champagne cork, intestines stretching like a bloody rope bridge from one half to the other, organs plopping wetly to the dirty ground, glistening in the light of a hundred police cars... what was the point of the gag, though?

#87 - The Mask Slam, Black Sunday (1960)

Your pretty face is going to Hell...literally! Condemned to die for the crime of blackest, foulest and most Satanic witchcraft, beautiful Barbara Steele is tied to a stake and has a heavy iron mask placed over her lovely face. A heavy iron mask lined on the inside with thick iron spikes. Pointy, long, really fucking sharp iron spikes. And here come pro-wrestler dude with oiled up abs and a bigass sledgehammer, ready to whack that iron mutherfucker into place. Oh man, that shit is gonna sting.

#86 - The Angel Trap, Saw 3 (2006)

I didn't care much for this installment in the Saw franchise. Well actually, I didn't care for any of the installments in the Saw franchise, and even though I liked the first one, I curse James Wan and everything he stands for. But anyway...chick gets her stupid self caught in a Jigsaw trap. She has however many seconds to free herself from the device she's been suspended in. The key with which to release herself rests at the bottom of a vat of corrosive acid, which will eat her hand faster than ebola on speed. If she fails to do so, the contraption strapped around her chest will spring open and rib her ribcage wide open. She braves the acid and thinks she's triumphed, only to realize she's been set up. The machine clicks, springs and her torso spreads wider than dove wings, flinging blood and guts everywhere.

#85 - Frozen Face Shatter, Jason X (2001)

Ugh. Terrible, awful, no good, very bad movie. With two exceptions. #1 - the virtual sleeping bag babes who taunt a super turboed streamlined Jason with their bouncy boobies and promises of premarital sex, and #2 - the liquid nitrogen scene, in which Jason shoves a female space scientists pretty face into a vat of the cold vapor. Her screaming face instantly freezes solid, but Jason isn't done yet. Yanking her back up, he slams her frozen face down onto a hard surface and it shatters into a million billion kajillion pieces. Why he didn't think to use the remains of her face to fill a champagne bucket with which to lure yet another irresponsible alcohol sponge to their death is beyond me.

#84 - Wire Slice, Ghost Ship (2002)

I had high hopes for this flick, especially after the balls out, holy shit, slaughterriffic opening scene, in which a moonlit ballroom dance aboard a luxury liner is cut short - pun totally intended - by a snapped cable which slices so swiftly and so cleanly through the gathered crowd that at first they don't realize anything is amiss...until their torsos start slipping off their hips, their skulls slide down their noses and their organs start slapping the deck like dead fish. Then the screaming starts and the chaos ensues and the instinct to run is hampered by the fact that nobody's legs are attached to their spinal cords any longer and cannot receive the involuntary impulses from the brain to gtfo. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie kinda sucked, but the opening scene is totally worth watching.

#83 - Melting Man, Robocop (1987)

Bad Guys never emerge victorious from the dystopia of futuristic films. They always die horrible deaths, usually in some amazingly futuristic, science fictiony way that we - the boring inhabitants of the not too distant past - cannot even begin to imagine. Like this guy, who foolishly ran right the hell into a vat of toxic waste whilst doing something naughty. I don't remember what - it's been over a year since I last saw this flick - but holy shit, this is the comeuppance jewel in the comeuppance crown, the cream cheese comeuppance frosting on the vengeance cake. This dude doesn't just boil and blister and sizzle like hydrogen peroxide on a fresh booboo. This mutherfucker starts to melt as he walks away, dripping big chunks of flesh off his face and limbs, visibly sagging as his bones turn to rubber, gradually turning into puddle o' flesh man. He'd make a great mascot for cheesy bread.

#82 - Body in the Barrel, Megan Is Missing (2011)

Honestly, the first hour of this flick is a vaguely annoying After School Special, complete with lousy acting, stereotypical teens and a tissue thin plot. Megan the Slutty 14 year old disappears after talking to some guy online. Her best friend - the virginal and rather dumpy Amy - stupidly goes looking for the guy and wanders around Los Angeles alone, just begging to be Victim #2. But that's where this film takes a hard left turn. We are forced to watch Amy degraded, imprisoned and brutally raped. We also see photographs of the missing Megan, tortured and photographed for sadistic snuff sites. And finally the Coup de grâce: Megan's rotting body, stuffed into an industrial barrel, eyes already filmed over white and staring. And that's still not the worst of it. However, I won't spoil it for you. I had to suffer through this flick, now it's your turn.

#81 - Brenda Blows, Slither (2006)

You should never fuck Michael Rooker. Ever. And if you do, you get what you deserve. Which in Brenda's case is a belly full of alien offspring. Millions of little Rooker babies swimming around inside of her, growing bigger and wigglier. Brenda, consigned to the barn as her pregnancy swiftly progresses, is discovered by the Sheriff and a couple of other people (including Rooker's impossibly angelic wife), grossly swollen and with a vague idea that something has gone awry...a suspicion confirmed when Brenda's body begins to tear itself apart, ripping open wetly as the alien slug babies within reject a traditional vaginal birth and opt instead for the pinata route.

