It doesn't hurt, but it's annoying, feeling the rip every time my eyeball rolls in its socket. And the fucking goo the doctor gave me to put in my eye is a joke: APPLY 1 CENTIMETER RIBBON TO LOWER CONJUNCTIVAL SAC...yeah right. It comes out in a fat glob, half of which oozes down my cheek immediately, and then I walk around for an hour looking like a bargain bin pirate. I don't even have a cool patch to wear.
Anyway, I have severe eye phobia. I do not stick shit in my eye. I don't do drops, I refuse to wear contacts, etc. I feel about my eyes the way I feel about anal sex: nothing is being put in there, period.
Okay, end segue, begin article about horrible things happening to people's eyes.
#1 - Fulci's Zombi.
Double derhey. If you haven't seen this scene, you haven't seen jack shit and you fail as a horror fan.
#2 - Friday the 13th, Part 3
Big dumb guy (or rather, a really terrible looking dummy dressed to look like Big Dumb Guy) gets his neck twisted so hard that his eyeball pops out on its impossibly long stalk and right into the 3D glasses wearing audience.
#3 - May
Eh, she wasn't really using it anyway...
#4 - Hostel
I fucking hated this movie. But hey, a blowtorch to the eyeball? How can I not include this on the list?
#5 - Un Chien Andalou
FUCK NO!!!
#6 - 28 Days Later
Okay yeah, it's the bad guy and he totally deserved it but, ugh. His agonized screams make it even worse.
#7 - The Birds
Wow. I can't imagine the coroner being able to fit "pecked to death by birds who plucked out his eyes like ripe, juicy peeled grapes" onto the autopsy report.
#8 - Session 9
In this case, we don't actually see the guy getting an orbitoclast rammed into his meaty eyeball. We see it being pulled out, slowly, with full accompaniment of horrible, squishy noises. Guh-ross.
#9 - The Fog
Again, we don't see James Canning's eyeballs being poked out, but we see enough: his eyes bulging, the whites glistening in the darkness, the leper zombie ghost raising a long, sharp pokie thing, then RAM! RAM! and audible, wet and gristly popping sounds, like melons being smashed on concrete.
#10 - Jeepers Creepers
Could be worse. You could have been sewn up alive inside of a walrus suit and had both legs amputated.
Honorable Mentions:
The Descent - up to the thumb knuckles in eye goo gore.
Kill Bill Vol. 2 - Daryl Hannah gets plucked like a chicken.
Blade Runner - Roy Batty declares a thumb war.
Cannibal Ferox - No.
Saw 2 - The DIY version.
Audition - Not sure you can do acupuncture on eyeballs, but okay.
The Evil Dead 2 - That'll teach you to open your mouth in a horror movie.
Dead & Buried - Beaten, burned and broken. Think you're safe in ICU? Amateur.
The Beyond - What was Fulci's deal, anyway?
The Butcher - Don't watch this film. Unless you really like POV ass rape scenes and a severe close-up of an eyeball being crudely cut and ripped out of a screaming woman's face. Cruel, vicious, senseless torture porn from Korea. Barf.
No comments:
Post a Comment