Say you love The Howling. SAY IT, goddamn you! Okay look, I had a bad day
at the job - you know, the one that pays the bills? I came home and
promptly got shitfaced and am watching The Howling on repeat, torn
between two werewolves. Should I marry Rob Bottin or Eddie Quist? And
which one is hairier? In my unasked for opinion, The Howling is the best werewolf movie ever made. Better than American Werewolf (because it actually had a plot), better than Wolf, which I hated. Actually I hate Jack Nicholson. Fucking sue me, the guy plays Jack Nicholson in every single goddamned movie he's ever made. If you don't love The Howling, you are wrong. If it is not one of your top 2 werewolf movies of all time, you are Wronger than the Wrongest Wrongface ever to Wrong their way through Wrong Way Ville.
Anyway, there's really not a lot of super great werewolf movies. There's The Howling. We'll pretend its sequels never happened. There's An American Werewolf in London, and no, you cannot have Paris. There's um...uh, Dog Soldiers was okay I guess. And...uh...oh fuck it, I'm too drunk to segue. Please continue reading this badly written article about which obscure, low budget werewolf movies I would recommend even if I was stone cold sober. Which I am not. I already have a fucking headache. Oh god, I will regret this in the morning...
Big Bad Wolf (2006)
Directed by: Lance Dreesen
Starring: That guy with the big face who was in Black Hawk Down, Chloe Grace Moretz's big bruddah, I think Clint Howard is in there somewhere too.
Synopsis: Grody pig stepdad is a werewolf. Even when fully transformed into his lycanthrope alter ego, he can still talk and favors dirty jokes. He also rapes a girl who was half a virgin and then gets a blow job from his step son's girlfriend. Some other shit happens. The end. Intended as a comedy, BBW is a very dirty joke with a sadistic sense of humor. Romasanta (2004)
Directed by: Paco Plaza, the guy who co-directed the [REC] films.
Starring: Julian mutherfucking Sands, who would have been Christopher Walken if we hadn't already had one. Also, several Stuart Gordon hotties.
Synopsis: Technically, this is a drama/thriller, based on the true story of Spain's first documented serial killer Manuel Blanco Romasanta, who looked nothing like Julian Sands. Romasanta claimed to be a werewolf. The courts said he was insane. However, the film looks at the story from both points of view, ultimately allowing you to decide for yourself. My friend Ray Garton just pointed out to me that there can't possibly be two sides because werewolves don't exist, but I do not care because I choose to believe. Also, I am drunk.
Directed by: Neil Jordan, the king of the vampire movies, responsible for both Interview With the Vampire and the vastly superior Byzantium.
Starring: Sarah Patterson, an incredibly beautiful girl who has all but disappeared from the silver screen. Also, David Warner, Angela Lansbury, Jordan staple Stephen Rea and Goth Queen Danielle Dax as a wounded wolfgirl. Also, Terence Stamp as Satan. Woo!
Synopsis: Long before Ginger Snaps, this film boldly addressed the similarities between menstruating teens and lycanthropy, presenting the tale Little Red Riding Hood as a tale of sexual awakening rather than a cautionary tale about avoiding strangers. Patterson as Little Red is flawless, sweet and innocent but also shrewd and fearless.
Directed by: Milton Moses Ginsberg
Starring: Dean Stockwell, who is fucking brilliant, and a bunch of other people I've never heard of.
Synopsis: Guy goes to Hungary. Guy gets bitten by werewolf. Guy returns to US and becomes press assistant to the President of the United States of America. Hilarity ensues. This is a viciously satirical post Watergate political comedy which nevertheless knows its lore and manages to remain, at its core, a movie about a guy who turns into a wolf every now and again and goes on killing sprees. Fortunately for Stockwell, his lycanthropic tantrums are blamed on hippies.
Directed by: Michel Levesque, who also did Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens and The Incredible Melting Man.
Starring: some people
Synopsis: A rough biker gang makes the grave mistake of stopping at a Satanic Temple one night. Lead bikers girlfriend is hypnotized and forced to do a sexy bump and grind with a skull and a snake. This somehow turns her into a werewolf. Pretty soon, the other bikers are getting killed off by the girl and her bitten boyfriend, who are only slightly hairier and dirtier than the rest of the gang. Is this a great film? No. Is it fun? Hell yes. A nice, gritty grindhouse flick reminiscent of Hells Angels '69, which actually starred the Hell Angels and is THE penultimate biker film ever, your argument to the contrary is invalid because Hells Angels.
Directed by: Scott Maginnis
Starring: nobody famous
Synopsis: A werewolf/chupacabra is running amok in Texas, doing things and killing stuff. Four teenagers band together to destroy it and thus save their town from misunderstandings and racial tension. Silly but goodhearted little flick with a great sense of humor. Honestly, it's been a long time since I've seen this flick so I don't remember the particulars, but I remember thinking it was a hell of a lot better than I thought it would be. Also, Serial Killer Magazine was nice enough to post my review of it at some point. I don't remember giving permission, but whatever - it's not like I get paid for this shit.
Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)
Directed by: Christophe Gans, who would go on to direct Silent Hill.
Starring: Monica Belluci in a pushup bra and tons of gorgeous silken finery, the guy who was in Frontier(s), a hot Iroquois and a really bigass African lion in a suit of armor.
Synopsis: Yeah so I kind of blew it. The "wolf" in the movie is actually a gigantic lion clad in armor plate and spikes who has been trained to kill on command. But that's not the point. The French aristocracy is trying to pass the pussy off as a werewolf to overthrow the king and gain power somehow. It's been a really long time since I've seen this film, but I remember it as beautiful and sorrowful and very, very fucking weird.
No comments:
Post a Comment