#80 - Scissor Slam, The Dead Zone (1983)

Psychic Christopher Walken uses his abilities to home in on a small town serial killer, revealed to be the Opie-faced deputy with the Oedipal complex. But Deputy Boy isn't about to go down easy. Sensing his imminent arrest, he slips into the bathroom, slides into a super slick black rubber trench coat, jams a pair of delicate surgical scissors into an upright position, blades open, laces his hands behind his head, opens his mouth and carefully calculates the trajectory. The rest - twitch of the death nerve included - is history.

~~~ October 24th: Part 3 ~~~

Sorry everybody - been working a metric assload of overtime at the day job and coming home just long enough to sleep, shower, change clothes and do it all over again. I got the skills to pay the bills by fillin' pills for your ills, yo...but I'm really fuckin' tired.

Anyway, lettuce ketchup.

#79 - The Cable Cut, Damien: Omen 2 (1978)

Never ever be a black person in a horror film. Seriously, every time I see a non-white character in a horror film, I start counting the seconds until they are horribly dispatched. Not even being significantly affluent will protect you in a horror movie if you're black. Like Meschach Taylor over there, playing a super smart surgeon dude who discovers that teenage AntiChrist Damien Thorn is part jackal and, on his stupid way to tell somebody, steps into an elevator which promptly drops out from under him, plummets several stories, snaps back and then slices the surgeon cleanly in half with a taut metal cable going about 200 mph.

#78 - Pitchforked Prostitute, Eaten Alive, 1977

Poor Clara. She's had a shitty night. First, Freddy Krueger tries to fuck her in the ass. Then, Morticia Addams fires her. And finally, seeking refuge at the world's most disgusting hotel in the unnamed, chigger infested, crazy inbred trailer park Crackville cousin fucking swampy bayou where she's been living, she gets stabbed to death by a pitchfork wielding, psycho-babbling, totally incoherent Neville Brand, a man who would have been Klaus Kinski if we hadn't already had one. Her Swiss-cheesed remains are then fed to the gator that Brand keeps out back. Yee haw.

#77 - Digested Dipshit, The Blob (1988)

Helpful Safety Tip #1 - never ever hang around a guy who is rapidly melting. Fuck the Good Samaritan shit, just GTFO. Otherwise, you're going to end up on the gelatinous inside of a pissed off figgy pudding, screaming soundlessly with a mouthful of acidic goo, your eyeballs boiling over like eggs, your flesh liquefying and pulling apart like taffy, corrosive digestive fluids making your last few moments on Earth an agonizing misery of exquisite pain, and all while your new girlfriend looks on in horror, probably totally aware of the fact that your bowels have evacuated and your asshole is now the size of a moon crater.

#76 - Ribcage Removal, Dead Alive (1992)

Pretty sure it's physically impossible to remove a ribcage from the torso of a still living person, because the ribcage is attached to the spinal cord and the spine attached to the skull, and severing the spinal cord would - at the very least - cause unconsciousness or shut off the pain receptors to the lower body, but it's horrible to think about, isn't it? Watching, totally aware and awake, watching some zombified asshole yank your ribcage whole and bloody right out of your thoracic cavity, thinking to yourself: "That's never gonna fit back in there correctly."

#75 - Spider Buffet, The Beyond (1981)

Well, this sucks. I've fallen and I can't get up. I'm lying on my back on a hard, cold floor, totally fucking paralyzed because some demonic fuck pigeon just knocked me off of the ladder I was up on, and I can see the squeaky horde of hairy tarantulas determinedly marching towards me, but I can't move at all so not much I can do about it, just lay there while they crawl up my body and scuttle towards my face and start munching on my eyeballs and eating my face off like it's a fruit roll-up and stuffing their squishy squirmy little bodies into my open mouth and literally just being gross in general. Fuck you and your eye phobia, Fulci.

#74 - Climbing into the Crematorium, Return of the Living Dead (1985)

There's so many horrible deaths in this film: zombies eating brains right out of skulls like breakfast cereal in a bowl, close-ups of teeth ripping skin and bone aside to get at the juicy stuff, heads torn off, limbs ripped free, yadda yadda yadda. But it's the death of good Catholic Ernie that everyone remembers, in part because it's so terribly sad: it's already been established that his beloved wife is at home making him a pot roast for dinner and he loves her dearly, so watching him hang his precious wedding ring on the power switch before falling to his knees and begging forgiveness from God is heartbreaking. Determined not to become a murdering, brain eating zombie, he yanks open the crematorium, shoves himself inside and shuts the door. His final agonizing screams as the flames consume him are truly horrible to hear.

#73 - Scarab Lobotomy, The Mummy (1999)

Big bugs are bad enough. Bigass bugs in foreign countries are fucking horrifying. Bigass flesh eating bugs that burrow into your flesh and eat their way up inside of your body and into your head, running amok inside of your skull and chomping its way methodically through your brain the way you or I enthusiastically snarf up a box of hot buttered popcorn - that's the worse. I mean, can you imagine? Feeling it inside of your head, eating you, and not being able to stop it?

#72 - Crushing Your Head, Re-Animator (1985)

Remember that episode of The Kids in the Hall with the Head Crusher? The nerdy little geeky guy who goes around, squinting, with thumb and forefinger extended, crushing the heads of people in his sights? Pretty sure he got the idea from Re-Animator. I have zero proof to back that shit up. Tired of being a hypnotized slave zombie to master plagiarist and horndog brain surgeon Dr. Hill, Dean Halsey - recently deceased but totally pissed off - picks up Dr. Hill's smartass severed head and squeezes it like a lemon until it explodes, then throws it against the nearest wall with a satisfying meaty splat. That's what you get for trying to stick your tongue up his little girls snatch, buddy.

#71 - The Closest Shave, Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 (1988)

Demon Conjuring Troubleshooting: You really want to conjure up some sadomasochistic demons, but you don't want to ruin your suit or your hardwood floor in the process. What to do? You will need: one bloodstained mattress upon which someone died a gruesome death, one delusional paranoid schizophrenic, one straight razor and an isolated location. Avoid getting blood on your expensive suit and/or your recently refurbished hardwood floors! Make sure the delusional schizophrenic has a hefty dose of the DTs too. Hand him the straight razor and let him go to town. Wow, look at the way the skin just shaves off in nice, thin strips. You could make gyros with that quality meat. Look how white and wetly the bones shine beneath your tasteful concealed lighting! Damn, look how soggy the mattress gets as it sucks up the blood, making the fabric easier to birth the skinless demon who squirts out of the vaginal hole, tearing her way into our world and punching through the screaming, bloodied mans skull like a pinata.

#70 - Tusked, Razorback (1984)

Worst vacation ever. You're Down Under, pregnant, trying to interview the local kangaroo poachers, and you nearly get goddamn raped by two neo-punks who have never bathed or brushed their teeth. Making your escape, you crawl back into your car and breathe a sigh of relief, only to turn and see a huge, wet, snot-drippy piggy snout smooshed up against the window. Before you can register what the fuck you're even looking at, piggy smashes the window and spears you through the spinal column. Then it starts slobbering and eating you alive with his grody teeth, munching and crunching your leg bones, your organs and your fetus with grossout gusto. You feel yourself being pulled into its incredibly disgusting mouth and maybe have time to feel your feet hit the caustic stomach fluids deep within its belly before you finally die, chewed up and eventually shit out all over the Outback.

