Tomorrow is Total Eclipse Day. Unfortunately, I live in Rhode Island and therefore will not be in the path of totality. I think we're getting 60% around about 2:47pm. I'll also be at work. Where there are no windows. And I can't just bop off outside to check out the sitch. I'm trying to tell myself "it's no big deal, I've seen Total Eclipse's before" but you know what, fuck my life. I always miss the fun stuff.
So blahblahblah, clever segue, obligatory post about movies that feature an eclipse, you're welcome. Also, have fun at your fucking eclipse parties, you fuckers. Some of us have to work for a living.
I remember watching this on TV with a room full of male friends and one other girl. The Big Scene arrived: the full moon slides over the face of the sun like an eyelid closing for the last time. Tired hausfrau Dolores chooses this small window of dark time to do the unthinkable: murder her no-good drunken husband. She gets him drunk, she pisses him off and she goads him in into chasing her across the yard where lies within the overgrown summer thickets a deep, long dry well, yawning wide its dark mouth. She clears the hole, he doesn't. Down he goes, and there she stands, looking down on him as he screams. And both myself and the other girl in the room were cheering, fist-pumping, loudly wishing intense pain upon him as he dies. And the guys looked at us in horror, and asked us if we would do the same.
"Yes." we said. Because the scumbag dirtshit ambient scab had been molesting his own daughter, and would have graduated to the Woody Allen finishing school of Fucking Your Teenage Daughter had Dolores not stopped him. The bastard had it coming.
#2 - Gerald's Game
"The total solar eclipse lasted just over a minute that day, Jessie...except in your mind. In there, it's still going on, isn't it?"
Jessie, naked and handcuffed to the bed in her isolated summer home, has plenty of time to think about how exactly the fuck she ended up there. Her abysmal self esteem, which led her to agree to marry Prime Putz Steak Gerald can all be traced back to Dark Score Lake where, when she was ten, her father molested her during a solar eclipse. Now, some forty years later, Jessie is still waiting for the sun to come back out.
Eclipse Checklist, circa 1985:
• Conjure Satan.
• Provide Satan with room and board until night of eclipse.
• Hire babysitter, preferably a pretty virgin.
• Make sure babysitter is brainwashed into ordering pizza.
• Make sure pizza place has Satan worshipping employee.
• Make sure Satan worshipping employee is scheduled to work on the night of the eclipse.
• Make sure to provide Satan worshipping employee with powerful drugs capable of knocking out a bull elephant.
• Make sure drugs look like cheese and pepperoni so the brainwashed babysitter will eat it.
• Change babysitter into white nightgown once she is unconscious.
• Tie her down to the floor and draw Satanic symbols all over her.
• Impregnate her with Satan's baby.
• Done.
#4 - Darkness
Sir Jorah Mormont moves to Spain and promptly loses his mind. Rogue from X-Men figures out that a looming Eclipse is going to usher in a whole new thing of evil, or something. Crap happens, everyone dies, the end.
"And he stretched forth his hand towards the Heavens, and there was darkness across the land of Egypt."
A bunch of stupid white people go fucking about in ancient Egyptian tombs and accidentally bring a mummy back to life. And not just any mummy, a really wicked magical one who has the power to bring about the Ten Plagues Of Egypt. Except, if I remember correctly, they only get around to seven of the plagues. Because apparently, frogs aren't scary enough to use as an effect in a horror movie. Still, this beats the shit out of Tom Cruise's sorryass reboot.
#6 - Ladyhawke
"Do you know that hawks and wolves mate for life? The Bishop didn't even leave us that...not even that."
I love this movie. I have always loved this movie. I will always love this movie. I give no fucks what you think of that. I forgive it its shitty 80s synth music. Cursed by a wicked priest, beautiful Isabeau is transformed into a hawk at dawn, and her lover Navarre into a wolf by night. There's a full solar eclipse on the way, which may be the only chance the doomed lovers have to breaking the spell. If you seriously cannot find something to love about this movie, you have a huge chunk of tar where your heart ought to be and I don't want to know you.
No comments:
Post a Comment