Stranger Things Have Happened

On the advice of several friends, I binge-watched the Netflix series Stranger Things last week. My friends seem to be of the opinion that I'm a harsh and unforgiving film reviewer. Huh, wonder where they got that impression from? Anyway, they begged me to keep in mind that it was not only set in the 80s, but was trying to recreate the 80s, determined to look as though it had been filmed in the 80s for 2016. Because I'm not 46 fucking years old and didn't spend ages 10 to 19 - my fragile, formative years - wallowing in the 80s, immersed in the culture because I was the culture. I was the goddamned epitome of Loser in the 80s. If Steven Spielberg directed it, I saw it. If Stephen King wrote it, I read it. Do NOT question my authori-TIE when it comes to the 80s, punk! 

Yeah, I got it. Okay? I got every single subtle reference, happy? I liked it, geez! So you know what? I ain't even gonna review it. I'm just going to shove all of my 80s knowledge right in yo face and rub it in. I'm going to post pics and excerpts and moments from the 80s which found their way into Stranger Things, without comment, because that's how goddamned old cool I am. So read it and learn something, you whippersnapper spoiled kids these days with your CGI and your Hunger Games and your saving the rainforests. Back in my day, we had to walk barefoot through 10 feet of snow, uphill, both ways, to the library to read the books, or to the theater to see the movies, because we couldn't just google the stuff and download the things. And we were thankful! Yeah!

Firestarter

Book: 1980

Film: 1984

Synopsis: A little girl is born to a couple who met during an MKUltra experiment and later married. Now the government wants to use her as a weapon.

“Charlie’s no ordinary second-grader,” Andy said. “Her mother and I were injected with a drug which was coded Lot Six. To this day I don’t know exactly what it was. Some sort of synthetic glandular secretion would be my best guess. It changed the chromosomes of myself and of the lady I later married. We passed those chromosomes on to Charlie, and they mixed in some entirely new way. If she could pass them on to her children, I guess she’d be called a mutant. If for some reason she can’t, or if the change has caused her to be sterile, I guess she’d be called a sport or a mule. Either way, they want her. They want to study her, see if they can figure out what makes her able to do what she can do. And even more, I think they want her as an exhibit. They want to use her to reactivate the Lot Six program.”

“What is it she can do?” Irv asked. 

Andy said softly, “She can light fires.”             

“Well, so can I,” Irv said. He sat down again and was looking at Andy in a peculiar, cautious way. The way you look at people you suspect of madness.

“She can do it simply by thinking about it,” Andy said. “The technical name for it is pyrokinesis. It’s a psi talent, like telepathy, telekinesis, or precognidon—Charlie has a dash of some of those as well, by the way—but pyrokinesis is much rarer ... and much more dangerous. She’s very much afraid of it, and she’s right to be. She can’t always control it. She could burn up your house, your barn, or your front yard if she set her mind to it. Or she could light your pipe.” Andy smiled wanly. “Except that while she was lighting your pipe, she might also burn up your house, your barn, and your front yard.”

IT
Book: 1986
Minseries: 1990
Remake: 2017

"This was her only other chance. It didn't matter; she intended that it be the only one she would need. A clear coldness she never saw again in her life fell over her sight. In it everything stood out & forward; never again would she see the 3 dimensions of reality so clearly defined. She possessed every color, every angle, every distance. Fear departed. She felt the hunter's simple lust of certainty & oncoming consummation. 

Her pulse slowed. The hysterical trembling grip in which she had been holding the Bullseye loosened, then firmed & became natural.

The Werewolf's head was suddenly there, in the wishbone. She covered one of its green eyes with the cup & released. There was no shake in either of her hands; she fired as smoothly & naturally as she had fired at the cans in the dump on the day they had all taken turns to see who was the best."

Monster in the Wall - Stranger Things, 2016

The monster in the wall - A Nightmare on Elm Street, 1984

The Goonies
Film: 1985

"This is ridiculous. It's crazy. I feel like I'm babysitting, except I'm not getting paid."

Stef (Martha Plympton) ~ The Goonies




Barbara: "This is so stupid. I'm just gonna drop you off."

