There's a metric ton of really good Christmas movies out there, movies timeless and classic and so beloved that we watch them every year without fail or complaint: A Christmas Story, How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the animated one, not the hoofwanking Jim Carrey debacle), It's A Wonderful Life (the original, not the several billion trashy made-for-TV knockoffs), A Christmas Carol (take your pic, most of them are decent). Hell, there's even a decent amount of Christmas horror movies out there: Black Christmas (the 1974 original, most definitely NOT the anal drainage bag that was the remake), Gremlins, P2. Hell, it's Christmastime, I'll even be generous and say that Silent Night Deadly Night was... okay. I guess. Fuck the sequel, though. I'd rather have an entire ceramic Nativity set shoved up my ass than sit through that ripe slice of crotchfruit ever again. Dear MST3k guys: if you release a Rifftrax for Silent Night Deadly Night 2, I will love you forever, amen. But in the meantime, we'll always have Santa Claus conquering martians and battling Satan, because Santa - as we all know - is a blade man, man! He'll cutcha! He's a superfly sex machine with all the ladies. What? Just talkin' 'bout Santa. Can you dig it?
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Neopolitan Santa threatens to fart on Servo's head.
Once upon a time, Mars was a proud and noble planet of war. The fearsome Martians were uber mega hella fearsome, feared by every organism capable of fear in the whole entire galaxy. But in the 1960s, when their Martian kids started tuning into Earthling TV shows and rebelling against the establishment, the Martians realize their race is threatened. They require laughter and joy and merriment and all that crap. So, somehow unaware of the fact that they are all clad in green leotards, flouncy capes and bobbly antennae, they set out looking for a way to make their kids laugh. Irony at its finest.
Not creepy at all.
Kidnapping Santa seems like a surefire way to turn their planet into a goofy funworld of fluffy delight and superfluous toys. They also kidnap two Earth kids, whose negligent parents let them wander off into the wintery woods without supervision. Waiting for them on Mars is a ready made Martian Cleaver family with a built-in Martian babysitter named Droppo, a manchild Martian who is so supremely icky and creepy that your immediate instinct is to recoil in horror from his slow-witted predators smile and his slimy exuberance. He's not quite full blown child molestor material, but one could see him dropping his green Martians boxers and yanking one out right in front of the kids. Maybe that's why they call him Droppo.
Anyway, Operation Santa is vehemently opposed by Martian Bad Guy Volmar. We know he's a bad guy because he's the only Martian with a mustache. And not just a regular mustache, but a thick black porno mustache! Other obstacles in the path include a guy in a box painted to look like a robot, and another guy crawling around on his hands and knees pretending to be a polar bear. After about an hour and a half of watching full grown men prancing about in tights and metal jocks with green make-up smeared halfheartedly over their faces and all looking severely uncomfortable and embarrassed, Santa and the Earth kids return home in time for Christmas, Mars elects Droppo to be their own personal Pedo Claus, Volmar is ordered to shave his mustache and little Martian girl Girmar grows up to be Pia Zadora and moves to Earth to star in John Waters movies.
Without the running commentary by Joel and the Bots, this film would be the cinematic equivalent of slamming your face down onto a skillet whilst allowing a sexually ambiguous elf to sodomize you with a jumbo sized candy cane. I can't imagine any child being actually entertained by this movie. Not even kids from the 60s. Not even kids with brain damage. This film is just frames away from being Disney Snuff. It's got that grimy, secondhand grindhouse quality, just inches away from being slimy and possibly produced by an entire guild of child molesters. However, this episode did produce a memorable new Christmas Carol standard in the form of "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas" penned by Crow T. Robot, who was inspired by the 1989 film Roadhouse. I can't find any information online as to whether or not the late Mr. Swayze was even aware of the carol written in his honor, or what he may have thought of it, but one likes to think he approved.
Santa Claus (1959)
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?!
I have no fucking idea what this movie is about, therefore I can only draw conclusions based on the images presented. So apparently, Santa Claus lives in a magical star kingdom in space, where he forces all of the Earth children he's kidnapped over the years to perform in racist musical numbers for his sick entertainment. Seriously, what the fuck? Little black kids dancing around in leopard panties and bones in their hair? Jesus fuck, why don't you just hand them little Christmas stockings stuffed full of fried chicken and watermelon? What the hell is wrong with you, you fat, twisted, racist gnome?
Lupita Quezadas, where are you now?
After presenting us with exaggerated stereotypes from all over the world, we move onto Mexico, where we are presented with the sweetest little girl in the whole entire world. Little Lupita is the most solemn child in all of Mexico City and appears to still be in diapers. But she's old enough to grasp right from wrong. She also wants a doll more than anything in the world, and Satan's kid brother Pitch - a flamingly prancy little devil in red silk pantaloons - sees his chance to twist her tiny little immortal soul and turn her into a wicked sinner, urging the girl to steal a doll from the marketplace. She resists temptation, winning favor in the eyes of Santa who watches her through his magical telescope like a total perv. Lupita returns home to the poverty stricken shack where she lives with her mother, baby brother and some greasy guy who might be her dad or might be her mom's pimp/local drug cartel/whatever. Pitch - who could very well be related to Droppo the Martian - isn't done yet and continues trying to turn Lupita into a master doll thief.
In the meantime, Santa is tinkering around with some truly horrifying mechanical reindeer and a gigantic pair of lips installed in his wall. What exactly he does with that huge, juicy, pillowy, suckyfucky seductive pair of glossy red lips in the off season is something I don't wanna know about but which conjures really upsetting imagery nevertheless. The Disembodied Lips would go on to star in a plethora of films after their debut in this film such as The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Silence of the Lambs and A Dirty Shame, before retiring to Silicon Valley. Hur hur, get it?
Sorry.
Anyway, Merlin the Wizard shows up in a ball gown, Lupita gets her doll (which, Crow T. Robot remarks, isn't a doll so much as a sister, it's that fucking big), the poor little rich boy gets his wish for a baby brother after Santa slips his parents some roofies in two smoking martinis, ostensibly to get them in the mood for some Freaky Salsa Sheet Dancing later that night, Pitch goes back to his tap dance studio in Hell, Santa goes back to his lips and Lupita's dad steals his daughter's doll, stuffs it full of heroin and sends it over the border in a mass smuggling operation the following spring.
No comments:
Post a Comment