Mostly Sharks

Blake's Bum - giving Yara Greyjoy's ass a run for its money.

It's Shark Week here in 'Murrica, and...yeah, I don't really watch Shark Week. I don't like apple pie or fireworks either. I mean, I'll eat it if it's put in front of me. The apple pie that is, not the fireworks. All fireworks do is keep me awake and freak out my cats. Oooo, yeah baby, the smell of gun powder is just so patriotic.

Wait, where was I going with this?
Oh. Yeah. Shark Week. Which is almost over now. But my BFF Erik and I managed to squeeze in a viewing of 2016's summer blockbuster hopeful The Shallows last night, and rather enjoyed it. There will be a full review coming later today on our podcast Fear Of A Dork Planet, and while it may not be the "best shark movie since Jaws" I can only ask everyone to keep in mind that there have been - what - maybe 3 major shark movies since Jaws? Not counting Sharknado?

Anyway, I wanted to briefly go over the trailers we were forced to watch whilst awaiting our main attraction last night. I don't give a fuck about the Ghostbusters remake, nor will I be attending the premiere of Bad Moms. That leaves just a scant handful of pics from which to choose, inlcuding...

Lights Out

Directed by: James Wan, a man who is not actually a director per se, but rather a high end Oster 14 speed blender, who regularly stuffs his hollow skull full of fake blood, pancake makeup and film, purees the living fuck out of it and then spits it out and calls it "The Scariest Mutherfucking Splatter of Regurgitated Jumpscares Ever to Smack You in the Face with a Gaudy Splash!" Yeah, fucking James Wan with his goddamned Conjuring's and his stupid Annabelle's and his big, stinky handfuls of Insidious, a clusterfuck of a clown car accident masquerading as a horror franchise.

This time around, lil' Jimmy takes the short film Lights Out by David Sandberg and stretches its original 2 minute runtime into an overblown 2 hours as is his schtick. It looks predictable as hell and about as scary as a lint trap, so yeah - a James Wan film. No thanks.



Don't Breathe

Directed by: That guy who did the Evil Dead remake. Which I hated. Also starring the girl who was in the Evil Dead remake. Which I hated. But at least the premise looks original this time around: three hoodrats desperate to escape their slummy existence, decide to rob a blind man's house in the dead of night. Trouble is, he's a serial killer. Also trouble is, he's booby trapped his entire house and is keeping them sealed inside. And now the remaining cast members must carefully tiptoe their way around the house, with the blind killer right in front of them, trying not to draw attention to themselves with a gasp or a fart or a squeaky floorboard underfoot betraying their whereabouts.



Neon Demon

Directed by: Nicolas Winding Refn, which is the primary reason I am aching to see this film. I love Nicolas Winding Refn. Not a lot of people do, as his films frequently cause a record number of walkouts within 10-20 minutes of their Cannes premieres. I have the vaguest idea of what the film is about and have purposefully not gone around, seeking out spolieriffic reviews or even synopsis heavy write ups. I want to experience it, because much like Gaspar Noe, Nicolas Winding Refn's films are eye orgies.

And then there's the movie that nobody is talking about, because it doesn't exist. Yet. However, I have no doubt that it will be making the art house rounds by early autumn. The plot: simple, yet beautifully intricate: a hammerhead shark, a mako shark and a great white shark are roommates off the coast of New Zealand. There's also an 8,000 year old Megalodon living in the basement who does not attend house meetings. The great white utterly refuses to clean the bones off of the coral reef, and none of them can seem to keep the blood from ruining the furniture. It's called What We Do in the Shallows, and it will be hitting screens this century, along with Air Shark, details of which can be heard on the upcoming 18th episode of Fear Of A Dork Planet. Stay tuned!

Audio Commentaries

So, Erik and I recorded the 17th episode of our podcast last night: Fear Of A Dork Planet. We discussed such things as He-Man nicknames, Harry Dean Stanton, the tragic and untimely death of Anton Yelchin and the unfairness of life in general. It's been a grim and depressing week in the world - moreso than usual, and that's saying something - but Erik and I do try to shine a light into the void.

We also touched on the subject of films and TV shows that we turn to when our spirits need lifting. Erik opted for Best In Show, we both agreed on Waiting For Guffman and What We Do In The Shadows, I confessed my love for Adult Swim and highly recommended the audio commentary tracks for the horror comedies Evil Dead 2 and ReAnimator.

I stated that I would never purchase a DVD that did not include an audio commentary. This is 97% true. Some films just don't include audio commentaries, but yet must be owned because they are films I cannot live without.Some films have audio commentaries that I listened to once and never again because they were clearly recorded by people who have no fucking idea how to comment on a film and make it enjoyable. And there's some films I won't watch without the audio commentary track turned on. Here are some examples of the latter two:

The BEST Audio Commentaries:

Evil Dead II

Commentary by: Bruce Campbell, Sam Raimi, Scott Spiegel & Greg Nicotero

Why It's Great: Bruce needs make-up because he can't act. Sam's Oldesmobile is as healthy as the day it came out of the Ford factory. Holly Hunter is kind of a bitch.

ReAnimator

Commentary by: Bruce Abbott, Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, Robert Sampson & Brian Yuzna.

Why It's Great: Barbara Crampton has a big zit on her face. Jeffrey Combs checks out a dead naked guy. Everyone speculates as to who exactly is squeezing Barbie's boobies.

The Thing

Commentary by: John Carpenter & Kurt Russell

Why It's Great: Kurt Russell doesn't like things that explode. Wilford Brimley thinks about his laundry a lot. Keith David once stole a car in New York City. 

The WORST Audio Commentaries:

"Will you guys just SHUT UP?!"

