Mostly Sharks

Blake's Bum - giving Yara Greyjoy's ass a run for its money.

It's Shark Week here in 'Murrica, and...yeah, I don't really watch Shark Week. I don't like apple pie or fireworks either. I mean, I'll eat it if it's put in front of me. The apple pie that is, not the fireworks. All fireworks do is keep me awake and freak out my cats. Oooo, yeah baby, the smell of gun powder is just so patriotic.

Wait, where was I going with this?
Oh. Yeah. Shark Week. Which is almost over now. But my BFF Erik and I managed to squeeze in a viewing of 2016's summer blockbuster hopeful The Shallows last night, and rather enjoyed it. There will be a full review coming later today on our podcast Fear Of A Dork Planet, and while it may not be the "best shark movie since Jaws" I can only ask everyone to keep in mind that there have been - what - maybe 3 major shark movies since Jaws? Not counting Sharknado?

Anyway, I wanted to briefly go over the trailers we were forced to watch whilst awaiting our main attraction last night. I don't give a fuck about the Ghostbusters remake, nor will I be attending the premiere of Bad Moms. That leaves just a scant handful of pics from which to choose, inlcuding...

Lights Out

Directed by: James Wan, a man who is not actually a director per se, but rather a high end Oster 14 speed blender, who regularly stuffs his hollow skull full of fake blood, pancake makeup and film, purees the living fuck out of it and then spits it out and calls it "The Scariest Mutherfucking Splatter of Regurgitated Jumpscares Ever to Smack You in the Face with a Gaudy Splash!" Yeah, fucking James Wan with his goddamned Conjuring's and his stupid Annabelle's and his big, stinky handfuls of Insidious, a clusterfuck of a clown car accident masquerading as a horror franchise.

This time around, lil' Jimmy takes the short film Lights Out by David Sandberg and stretches its original 2 minute runtime into an overblown 2 hours as is his schtick. It looks predictable as hell and about as scary as a lint trap, so yeah - a James Wan film. No thanks.



Don't Breathe

Directed by: That guy who did the Evil Dead remake. Which I hated. Also starring the girl who was in the Evil Dead remake. Which I hated. But at least the premise looks original this time around: three hoodrats desperate to escape their slummy existence, decide to rob a blind man's house in the dead of night. Trouble is, he's a serial killer. Also trouble is, he's booby trapped his entire house and is keeping them sealed inside. And now the remaining cast members must carefully tiptoe their way around the house, with the blind killer right in front of them, trying not to draw attention to themselves with a gasp or a fart or a squeaky floorboard underfoot betraying their whereabouts.



Neon Demon

Directed by: Nicolas Winding Refn, which is the primary reason I am aching to see this film. I love Nicolas Winding Refn. Not a lot of people do, as his films frequently cause a record number of walkouts within 10-20 minutes of their Cannes premieres. I have the vaguest idea of what the film is about and have purposefully not gone around, seeking out spolieriffic reviews or even synopsis heavy write ups. I want to experience it, because much like Gaspar Noe, Nicolas Winding Refn's films are eye orgies.

And then there's the movie that nobody is talking about, because it doesn't exist. Yet. However, I have no doubt that it will be making the art house rounds by early autumn. The plot: simple, yet beautifully intricate: a hammerhead shark, a mako shark and a great white shark are roommates off the coast of New Zealand. There's also an 8,000 year old Megalodon living in the basement who does not attend house meetings. The great white utterly refuses to clean the bones off of the coral reef, and none of them can seem to keep the blood from ruining the furniture. It's called What We Do in the Shallows, and it will be hitting screens this century, along with Air Shark, details of which can be heard on the upcoming 18th episode of Fear Of A Dork Planet. Stay tuned!