~~~ October 25th: Part 4 ~~~

#69 - Pane in the Glass, 13 Ghosts (2001)

As previously stated in the last installment of this list, one should never be a person of African descent in a horror movie. Or any ethnic minority for that matter, as they are always the first to be killed. The second class of people one should preferably not belong to in a horror film is a lawyer. Doesn't matter what kind of lawyer. In horror movies, lawyers are all the same: slick, insincere, smug and dismissive. AKA, the perfect choice of meat for the grinder. We need someone to kill to build tension, but we don't necessarily have to bond with them: we just need to know what the killer(s) are capable of so we can sympathize with the established multidimensional cast. So, bye bye Mr. Smarmy Lawyer Pants. Hey look, he really does have a brain in there!

#68 - Dresser Decapitation, Haute Tension (2003)

C'mon, admit it - at some point during your scabby, snot-nosed little stupid childhood, you shoved your head through the bars in the staircase, or a fence, or whatever, and couldn't get it back out. At which point you panicked and starting crying like a little btich until your mommy came running with the Vaseline, greased up your ears and squirted your dumb skull back out. Well, here's your comeuppance. See what happens if you can't pull out in time? And yeah, double entendre totally intended.

#67 - Barbed Wire Bisection, Silent Hill (2006)

Other stereotypes to avoid when starring in a horror film: religious zealot. Especially one with power amassed over a long period of time, whose followers obey them without question and who are quick to condemn anyone and everyone who dares to question their authority. Would that Warren Jeffs could meet the same fate as Christabelle here, the self-proclaimed savior of Silent Hill who fancies burning lady cops to death and roasting little girls over an open barbecue pit. Chrissy, meet barbed wire - gotta split.

#66 - Scalp Tear, The Lost Boys (1987)

Not quite what I had in mind when I asked for half an inch off the top. Sorry for the shitty quality of the pic, it was the best I could do. But for fucks sake, if you're a horror fan and you're not familiar with the campfire slaughter scene from The Lost Boys. Initiation's over, jackass. Time to sink your elongated incisors into a young punks scalp and rip that shit open like a big, juicy blood orange and voila, your brain is air conditioned.

#65 - Spontaneous Amputation, YellowBrickRoad (2011)

Sad fact of life: siblings will fight. It's inevitable. And tensions will rise when you're going on a long hike into Hell, where over 500 townsfolk disappeared years ago. Family vacations are stressful enough as it is. Throw in some disembodied ragtime music and an ever increasing sense of disorientation and it's no wonder when brother Daryl turns on his sister Erin when her constant nagging finally gets on his last nerve. Running off into the woods while their friends calmly watch, Daryl yanks off Erin's leg at the knee, like a greedy kid at Thanksgiving, yanking on the leg of a big, stuffed turkey, still steamy from the oven. Erin's screams and sobs are fucking horrific, and the fact that the characters are brother and sister in real life makes one wonder if this was at all an exercise in therapy.

#64 - Don't Laugh at My Dick, Citizen X (1995)

Not enough people seem to know about Russian serial killer Andre Chikatilo, who spent the cold war luring children into the woods, killing them and sexually mutilating them, leaving bite marks on their genitals. As played by Jeffrey DeMunn (whom everyone knows now from The Walking Dead), Andre is a puling, mincing, mousy little slimebag, despised by his employers, his wife and kids. Unable to maintain an erection, Andre utterly loses his shit when the homeless teenage girl he's lured into the woods starts laughing uncontrollably at his limp little trouser mouse. Enraged, Andre rams a butcher knife into her torso. It takes a moment for the blow to register before the girl begins screaming, and by then it's too late. The knife comes down again and again and again, the girls screams growing in volume and fear until the sound threatens to drive you insane.

#63 - Boiled Babe, Halloween 2 (1989)

Look Nursie, you're already in trouble, showing up late for your shift and getting your asshole reamed by strict, no-nonsense Head Nursie who is sick of your lackadaisical shit. So why then would you stupidly wander off, leaving the entire population of the neo-natal unit alone and unattended, to have sex with your scumbag EMT boyfriend in the basement jacuzzi? At the very least, you could have better taste in men. I almost kind of wish you'd lived long enough to get fired and stripped of your RN license. But watching Michael Meyers shove your face into boiling water until your skin sloughs off of your face in long, rubbery shreds is just as good.

#62 - Lawn Party, Sinister (2012)


Oh fuck me. Aw HELL no!

#61 - Rebecca Gets Ripped, The Descent (2005)

Rebecca, the sensible member of the spelunking team. Always ready with safety regulations and by-the-book procedures. Maybe a little too overprotective of her kid sister Sam, but her heart is in the right place. And so it stands to reason that her character must suffer the most throughout the film. First, a nasty case of rope burn rips her hands open. Then she is forced to watch her kid sister slaughtered like a cow, bleeding out from a mortal throat wound on the ceiling of the hated cave they've been trapped inside of. And finally, she's dragged off into the dark by a bat-faced cannibal, breaking off her fingernails in the process, and watches in horror as her chest cavity is torn open and her exposed meat descended upon by a ravenous group of crawlers who begin eating her before she can pass out and mercifully die. Thanks Juno, great vacation.