Nancy: "You can be, like, my guardian. All right? Make sure I don't get drunk and do anything stupid."

Barbara: "Ugh." 
Stranger Things, 2016
And once again, the unpopular and less pretty bespectacled girl is babysitting without pay.

E.T. The Extraterrestrial

Film: 1982

Young, preteen boy fakes being sick for his mom so he can stay home and play with the mysterious creature he found in the woods the night before. He shows the creature his toys, in particular his beloved Star Wars action figures. When mom returns home, panicked boy shoves mysterious creature into bedroom closet.

Young, preteen boy fakes being sick for his mom so he can stay home and play with the mysterious girl he found in the woods the night before. He shows the girl his toys, in particular his beloved Star Wars action figures. When mom returns home, panicked boy shoves mysterious girl into bedroom closet.

Later in the film, the boy and his closest friends flee from merciless government agents on their banana seat bikes, frantically wheeling their way through their hometown with their new alien friend in tow. Determined to retrieve the alien and study it, the government agents in hot pursuit, both on foot and in automobiles, somehow fail to catch up with the kids on their bikes.

Later in the show, the boy and his closest friends flee from merciless government agents on their banana seat bikes, frantically wheeling their way through their hometown with their new female friend in tow. Determined to retrieve the girl and study her, the government agents in hot pursuit, both on foot and in automobiles, somehow fail to catch up with the kids on their bikes.

Poltergeist

Film: 1982

In this early 80s horror film, vengeful spirits from a dark dimension rip open a doorway between our worlds for the sole purpose of kidnapping a young girl whose energy they wish to feed off of. The girl is rescued, but at film's climax, she and her brother are again threatened, this time by a doorway which open in the wall of their bedroom, resembling a giant, fleshy mouth with slimy tendrils snaking out of it, seeking purchase to expedite the delivery of the kids to the ghostly dimension.

In this miniseries, a savage monster who lives in a dark dark dimension rips open a doorway between our worlds for the sole purpose of kidnapping anyone who wanders astray. Lured by the smell of blood, the monster pushes through walls in an attempt to force a way into our world. Punching open doors in houses, trees and even thin air, the monster snatches a young boy and a teenage girl in its search for flesh to feast upon. The doorways it opens resemble a giant, fleshy mouth.

The Thing 
Film: 1982

An hour into this sci-fi/horror film, the alien Thing of the title finally reveals itself to our horrified cast when it is caught attempting to absorb the sled dogs. Happened upon in mid-transformation, The Thing turns on the humans in self defense and attempts to attack the nearest flamethrower-wielding man by hurling its head towards him. Its entire head is revealed to be a mouthlike formation which opens like a flower, revealing petals lined with teeth.

 In the climactic moments of Stranger Things, the monster has cornered our human cast in a small classroom. Determined to eat them, the monster approaches and thrusts its head forward, which opens like a flower, its petal lined with teeth.

Aliens
Film: 1986

In the pivotal final moments of this sci-fi/action/horror thriller/whatever, the missing child Newt is shown to still be alive, but trapped in an alien chamber, effectively glued to a wall like an insect about to be eaten by a spider.

In the final episode of Stranger Things, the missing child Will is shown to still be alive, but trapped in the monster's lair, effectively glued to a wall like an insect and kept alive by a weird system of organic looking life support thingamabobs. 

Stranger Things - 2016

The Goonies - 1985

And yeah, I'm sure there's about a thousand other references I either missed completely or just didn't have time to post about today. But hey, I got more than most people.
For I am an 80s Child,
no less than the D&D Dungeon Masters
and the Intergalactic Bounty Hunters.
I have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you.
No doubt the Dorkiverse is unfolding;
As it should.

"And take that down. It's inappropriate."

DecemDumb

Long story short: I've been duped twice this week already. And it's only fucking Tuesday. I posted an article on Sunday about the upcoming film Fury of the Demon, a documentary about a lost film of the same name, one of the 527 films churned out by 19th century magician and filmmaker George Melies. I was pretty sure it was bullshit, mostly because the film is not listed among Melies accomplishments. But I held out hope. I am a Pisces after all. I want to believe. But alas, it turns out that my friends at FilmBizarro already covered this one and revealed that while the documentary (mockumentary) is well done and definitely worth a watch, the "lost film" angle is bullshit. Fury of the Demon does not exist, anymore than La Fin Absolute Du Monde does.

