It Follows

Alright. Time for an as-it-happens film review. I am sitting home, my one day off of work this week and I have a skull full of snot. Did you know that Delsym tastes like badger piss? 

Oh goodie, another victim named Annie that I can add to my collection, thus proving my theory that Annie Always Dies.

Yeah, everyone wants you to believe that beach aerobics are sooo cool.

Wow. Much Sophia Coppola. Many Kodachrome. Such Virgin Suicides.

I must admit, I like the idea of doing away with the middle man and just making Sex Itself the ultimate boogeyman. Although I have to wonder: could a condom prevent the spread of the ghost STD?

"Yes officer, the sex was consensual. However, the part where he chloroformed me, tied me to a wheelchair and forced me to look at a nondescript zombie/ghost and then dumped me in my frilly pink underwear in the street in front of my house was not at all what I had in mind."

"Hey, where's my Jello?! My Depends need changing! My kids never visit me! I am the Great Demon Nana and I will haunt you to the end of your days with stories about severe weather and horrifying tales of raspberry seeds stuck in my dentures! Come back here, you haven't seen my doily collection yet!"









Man, these kids spend a lot of free time watching 50s sci-fi that no one watches anymore without benefit of a couple of homemade robots and a dorky guy.

Whoa! What the fuck is that on the wall over there? That yellow thing with the coiled tail, see it? Is that some weird sort of cephalopod? How is it clinging to the wall like that? What is it in Gods name WHAT IS IT?!?!









Yes, brilliant. Run out to the park in the middle of the night, sit on the rusty swing set that loudly creaks every time you move in it and thereby gives away your position and wait patiently for the Devil of Death By Sex to come find you.

Christ, do these kids live in Cabrini Green?

Great synth music from the early 80s though. Very Tech Noir on Pico Boulevard.

"Hey you guys, I found the Hellraiser set!"












Stop spinning the camera in a circle, I'm gonna barf.

This is by far the quietest horror movie I've ever watched.

Oh I get it - it's like Ringu, except with sex instead of videotape. And since you have to lie to the person you're sleeping with in order to pass the curse on, I guess technically you could call this Sex, Lies and Videotape. Except there's no videotape. Fuck it, nevermind.

Honey, you can't shoot an invisible sex disease.

Also, what the hell language are these subtitles? KoreaRussoTurkish?

"Omg you guys, I totally used too much hairspray this morning."

Way to go, Princess. You escaped It Follows and crashed headlong into Children of the Corn.











Is it just me or does this girl look a lot like Brittany Murphy pre terminal glassy-eyes and insane assload amounts of narcotics?

No guy should ever wear white spandex pants. Ever. For any reason.

Oh great, so she sleeps with that guy next door and he in turn gets fucked to death by an entity that looks like his own mom. Eeewww. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that the director had a massive Oedipal complex.

Man. Would have been beyond embarrassing if she'd swum all the way out to that boat and found out that the three guys she planned on banging were all gay.

Hey! HEY!!! WTF?!?! We've seen bare nekkid boobies all the way through this entire goddamned movie, and finally a nude naked man with no clothes on shows up, just chillin' on the roof, and they've got his dick blurred out by a blob? NOT COOL. I demand fair treatment! I can see tits all day in front of my own fucking mirror. GIMME THE COCK!!!

I doubt it's a very impressive cock, considering it's attached to an old dead guy, but it's the goddamned principle of the thing.



Hey, isn't this how Let The Right One In ended?

Omg daaaaad, like stop throwing TV sets at me!

Ah, the Scooby Doo solution. Throw a sheet over the invisible menace and shoot it. That happened in Scooby Doo, didn't it?

Omg ew, Debbie got her period in the pool!








Okay, not bad. All things considered it was pretty decent. Not as mind-blowingly, be-all-end-all, holy shit I just peed your pants Horror Capital of Scarytown super Godzilla sized frightfest that it was being hyped to be. But it was good. Subdued. Dread heavy. Nicely timeless looking.

Still pissed off about that blurred out cock shot though.