#60 - Subway Face Slam, The Church (1989)

And finally, as already remarked upon, the final group of people never to belong to in a horror film: spelunkers. Just don't do it. You lower yourself into a deep, dark hole like Rebecca up there, your chances of being torn apart by feral monsters, crushed by cave-ins or smashed by a passing subway train jump from 0 to 100% the minute you strap on that stupid little helmet that isn't going to do you any good at all in the end. Like this dumb bunny, whose boyfriend has just brilliantly opened a sinkhole through which his honey plummets through. Rather than trying to scramble back out, she stares stupidly at the oncoming lights of a subway and...smack. Your face is now oatmeal.

~~~ October 25th, Part 5 ~~~

#59 - Curling Iron Coochie, Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Forget the Chick with the Dick (oh sorry, did I just ruin the movie for you? Fuck you, it's 2015 - if you haven't seen Sleepaway Camp yet, you fail). The real horror comes with a curling iron turned on HIGH HEAT and slowly inserted into the tight vagina of the Queen Bitch of Campland, a real vindictive cunt if ever there was one. Not even the sizzling sounds and her agonized screams can strike a single chord of sympathy in those who have watched her cruel campaign against the bullied Angela for the first hour or so of the movie. Just knowing that her pure pink love canal has been turned into burned bacon is grimly satisfying stuff. Gosh, can you tell I was bullied in high school? Fucking bitches.

#58 - Japanese Jump, Suicide Club (2001)

God the Japanese are weird. Don't believe me? Have you ever watched MXC? Anyway, when a hot

new pop group called Dessert takes over the airwaves with their insipidly kicky, bubblegum pop tunes, everyone becomes an instant fan. Their popularity also seems to be a strange catalyst for a wave of suicides that are sweeping Tokyo. Suicide is now the hottest new fashion accessory, and it all starts in a subway station, with 54 schoolgirls in their little plaid skirts, prim white blouses and sensible knee socks lining up hand in hand and joyously jumping to their death as the next subway speeds through the station. A fucking blood tsunami ensues, guts splattering upwards and outwards like a flesh volcano, drenching everything in a thick smear of red gore.

#57 - Buried Alive, Spoorloos (1988)

How far would you go to find out what happened to your missing loved one? People always say the worst thing in the world is not knowing, never finding out and having no closure. Spoorloos proves that sometimes, you're better off in ignorance. Years of obsessive determination leads Rex, the boyfriend of the missing Saskia to her kidnapper, who promises to reveal to Rex exactly what he did with Saskia if Rex will agree to endure it as well. Rex allows himself to be drugged and wakes up in a coffin, buried alive. Screaming and kicking to no avail, Rex finally accepts his fate and dies. The final shot of the film, showing Rex and Saskia's graves side by side in the killers garden, his wife and family nearby and totally unaware, is profoundly upsetting.

#56 - Big Break in TV, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

Remember about 30 posts ago when I told you never to have sex with Michael Rooker? Yeah, well, don't piss him off either. Especially if you're a crooked appliance dealer with a smart mouth. The Rook don't like nobody talkin' smart to him. And since slovenly TV man was dumb enough to leave a bunch of shark, pokey objects laying around, he really has no right to look surprised when Rookie picks one up and starts stabbing him, first in the hand, then repeatedly in his big fleshy belly. For an encore, FatMan gets a TV slammed down screen first over his head, which is then plugged in. Bleeding, sparking and jerking, the slob finally dies, no doubt smelling like overcooked pork.

#55 - Spider Birth, The Mist (2007)

Just when you think the worst is over, the "worst" being a vicious storm that has flattened your rural town, knocking out power and felling trees, the even worser comes along. Seems the storm has punched a hole into another dimension whose door had already been chocked open by a super secret military lab up in them thar hills. An unholy fog rolls in, carrying with it giant mutated insects, monstrous tentacles and deranged religious zealots. When a group of locals trapped inside a grocery store decide to slip over to the pharmacy for medical supplies, they find a hapless soldier, mummy-wrapped in cobwebs, covered in huge, angry pustules on the verge of bursting. Which they proceed to do, loosing a kajillion baby spiders with pincers and acidic silk shooting out of their rotten little buttholes.

#54 - Trapped Under Ice, Damien: Omen 2 (1978)

It ain't just a song by Metallica, it's a horrible death that fucked with my head when I first saw it back in the late 70s. The very idea of falling through the ice on a pond, drifting away from the hole - your only escape route - and clawing at the thick sheet of frozen water, all that separates you from your would be rescuers. Just think about how horrible such a prolonged death that would be.

#53 - Jerk Gets Jerked, Trailer Park of Terror (2008)

I have nothing but love for this ridiculously silly-on-purpose, white trashy slasher straight outta Deliverance country. A bunch of undead rednecks - are the ghosts? zombies? who cares? - kidnap errant teens and skin them alive, making human jerky out of them. The copy of the DVD I received for review purposes even contained a package of beef jerky. And yes, I ate it. I may even have eaten it during the truly sickening scene in which some white-eyed, dead-ass hillbilly with rotting teeth gleefully skins a still-alive, strung up horny boy, going so far as to slide his dirty hand up under the bloody flap of flesh he's just peeled free of the spinal cord and massage the exposed muscle, perhaps applying his own special rub for that unrivaled smoked taste.

#52 - Half Decap, Wrong Turn (2003)

Frankly, I found the character of Carly to be a totally annoying, shrieky bitch. She's a domineering hypocrite with a massive stick up her ass, and yet she's engaged to be married. And I sit home most Friday nights. (I said "most" not "all") At the point where she begins laughing loudly and hysterically, giving away the survivors position in the woods to their inbred cannibal stalkers, I couldn't wait for her to bite it. And bite it she does, halfway up a tree about twenty minutes later. a nice big axe slams right through her big fat mouth, pinning the top of her head to the tree trunk while her torso and lower face tumbles down through the branches like a broken ragdoll. Good riddance, you nagging shrew.

#51 - The C-Section, The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007)

Never pick up hitchhikers. Even if you're with your husband and think that nothing bad can possibly happen. Because it will. Some sick fuck with a balloon fetish and a video camera could hop into your back seat, bludgeon your husband to death and chloroform the shit out of your face. And when you finally come to on the floor of a drippy basement, don't be surprised if you find your jailer filming you, eager to catch your reaction to his having cut open your stomach whilst you slept your drugged sleep and sewn your dead husband's severed head into your belly with his face staring up at you. One has to wonder if the directors were forced to watch one too many live birth films at one too many baby showers.

#50 - God Killing Himself, Begotten (1990)

This movie. This fucking movie. Ugh. My stomach is pretty darn cast iron hardcore when it comes to gore, but this gore was just too...snuffy? And it's not even the gore itself. It's the insectile soundtrack, the grimy, skippy quality of the film, the grinding, gagging, chunk blowing sound effects that may be coming from the Thing sitting in a chair in an empty room, eviscerating itself slowly with a straight razor, the camera staring with icy indifference as its guts slowly tumble and drip to its feet. It's the stiff, jerking movements of "God" as he rocks back and forth, seeming almost to laugh through that gaping maw of a mouth, or perhaps trying to vomit. It's the black and white color scheme that somehow makes it worse: black blood on white robes, purity stained by atrocity. If you can watch this film all the way through without dry heaving even once, I probably do not want to be friends with you.

