Boggy Reek

Film: Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues 

Directed by: Charles B. Pierce

Starring: The director, the directors son from his first marriage, the directors second wife, that girl who was always cast as a Native American in every movie she ever made except for this one, a guy in a Bigfoot suit and a cast of extras who would probably end up marching with tiki torches in Charlottesville, VA.

I agree.

1985 saw the release of many a quality film: Back to the Future, The Breakfast Club, The Color Purple, A Room With A View, The Goonies, Re-Animator, the list goes on. Released in December of that year, Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues, was not one of those quality films. It snuck in at the tail end of the year like a fart after a feast, unwelcome, enjoyed only by the deeply disturbed and politely ignored by everyone else.

Boggy Creek II was, in actuality, Boggy Creek III. But as Boggy Creek 2 (aka Return to Boggy Creek) was not directed by Charles B. Pierce, Chuck decided not to reference it in any way. Just as well since RTBG starred The Professor and Mary Ann of Gilligan's Island fame, and Dana Plato of How To Rob a Video Store with a Pellet Gun fame.

Apparently, several sequels followed BG2ATLC, but seriously, who gives a rats ass? This movie sucks. It ended up on MST3k for a reason. Here is a brief list of those reasons:

#1 - It was filmed in Texarkana. There are no black people anywhere to be seen. Everyone in this film is a cracker: heavy Southern accents, lots of guns and plaid flannel, rotting, soggy houses that cannot be distinguished from outhouses, etc. Director Pierce stars as Professor Lockhart, an insufferably arrogant and condescending fuckwipe who swings by the general store in the swamp for the sole purpose of insulting the people who work there. And despite the fact that the staff is made up of flabby, sweaty, ambient pork rinds who undoubtedly have conical white hats with eyeholes stored in their closets, Lockhart's massively inflated superiority complex still grates harder than a porcupine on a carrot peeler.

#2 - At one point in the film, Lockhart enthralls his students with the tale of a man who actually encountered the Boggy Creek Creature (aka Red State Bigfoot) on a lonely back road one dark night. According to the Prof, the man was attacked by the Creature and later died without regaining consciousness. Which begs the question: THEN HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?! For Chrissakes, the guy could have been mauled by a badger for all we know. That's not a plot hole, that's a plot vacuum erupting in the wake of a collapsed star that was once made out of quicksand.

#3 - There are five people in this film named Charles. I hate the name Charles.

#4 - Why does the character of Oscar Culpotter excrete yellow shit? What the fuck has he been eating, a strict diet of squash, corn and Twinkies? Is that an actual turd clinging to his pantleg? Why did we need to see this? Also, please tell me this guy was not a method actor and that's just mud mixed with yellow food dye.

#5 - So, the kid who plays Tim is actually the real life son of Charles B. Pierce. Tim's name is also Charles. We even hear Charles Senior refer to "Tim" as "Charlie" at one point. Make up your mind, is it Charles, Chuck or Charlie? And why is he the same age as Cindy Butler, who plays High Maintenance Roller Disco Bitch Leslie Walker, and was also the Real Life Wife At The Time of Charles Senior? Ew, just...ew!

#6 - Can you imagine what Old Man Crenshaw must smell like? And why is he called "Old Man" Crenshaw? There is no evidence of a Young Man Crenshaw anywhere to be seen - not even a rumor. Also, Old Man Crenshaw appears to be about 35. Are hillbillies like dogs, and one year counts as seven in their life spans? Do you think this guy has ever washed a single load of laundry in his life? Does he own a pair of underpants? Has he ever wiped his ass after taking a shit that hopefully is not as unnaturally yellow as Old Man Culpotter's?

#7 - Okay, so Boggy Creek Senior has a Boggy Creek Junior. Can we assume that they are also both named Charles? But where is MRS. Boggy Creek, whose name has simply got to be Charlotte? Did Boggy reproduce asexually? Are we supposed to assume that a female Boggy exists, or that Boggy just goes around randomly raping southern fried hausfraus? Although, admittedly, said hausfraus probably can't tell the difference between a skunk ape and their husband(s) anyway. Also also, the greater percentage of them probably have a different father for every kid they ever squirted out and so it wasn't really a huge deal when Boggy Senior claimed custody. Alright, so no great stretch there.

#8 - We're deep in the swamps of Arkansas and yet we haven't seen a single meth lab. I call bullshit.

The best actor in the movie: Mr. Mad Billy Goat Gruff, aka Mrs. Crenshaw.