Johnny Dead-Eyes

Fuck it. I'm so pissed off about wasting my day off watching Ouija: Origin Of Evil. I need a palate cleanser.

Remember about halfway through the Ouija review, I mentioned that it kinda sorta reminded me of "criminally underrated 2013 ghost flick Haunter, starring a post-Little Miss Sunshine/pre Scream Queens Abigail Breslin and the eternally sexy no matter how old he gets Stephen McHattie?" Well, I apologize to the entire cast and crew of Haunter. And now, because I'm hurting, I've got to lash out in the only way I know how - by making a list of my favorite Stephen McHattie roles.

I have a short list of "older men" who will never be too old to fuck. Christopher Walken, Lance Henriksen, the now sadly deceased John Hurt, etc. Stephen McHattie turned 70 this year, so on the list he goes. 14 more years and Tim Roth will join the ranks.

Anyway...

#1 - Grant Mazzy, Pontypool

I didn't immediately recognize McHattie the first time I saw this film. I was so used to seeing him on Seinfeld with his face clean shaven and sharp as a letter opener, his emotions utterly absent, his bearing so cool you risked frostbite if you walked too close to him. As Grant Mazzy, a rugged, sandpapery Canadian shock jock, buried beneath a cowboy hat, a beard and a fluent knowledge of the French language, Steve simply had too many priceless facial expressions going on for me to pin him down. His winces and cringes and wide-eyed freakouts are hilarious, regardless of the zombie apocalypse happening just outside his door. From start to finish, Steve has the look of a man who just doesn't fucking believe that this shit is really happening, whether he's bemusedly regarding an off-key a cappella group, watching a girl vomit up her insides or kissing his real life wife, he seems totally caught off guard. This is a guy who has been winging it his entire life, but it's working in his favor.

#2 - The Pale Man, Haunter

McHattie is really good at being pale. He's downright gaunt. Waxy. Pallid, even. Perfect for the role of a dead serial killer who likes looming over pretty teenage girls in the afterlife. He makes it very clear to gothy little dead girl Lisa - a girl who was murdered back in the 80s and now haunts the house that Steve was haunting first - that he's onto her. He knows that she knows that she's dead, and he knows that she knows that he knows that she's dead, and she knows that he knows that...uh, well anyway...it's a postmortem murder mystery/ghost movie and McHattie is perfect - he moves with slow precision, gliding like a shadow, filling every frame he inhabits with darkness and the implication of sexual violence. No wonder Abigail Breslin had a massive asthma attack on set.

#3 - Vaun, The Strain

Half human, half vampire, Vaun appeared to be set to star as the Strain's main sun hunter, known as Quinlan in the book. He's got a half breed SWAT team, a shitload of guns and a very low tolerance for bullshit. He's also pastier than The Pale Man with a mouth like a moray eel and an unfortunate complexion somewhere between rotten whale blubber and reptilian roadkill. Regardless, he's quite articulate and good with children. He also walks with a serious pimp swagger and can kick the ass of even the toughest New York homeboy. All of these things combine to make Vaun a fan favorite and a seriously sexy badass, inspiring an assload of X-rated fan fiction and pornographic art projects. Trust me, I know -- I've seen both. So what do the creators of The Strain do, in their infinite wisdom? Kill him off three episodes into the second season and replace him with an actual Quinlan. Yeah? Well fuck you too.

Leland Jones, A History of Violence

Seriously? I have to explain why Leland Jones is awesome? Anyone this passionate about coffee is okay by me. Also, I like a guy who doesn't waste time on chit chat: "Coffee. Black. Shut up, bitch!" Gun? Check. Concealed knife? Check. Coffee pot to the face and still standing? Check. Shot in the head and still trying to fight? Fuck yeah.