~~~ October 28th, Part 6 ~~~

#49 - Wood Chipper Whoops, Tucker & Dale VS. Evil (2010)

Yeesh. You're minding your own damn business, trying to clean up the deadwood in your yard, trying to turn your creepy little cabin in the woods into your dream vacation home/yokel hunting lodge. You rent the wood chipper, you get to work, and what the fuck? Some fucking asshole dives headfirst into the chipper! You try to pull him out and his goddamned legs come off in your hands! You're panic stricken and covered with blood and some other fucking yabbo comes bopping along and thinks you're a murderer! Worst. Vacation. Ever.

#48 - Wheel Wrap, Uzumaki (2000)

The inhabitants of a small, isolated Japanese island are becoming obsessed with spirals, so much so that they're spinning themselves to death in washing machines, coiling their hair into elaborate tentacles and morphing into snails. Something about some ancient god living beneath some pond or something, I don't even fucking remember. And who cares anyway? Check this idiot out. He's so obsessed with the spiral thing that he throws himself under the wheel of a car and smiles as he dies, his spinal cord snapping like pretzel sticks as it wraps around the tire in a bloody, twisted coil.

#47 - Hot Rock Hole Punch, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

A luxury cruise. A lackadaisical crew. A nonstop party for the irresponsible teenagers aboard. This boat has fucking everything - a disco, a sauna, lots of fucking. One of the characters - I forget his name, pretty sure it was Dirk HardPec - decides to take a steambath in the sauna, wraps a towel around his man-bits and has a lie down, giving hockey masked Jason Voorhees ample time to wander in, grab a steaming rock and slam it through Dirk's chest, punching a big fat hole in his ribcage and boiling his heart faster than 10 pounds of bacon.

#46 - Bob Gets Burned, The Hills Have Eyes (2003)

Big Bob Carter, Mr. All-America. He's a rootin' tootin', gun shootin' lifelong member of the NRfuckingA, a card carrying Republican all the way. He pisses red, white and blue and shits freedom. He's also an ex cop, semi-retired, with a security business keeping him and his whitebread, cornfed family flush. There's Bobby Jr., blond Brenda, sweet Lynny and her husband the pansy cell phone salesman, and their perfect baby Katy. Surely nothing can come between rugged Bob and his daisy fresh brood. That is, until Bob takes a couple of hard knocks to the head and wakes up to find himself crucified on a cactus, doused in gasoline and burning alive, his eyeballs bleaching white as they boil like eggs, his screams hideous and his family all witnesses to his gruesome, prolonged death.

#45 - Skull Punch, The Undead (2003)

This obscure Aussie gem is incredibly difficult to track down, and isn't very well known in the horror community for reasons I have yet to fathom. It's stunningly violent, wickedly funny and actually boasts a plot - an actual, fucking PLOT! - involving acid rain, aliens and bickering beauty queens! There's a buffet of horrible deaths in this flick, buckets of blood and intestines tossed in your face every 5 seconds. But the first death is the one that sticks with me. A nosy Good Samaritan sticks her face in too far where she shouldn't and ends up getting a fist rammed through her face, which exits the back of her skull still holding her drippy brain and a dangly bit of spinal cord. Cool. I tried to find a shot of it and failed. Deal with it.

#44 - Skinned, Martyrs (2008)

You idiot. You've just seen your best friend shotgun slaughter an entire family, then slit her own throat and die, and you're lingering at the crime scene because...why, exactly? Wouldn't your first, last and ONLY instinct be to flee the fucking scene before the cops show up? But no, Anna hangs around the house, poking into cabinets and making horrific discoveries, all of which are not just warning flags to GTFO, but goddamned neon signs eighty feet tall, blinking and flashing and screaming GET OUT OF THERE!!!But she doesn't. And soon, she finds herself kidnapped by a bunch of religious weirdos who shave her head, beat the shit out of her and finally skin her alive.

#43 - Jesus Wept, Hellraiser (1987)

Ad campaigns would have you believe that the Cenobites are the villains of Hellraiser with their dead faces and leather fetishes and odd piercings. But they are only messengers, answering the prayers of the sick and depraved and delivering unto them exactly what they deserve. Like Frank, the sicko, incestuous fuck-addled scumbag whose only goal in life is to fuck as many women as possible, willingly or unwillingly. Frank is such a narcissistic pig that he'd stick his dick in a pencil sharpener and risk the consequences if nothing else was available. So finally, after an hour and a half of watching this disgusting lech do whatever the fuck he wants, we finally get to see him caught, found out and punished. Stretched to the point of explosion by hundreds of meat hooks on chains, piercing his face, his torso, his hands and legs, ripping him open like a garbage bag, Frank has time for one last lascivious lick of the lips before bursting open like a pus filled boil on a peasants face.