Predators

Commentary by: Nimrod Antal & Robert Rodriguez. (What kind of sadistic mother names her son Nimrod?)

Why It Sucks: Two hours of listening to these guys jerk each other of. "You're the best, Robert!" "No, you're the best, Nimrod!" "No, YOU'RE the besty westy westest in the whole wide world, Wobbie!" Barf. Just blow each other already.

The Exorcist

Commentary by: William Friedkin.

Why It Sucks: Attention everybody! William Friedkin is going to tell us exactly what's about to happen and then we can watch it happen! Dude, this isn't commentary for the blind. Apparently you missed the memo, but people who buy DVDs and listen to audio commentaries have usually already seen the film multiple times and wish to learn something new from the commentary track, not a blow by blow.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Commentary by: Pretty much everybody. The elf, the dwarf, the hobbits, etc.

Why It Sucks: Word up to John Rhys Davies: Can you shut up for even thirty seconds? 


Admittedly, this article should be way longer, but as usual I am pressed for time. I'll do another installment in the near future. Like you care.

King of Dogs

"A direwolf's no pet. Get her a dog. She'll be happier for it."
~ Robert Baratheon, Game Of Thrones, Season 1 Episode 2 The King's Road

Finally! Sandor Clegane, aka The Hound, aka Dog, aka The Man Who Will Eat Every Fucking Chicken in the Room, aka The Mountain's kid brother, aka Hamburger Half Face (ok, I made that last one up) is back! They made us wait for over a year, tried to make us believe he was dead, but we knew better. Partly because most of us have read the books and were aware of The Gravedigger, mostly because this is Game Of Thrones and nobody is dead unless you see them utterly dismembered and burnt to ashes...and even then I wouldn't bet on it. But even though I know this series will not have a happy ending, because no matter who wins, someone we like will have to die, and they're all going to be ripped apart by White Walkers anyway, so, yeah, Valar Morghulis baby - I must now issue my firm warning to the show's writers and George RrrrrRRRrRr Martin: do NOT kill The Hound off until he at least completes the following two three tasks:

#1 - Kill Ramsey Bolton.

Notsorry.

Ramsey Bolton must die. Obviously. We all thought that Prince Joffrey was the smuggest, vilest, most narcissistic little crybaby bitch-diaper pussy jerkstick with a face like an egg-sucking inflamed butt pucker post diarrhea talking hemorrhoid ever to mince around Westeros in his foppy silks and velvets like an effeminate lawn gnome with a terminal case of bitchface. But Ramsey Bolton proved that there's always someone ten times worse. Everyone loves to hate Ramsey Bolton, the bastard born of a rape who is such a monumental doucheplug sadistic shitbag that he feeds his stepmom and newborn baby brother to his ferocious pack of pissed off dogs. But before that, we had to suffer the offscreen spectacle of Ramsey Bolton's vicious rape of Sansa Stark, a virgin at the time. We may not have seen it, but we had the set-up: Sansa bent over a bedpost with Theon Greyjoy acting as audience to what sounds like a Class A, frat boy quality brutal reaming of her untouched orifices, the only soundtrack Sansa's weeping howls and Ramsey's fierce grunts. Barf-o-rama.

So how fitting would it be to see the Dog Master killed by The Hound? Ramsey must die. Like the Dothraki chicks like to say: "It is known." And we're all in agreement that his death must be horrible. But we're also in unspoken agreement that his demise must not only be the snuffing out of his soul-candle, but must also crush him spiritually. We want to see him dwarfed. We want to see him cry like a blubbery little pisspants bitch, begging for his life with a kiddie river of snot running from his nose. We want to see him crushed, flattened, squished into oblivion. So who better to do it than The Hound, an immense meatplow of a man who also happens to have some serious squish-feelings for Sansa? He protected her from Joffrey, now he must avenge her for Ramsey. What the hell else does he have to do? Well...

#2 - Get the Sansa Hook Up

Come on, already. He's never been touched by a woman without an exchange of gold or silver (or dragonmetal or whatever the hell passes for currency in that fucking fantasy world) having taken place first. And every single sexual experience Sansa has ever had (with the exception of that really yucky kiss she shared with Littlefinger, which doesn't count because ICKY!) has been violent, unwanted and resulted in masses of bruises. The only man in Westeros who has ever treated Sansa with genuine reverence is The Hound. I'm not saying "Oh please, let's let them get married, won't we? And then they can adopt Arya and set up house in a tidy little Hobbit cottage and raise seven kids." because I know that's not gonna happen. I don't even necessarily want to see that happen. But can they at least kiss? Maybe make some consensual, enjoyable sex before they both inevitably die? Can we just have that one little thing? Geez, Daenarys got some dick action from Daario, Yara Greyjoy is fucking the tits off of some buxom barmaid, let Sansa have a little action for once. I mean, good action. Let her find out what multiple orgasms are. Jeez.

#3 - Kill The Mountain

Somebody also had to kill The Mountain. He's a brute, a rapist, a killer. And although his presence in season 5 as Cersei's silent Sherman Tank has been amusing, he has to be killed. Violently. By someone with a good reason to kill him. Who better than The Hound, whose face was turned into pizza by Gregor Clegane when they were kids? And for those of us who read the books, it's suspected that he may have done away with their only other sibling, an unnamed sister, whom I suspect survived and became Brienne of Tarth, quite frankly. But regardless, The Mountain has won too many times and must pay with his life.

That's it. That's all I want. So don't fuck this up, Game Of Thrones. You take take take and force us to watch Red Weddings and Door Holdings, you gotta give a little in return. Do the three aforementioned things for me, and I will shut up forever after, amen. Kill whoever you want, just give The Hound some love, you fuckers.

“Evil indeed is the man who has not one woman to mourn him.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Hound of the Baskervilles