Then, last night, after finishing a long Monday shift at work, I came home to the startling news that TOOL was set to release a brand new, 2.5 hours long masterpiece entitled Decem. I had no reason not to believe that this was anything other than true. They've been due for a new album for, what, like 37 years now? In the 26 years that TOOL has been a thing, they have released exactly 4 albums. Much like Mayhem after the release of Deathcrush, TOOL seemingly lives on reputation alone. They will not confirm nor deny. They refuse to be pinned down and cannot be forced to produce. They will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. Demands for a new TOOL album are met with dismissive "Fuck you's." And yet, those Fuck You's are taken quite well by TOOL fans. They're almost expected. They're very nearly treasured, like little handfuls of golden shit dropped down from the holy ass of the all knowing Buddha in Fuck You Nirvana.

Maynard James Keenan, TOOL lead singer, grape wrangler, life sized kabuki doll, curmudgeonly recluse and The Fucking Man (little buddy) is a sadistic bastard who loves fucking with the heads of his fans. His response to the rumors about the soon-to-maybe-or-maybe-not-be-released studio album was one word: "#dumb"

Now, most people took this typical one word response to mean that Maynard was saying that the rumors were stupid and therefore not to be believed. However, the word "dumb" has various meanings.

#1 - lacking the human power of speech
#2 - not expressed in uttered words
#3 - lacking some usual attribute or accompaniment; especially : having no means of self-propulsion
 #4 - mute, silent, inarticulate
#5 - Act/play dumb (= pretend to be stupid or not to know something).

Maybe that was Maynard's way of saying "no comment." Maybe he was sending a covert message to the poster, telling them to shut up and not wreck the surprise. Or maybe by denying, he's actually confirming, because that's just what he would do, being a sadistic bastard and all. Hard to believe that someone who uses words like Lateralus and Parabola would be satisfied with four letters and a single syllable. But what the fuck do I know? He also has songs entitled Hooker With A Penis and Jerk-Off.

But fuck it. I've already been screwed over once this week and am feeling stupid anyway, so I think I'll just opt for absolute stubborn denial today and decide that the new TOOL album is real, will be coming out soon and will answer all the questions I've ever had about Life, the Universe and Everything. Also, it will be recorded in Smell-O-Vision and will release the sweet scent of honey, cinnamon buns and vanilla extract every time it is played. Also also, Maynard will read this and decide I'm the brilliantist, most articulate TOOL fan in the whole wide world and will give me free concert tickets for life and reserve a permanent guest room for me at his place. Even though I've already lived in Arizona and would frankly rather jam a leafblower up my ass than return, potential beachfront property or no.

This is the alleged track list, according to Some Person on Reddit.
I hate Reddit, but let's play the "This is Real" game for a few.
Take the alleged title of the alleged album: "Decem."
(also, I need a synonym for "alleged" because I'm already tired of typing it.)

"What the fuck is that?"

Disc 1:
1. Abscissa (13:47)
2. The Awakening (12:03)
3. Gematria (Act I) (14:33)
4. Regresolution (13:56)
5. Divinotus (12:45)
6. Astral (Act II) (12:21)

Disc 2:
7. Descending (13:53)
8. Decem (12:22)
9. Lesous (Act III) (12:43)
10. Principles of March (12:01)
11. Pascal’s Wager (13:46)
12. Zeta (Act IV) (14:27)

These all totally look like words that Maynard would use. Don't they? Mathematical, obscure, etc.
The word "Decem" literally means "Ten."
The Roman Numeral for 10 is X.
The first track of the album is Abscissa.
The word "Abscissa" means the number whose absolute value (modulus) is the perpendicular distance of a point from the vertical axis. The word "abscissa" (Latin; "linea abscissa", "a line cut off") has been used at least since De Practica Geometrie published in 1220 by Fibonacci (Leonardo of Pisa), its use in its modern sense may be due to Venetian mathematician Stefano degli Angeli in his work Miscellaneum Hyperbolicum, et Parabolicum of 1659. It can also refer to the horizontal or "X" axis.