#42 - Head Drill, House by the Cemetery (1981)

Oh Lucio Fulci, with your weird eyeball phobias and your Lovecraftian zombies. You were on sick fat fuck, you know that? I haven't seen HBTC in years and don't even remember why or how this guy got strapped down to a worktable, or who shoved a power drill into the side of his head, sending the spiraling screw thingie deep into his skull, mixing up the brain like a banana in a blender as the guy screams. But who cares. It was gross, so on the list it goes.

#41 - Kothoga Head Rip, The Relic (1997)

Again, I could not find a fucking screen shot of this particular scene in this all but forgotten 90s monster movie, which admittedly was total shit if you'd read the book beforehand, but was memorable for the Kothoga, a fucking huge lizardy thing with tarantula mandibles, lion-like haunches and bigass tusks. The scene I refer to involves a SWAT team descending into a museum, where a fancy cocktail party has been crashed - literally - by the aforementioned beastie. A hapless SWAT guy lands, turns and tries to hightail it the fuck outta Dodge, but Mr. K lunges after him, grabs his head between his spidery teeth and pulls it off like a cork in a champagne bottle. The look of shock on the cops face remains even as life fades, both comical and nauseating.

#40 - The Roach Motel, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Permy, totally 80s Debbie is a rockin' chick with a rockin' bod. Addicted to working out, lifting weights and being a touch girl, Debbie is a lot like Big Bob Carter of the aforementioned Hills Have Eyes. She really believes that she's too tough to be beaten by anybody. But she has a weak spot. She's terrified of roaches, and it is her katsaridaphobia that is her ultimate undoing. While innocently bench pressing one night, Freddy Krueger pops up to spot her and snaps her arms off at the elbows, replacing them with cockroach feelers, then shrinks her to bug size and traps her inside of a roach motel, where she promptly falls face first into the glue and, screaming, watches her own face fall off as she tries to free herself. Morphing into a full-on, skittery, shit-eating roach, Freddy gleefully crushes her in his fist, squashing her into mulch.

~~~ October 31st: Part 7 ~~~

#39 - Raven Eyeball Rip, Damien: Omen 2 (1978)

Quoth the Raven: "Fuck you, bitch." Journalists, papparazzi and/or critics never come to a good end in horror movies. I myself fully expect to shed my mortal coil at the hands of an inbred filmmaker, drowned in an outhouse trench after a Taco Bell party. Joan Hart thinks she's gonna pick up where her predecessor (David Warner - another guy who never survives a horror movie) left off and scoop the story of the century. And in a way, she does. She gets her stupid ass killed after glimpsing the face of the Anti Christ and running off to tell someone. Hunted down by Damien's familiar raven, Miss Newsy Pants gets her eyeballs violently torn from her sockets and is left to bumble off into the path of an oncoming truck. Idiot.

#38 - Chainsaw Head Slice, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, (1986)

Every single time I see some self important twat or limp dick high roller piloting their vehicle through traffic, one hand on the wheel and the other clutching a cell phone to the side of their empty head, I flash back to TCM2 and fervently pray for a bigass redneck yeehaw truck to pull up alongside them for a corpse and chainsaw puppet show. Ivy League Douchebag Boyends up fliptopped, blood all over his popped collar polo and his teeny tiny little bubblegum brain exposed to the night air, shriveling faster than his ingrown dick.

#37 - The Dragon Revealed, Manhunter (1986)

Another journalist who thinks he's gonna crack the crime of the century wide open, Freddy Lounds is a real scumbag, leaking info from an ongoing serial killer investigation and basically fucking everything up for the cops. When he prints a bait piece, accusing the killer of being a limp wristed momma's boy with possible erectile dysfunctions, Mr. Killer gets testy, kidnaps Freddy, ties him to a wheelchair, bites his lips off of his face, sets him on fire while he's still alive and rolls him down a parking garage ramp. Somebody sure is cranky.

#36 - Silver Sphere Brain Scramble, Phantasm (1979)

You know what my favorite thing about this scene is? I mean, besides the hole flying-silver-ball-with-daggers impales creepy janitorial staff member through the skull and starts drilling, turning the contents of his skull into smoothie mush and pumping blood out of its rear exhaust in a high pressure jet while the cadaverish creep screams and writhes and finally collapses, still jerking, on the highly polished funeral home floor? It's the swift gush of pee that follows, flowing out from his pants legs like a little yellow sea of fear. It's the subtle touches, guys.

#35 - Post-Possessed Meltdown, Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

I haven't seen this flick in years, only saw it the one time and didn't care for it personally, But I do remember it having a few high points - not enough to save the film as a whole, but enough for me not to regret the 1 hour and 20 minutes spent watching it. The torso-split of the mid-coitus girl, the deep fat fry scene, the throwaway shot of Kane Hodder as a security guard, and this scene - in which some guy named Josh inexplicably starts to implode when the evil spirit of Jason Voorhees decides he's done possessing his body and exits, leaving Josh to melt into a lumpy, pus-boiling puddle of pure goo, at one point leaving his lower jaw glued to the floor while the rest of his face pulls up and back, stretching like guts-chunky silly putty.

#34 - Kid Crunch, Feast (2005)

Oh guys, this movie is a vast all-you-can-eat buffet of gore splattery goodness. Face melting, monster humping, baby eating, projectile barfing, intestine bursting, skin ripping, boobie bouncing, organ munching, sore squirting, orgiastic exploding fuckshit crazy beer soaked, sweat drenched hillbilly deep fried goodness. But where this overly enthusiastic gorecom really goes off the fucking rails is the scene in which the untouchable, purely innocent, guaranteed-nothing-bad-can-happen-to-him little boy is ripped right out of his mother's arms and eaten with open mouthed gusto by a slimy beasty with oversized piranha teeth. No pun intended, that takes guts. And massive balls.

#33 - Cooperative Castration, Grimm Love (2006)

So, most people would probably think that having cannibalistic tendencies might be a bad thing. But what if your only desire in life is to be dismembered and eaten? This movie would have been about 90% better without the tacked on subplot involving the pretty grad student, but if you just FFW through that shit, you'll get a terribly sad tale of an incredibly lonely man whom no one understands...except for an even lonelier man who doesn't even understands himself. Through the magic of the internet, these two meet, and the latter offers himself willingly to the former. The result: castration, cannibalism, decapitation and true love.

#32 - Brat BrainRot, Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982)

God I hate kids. Scabby little snot monkeys, shrieking and bouncing around boisterously like brain damaged gorilla babies in a bakery. Thank god for Silver Shamrock Inc., a company who understands the fundamental needs of bitter old spinsters like myself and caters exclusively to them with a line of face-rotting Halloween masks, guaranteed to turn your spoiled rotten little shitstain's adorable face into a seething, squirming pile of worms and maggots. Thank you, Silver Shamrock!

#31 - Cookie in the Crapper, Reeker (2005)

Given a choice between squatting down in a centuries old outhouse and douching with Clorox...well, I'd be fucked either way. I've been in outhouses. Beach outhouses, where you peer down into that vast hole and see hermit crabs crawling around in piles of poop and swimming gaily through rivers of piss. I would rather hold in my pee forever and risk an excruciatingly painful bladder infection than plop my bouncy buttcheeks down on that filthy fucking hole. Reeker just proves my fear - sit on one of those holes long enough and something will rise up out of the fecal darkness and turn your asshole into an onramp. Like Cookie over there, who gets the equivalent of a paranormal excavation drill rammed up her pink petal pusher, and is then pulled to her death down into the shit heap, doubtless screaming even as the toxic ass emissions flood into her mouth.

#30 - Skin Strip, Silent Hill (2006)

Oh religious zealots, you're so funny, You think your piousness and preaching will protect you from the darkness, especially if you tarry too long for the sole purpose of antagonizing the shit out of it? Pride always comes before a fall, and Anna is the epitome of that phrase. She's been caught out in the Darkness Visible and pays the ultimate price for her lack of respect: being stripped naked by the eight foot tall Pyramid Head is bad enough, but he's not impressed by the simple removal of conservative clothing. With one mighty rip, good old PH yanks the skin from her body like a winter jacket, flinging it aside with a satisfyingly meaty splat against the doors of the church where he is forbidden to enter.

#29 - Break A Leg, It Follows (2014)

You know, I didn't even think this movie was all that great. It was okay. But seriously, I'd like to know what the hell happened here. Iyengar yoga gone wrong?

#28 - BlenderHead, You're Next (2011)

DIY self defense. You're trapped inside of an isolated house with a family full of masked killers. Good thing you were born and raised in a survivalist camp and know how to transform ordinary household objects into deadly weapons. Like a mini-blender, good for making one smoothie at a time. Also perfect for slamming down on top of some asshole's head, breaking open the top of their skull and hitting puree ...although I doubt any American made cheapass Wal-Mart stainless steel drill the size of a daisy is really going to boor right through bone and into brain - those things burn out if confronted with unripened bananas. But whatever.

#27 - Oops, Frankenstein's Army (2013)

I forget which monster did this, "this" being the slamming down of a helmet so hard onto a soldier's head that said helmet practically fuses with skin and bone. Was it PropellorHead? Stilty McDrillMouth? Who cares? A well meaning woman earnestly tries to pull the helmet off the poor guys head and ends up with a brain bucket full of actual brains. The look on the woman's face is priceless. All the scene needed was a muted trumpet bugling ironic "wah-wah-WAAAAAAAH" music.

#26 - Horshack's Heart, Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (1986)

Finally. All those years of Welcome Back Kotter blaring in our faces, with John Travolta's insufferable "Up your nose with a rubber hose" resounding in our ears and Horshack's nerve-end shredding honking ass-bray laugh...ARGH! Thank you, Jason Voorhees for this moment. I love you.

#25 - Lola Laid Low, The Loved Ones (2009)

Her name was Lola, she was a psycho. For some stupid reason, I really didn't think this movie was going to be as hardcore nasty as it was. But it was. Fuck, was it ever. Afterover an hour of watching sweet faced Lola in her pretty pink prom dress torturing the ever living fuck out of our hero with knives, nails, chicken legs and power drills, we want her to die SO BAD it burns us, Precious. And when it finally happens - when that sicko twisted psycho fucking bitch finally gets her comeuppance, we get a long, slow, drawn out eternity, watching her death advance towards her. We get to watch as her eyes widen, filled with the knowledge that This Is It and there's nothing she can do about it. And then WHAM! Bam! Thank you, ma'am.

#24 - Tree Branch Smash, The Guardian (2006)

Whenever you see a pretty blond being approached by a group - two or more, in this case three - hairy, half drunken, denim clad bikers with greasy hair and/or swinging guts - you know that two things are about to happen: a rape (or an attempt) and the violent death of the bikers. What you don't expect in this movie is to see the three belching, scumbag bikers stopped dead in their rape attempt by a fucking tree. A conscious, animated tree. A very pissed off tree, who swings a heavy branch at a fat biker's head and smashes it into a zillion bloody pieces. And let me tell you, trying to snag a screen shot of a guys head exploding upon impact with a tree branch is impossible to catch. Because I tried about 19 times. And failed. So here, enjoy some stock footage. Fuck you.

#23 - Really Sneaky, Ravenous (1999)

Oh Guy Pearce and Robert Carlyle, dancing around each other for the whole entire film, trying to pretend there isn't a little homoerotic undercurrent happening there while the ones threatens to eat the other. Finally, the two pretty boys end up in a passionate embrace, rolling in the hay on the floor...smashed between the jaws of a bear trap. They die hugging one another, with whispered promises of ingestion lingering upon bloody lips. You slutty teases.

#22 - Linda, The Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987)