(I have no idea what any of that means because I suck at math. Maynard James Keenan, however, is a math whiz. I also highlighted Fibonacci because Lateralus, and Parabolicum because DUH)

This proves nothing and is totally meaningless!

The word Gematria is defined as a system of alphanumeric codes later adopted into Jewish culture that assign numerical value to a word/name/phrase in the belief that words or phrases with identical numerical values bear some relation to each other or bear some relation to the number itself as it may apply to Nature, a person's age, the calendar year, or the like.

(Again, ALL THE MATHS!)

The word Lesous is not a word, but rather a name. Is could either be Zeus, or Jesus, or both.

Pascal's Wager. Here, I found a cartoon!

I have no idea what the fuck any of this means.
This article is totally pointless.
I just want a new TOOL album, is that so wrong?
And although there is no pre-order option for "Decem" on iTunes (yet) still I choose to believe.
Because I'm a stupid, belligerent fucker.
Goddammit. 

La Fin Absolute Du Monde

"Something happens when you point the camera at something terrible. The resulting film takes on power. What if you got hold of an angel? A Divine Being with the blood of God flowing through its veins?

And what if you sacrificed it... on camera?"

Cigarette Burns ~ Masters Of Horror, Season 1: Episode 8
John Carpenter

<--- Wait, there's a "Black Edition/Uncut Version" of Cigarette Burns? How have I not seen it yet? My god, I am old and uncool.


I was a fan of the series Masters Of Horror which premiered in 2005 and ran for two seasons. And I say "fan" in the most reluctant way possible. There were perhaps three or four episodes that I thought were pretty good. The majority of them were total shit. Only one episode, in my humble opinion, was utterly flawless and that was the aforementioned Cigarette Burns, directed by John "The Thing" Carpenter and starring Udo Kier and a mostly then-unknown actor named Norman Reedus, who would go on to become the most famous motorcycle ridin', crossbow-slingin', zombie-killin' virgin in the whole post-apocalyptic world.

The basic premise of the 58 minute long film is this: there exists, somewhere in the darkest, dankest corner of the world, a film so thoroughly evil that it forcibly drives anyone who watches it into the deepest pit of the most violent insanity imaginable. Rumored to have been destroyed decades earlier, Norm is hired by a reclusive and filthy rich sadist to track down the last existing copy, the existence of which is verified by an enslaved and wingless Angel who was one of the reluctant and much tortured stars of the film. Norm's search takes him into the tar-black ugliness of the world's most sadistic and immoral predators, and the call of the film itself - much like Sauron's Ring, desperately wanting to be found - hounds Norm with ghosts of sorrow, guilt and regret from his own dismal past.

When the episode initially aired, it was a hot topic among my horror loving friends, all of whom were in agreement that it was A+ beautiful horror boasting a solid story about an intangible subject. The premise blew the minds of many a viewer. What a great idea! What an original concept! A slice of celluloid so soaked in evil that it drives the viewer mad! Brilliant!

But not entirely as original as one might think.

The Rite Of Spring 

A ballet. The very word "ballet" conjures innocent enough images: sparkly white tutus, guys with bulgy crotches, Natalie Portman banging Mila Kunis, etc. But in the early 1900s, Russian composer Igor Stravinsky penned a ballet so primal, so fraught with savage pagan imagery, that it sparked a riot at its own debut, whipping the audience into a frenzy of madness with its unapologetic descent into the very depths of the animal genesis of our souls.

Allegedly.

More likely, the ballet was just considered so weird and downright primitive that audience members, repulsed and still 100 years away from owning cellphones, stood up and started complaining loudly about the lack of loveliness they had grown accustomed to. Other audience members stood up and told the naysayers to shut the fuck up and sit down, a shouting match ensued, punches were thrown, and all of their descendents would turn into raging Packers fans in another 40 years.