I always wonder, when I watch this movie, whether Ash even had a single second of doubt, during which he might have assumed that Linda was just screwing around and his decapitation of her was just a tad rushed. But we know it wasn't. Poor Linda, though. Head cut off by a shovel, body buried under a flimsy layer of sod. She tries to put it back on and it falls off again. Then it gets slammed against the walls and floor a few times. And then carried out into the workshed and shoved into a vice. And forced to watch as her own headless body bounds in with a chainsaw held aloft and stupidly saws her neck stump in half. Crying and pleading don't help, nor does black bile prevent Ash from slamming the chainsaw into her skull and shutting her up forever.

#21 - Locker Room Crush, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

God this movie sucks. Even with Michael Ironside in it, it sucks. And I don't remember a time when school lockers were big enough to fit inside of, even if you were an anorexic party Barbie. However, some dumb chick who has Found Out the TRUTH about her friend Vicky (now possessed by the vengeful soul of slutty Mary Lou) and attempts to hide by scrunching herself up inside of her gym locker. But we know, and Mary Lou knows, that all she's done is slipped into her own coffin, making her murder that much more convenient. A little telekinesis and an off-camera push of cardboard and the lockers close in like a street vendor's squeeze box, and Dumb Girl's insides explode outward, running down the locker door to drip into a chunky pink puddle on the floor.

#20 - Heart Of Glass, Suspiria (1977)

Do I really have to set this one up for you? Bitch please. Girl gets expelled. Girl runs away into dark and stormy night. Girl seeks shelter at friends house. Girl gets face smooshed up against a window by a demon. Demon stabs girl in her still beating heart with a shard of broken window glass. Girl dies. Girl is then strung up by electrical cord and allowed to fall through glass floor, shards of which slam down to floor below and kill her friend. Everybody's happy.

#19 - BloodSplatterSpaceOrgy, Event Horizon (1997)

Hell is in space, who knew?
Eyes being ripped out, organs being puked up, bodies being torn open.
But what I want to know is...what the fuck is going on in this shot???

#18 - Plate Glass Decap, The Omen (2006)

Again, do I really need to summarize this shit? If you haven't seen this film, you fail as a human being and a horror fan.

#17 - Pool Party, Sinister (2012)

I have a fear of drowning. Not sure why, as I've heard it's one of the more peaceful ways to go. But there's something so horrible about feeling your lungs fill with water, not being able to breathe, suffocating slowly, knowing you're dying. Bad enough if it happens accidentally. But to be drugged, tied to a deck chair and yanked into the water head first, struggling fruitlessly, unable to help yourself, finally forced to breathe that chlorinated fluid deep into your lungs, your reflexes trying to force it back out again but there's no air, none at all, and nature abhors a vacuum. Your lungs fill, your vision blacks out... yeah, thanks movie.

#16 - Flip Top Doc, Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 (1987)

Who knew that the Kingdom of Hell could be toppled so quickly by a girl playing with her box? Distracted by a tongue kiss, the evil Dr. Channard, so recently transformed into the new SadoPerv King of the Cenobites, can only wait helplessly as the doors shut, the connection severs and that big fat tentacle growing out of the top of his head tightens its grip with its talons and pops the top of his head off like the ring tab of a Coke can.

#15 - Mowing Massacre, Dead Alive (1992)
Pahty's Ovah!

#14 - Torn In Half, The Keep (1983)

I'm still not sure how an 80s flick about a vampire running amok in Nazi occupied Eastern Europe, starring Gabriel Byrne and Ian McKellan could be...well, not really all that good. Especially after such a hauntingly promising opening scene in which looting Krauts yank a silver cross out of a temple wall and one of them gets sucked into the void beyond. His buddy tries to pull him back, and succeeds...sort of. What he yanks back in considerably shorter than what was pulled in. Again, I couldn't find a screen shot of this all-but-lost 80s flick, so here's a stock shot of the two Nazi idiots, before they are reduced by a half.

#13 - Mutherfuckin' Black Mamba, Venom (1981)

Again, another movie with a great cast (Oliver Reed looking drunker than usual and playing the role of - surprise - a drunk, Klaus Kinski playing - surprise - an egomaniacal criminal, and Susan George playing - surprise - the slut who has banged them both) that ended up being not all that great really. A rich little boy brings home a pet snake, just as the plot to kidnap him for ransom is unfolding. The snake turns out to be a black mamba given to the kid in error. Mamba slithers off into the house and pops up in the goddamndest places, just in time to foil the dastardly villains plans and save the kid. Susan George gets it right in the face and spends a good ten minutes foaming at the mouth and contorting horribly before finally expiring mid-seizure, like a Romanian gymnast with a massive charlie horse.

#12 - Shag the Maggot, Galaxy Of Terror (1981)

Never wander into a labyrinth of Hell in the deepest reaches of space with your greatest phobias lurking around, undealt with, in the forefront of your mind. This predecessor of Event Horizon makes that flick seem subtle by comparison, especially when a big titted blond with an irrational fear of maggots gets attacked by - what else? - a giant maggot, which rips off her space jumpsuit and fucks her to death with its many probing tongues. Big tits dies with a smile on her face and slime all over her boobs.

#11 - The Splinter, Zombi 2 (1979)

And yet again - if you need to be spoon fed this scene, you're not doing the Horror Fan thing right and I can't help you.

Be patient, my lovelies. The Top 10 have already been chosen, written down and set aside. I'll be presenting them to you very soon, in a very special format, but not tonight. I just want to make Halloween last a little longer, can you blame me? Stay tuned, because we are not done. The Best 10 Deaths are still to come.

~~~ November 1st: Part 8 - The Heart Of Dorkness! ~~~

I told you the last ten deaths in my 100 Faces Of Death countdown would be special.
I teamed up with Erik Carlson, the man behind The Novel Sound, and together we bring you:

The Heart Of Dorkness!

^^ click to listen to the top 10!

#10 - Cube (1997)