Well, here...read for yourself how it all went down:

Stravinsky debuted the The Rite of Spring Ballet at the Théâtre des Champs-Élysées in Paris on May 29, 1913, to an audience accustomed to the grace, elegance, and the traditional music of "conventional" ballets, i.e. Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. Opposition to Stravinsky's work literally happened within the first few minutes of the piece as members of the audience booed loudly in response to the inharmonic notes accompanying the unrecognizable bassoon's opening solo.  What's more, the work's unconventional music, sharp and unnatural choreography (dancers danced with bent arms and legs and would land on the floor so hard their internal organs would shake), and Russian pagan setting, failed to win over the majority of the audience.  It should hardly come as a surprise given the ballet's thematic content. The ballet's title and subtitle alone, hints that something darker lurks behind the velvet theatre curtains: The Rite of Spring: Picture of Pagan Russia in Two Parts.  The story centers around ancient Russian tribes and their celebration of Spring. They then offer a sacrifice to their gods, choosing a young girl whom is forced to dance to death.

The King In Yellow

Technically, The King In Yellow does not exist. It is indeed the title of a collection of short stories written by Robert W. Chambers in 1895, one of which - entitled The Yellow Sign - talks about the influence of a two act play upon anyone unfortunate enough to read it straight through. The play, called The King In Yellow, has been outlawed by most of the civilized world, but copies of the wretched book manage to manifest themselves in the personal libraries of tormented artists, calling to them like a leatherbound banshee. Anyone who opens the book cannot help but read, and anyone who makes it to Act II is doomed. The play itself seems to be about an alien world ruled by a kingdom corrupt with power, into which walks a masked deity called The King In Yellow, who much like Poe's Red Death, brings ruin to Carcosa as only a decaying Messiah can: with madness and black stars and interdimensional horror. The King In Yellow was one of the primary inspirations for Lovecraft's starry voids full of indifferent tentacled gods who spread cosmic insanity the way a snotty second grader spreads the common cold with their grubby little fingers smearing germs all over everything.

He mentioned the establishment of the Dynasty in Carcosa, the lakes which connected Hastur, Aldebaran and the mystery of the Hyades. He spoke of Cassilda and Camilla, and sounded the cloudy depths of Demhe, and the Lake of Hali. "The scolloped tatters of the King in Yellow must hide Yhtill forever", he muttered, but I do not believe Vance heard him. Then by degrees he led Vance along the ramifications of the Imperial family, to Uoht and Thale, from Naotalba and Phantom of Truth, to Aldones, and then tossing aside his manuscript and notes, he began the wonderful story of the Last King.

The Repairer of Reputations ~ The King In Yellow, Robert W. Chambers.

Gloomy Sunday
aka The Hungarian Suicide Song

Originally written as a response to the devastation of war, Gloomy Sunday was reworked as a dirge for a dead lover, penned by the partner who fully intends to commit suicide by songs end. Written in the 1930's, it gained popularity throughout the 40s and was banned from radio play after allegedly inspiring no less than 19 documented suicides.

"It is not that the song is sad, there is a sort of terrible compelling despair about it. I don't think it would do anyone any good to hear a song like that." ~an unknown publisher

The most famous version of the song was recorded by Billie Holiday in 1941. Forlorn and mournful, it was banned by the BBC for damaging wartime morale, despite a new, tacked on ending which reveals the despair to have been a bad dream and talks about the author waking to find their love still alive and well and the world a happy place once more. Barf. While I love Billie Holiday and think her sweet, sorrowful whippoorwill voice is perfectly suited for the ballad (as well as for my personal favorite song "Strange Fruit) prefer the nihilistic version and the lyrics penned by Desmond Carter:

Sadly one Sunday I waited and waited
With flowers in my arms for the dream I'd created
I waited 'til dreams, like my heart, were all broken
The flowers were all dead and the words were unspoken
The grief that I knew was beyond all consoling
The beat of my heart was a bell that was tolling

Saddest of Sundays

Then came a Sunday when you came to find me
They bore me to church and I left you behind me
My eyes could not see one I wanted to love me
The earth and the flowers are forever above me
The bell tolled for me and the wind whispered, "Never!"
But you I have loved and I bless you forever

Last of all Sundays

Return To Babylon

I haven't seen this one yet. Not sure why, it's just one of those things I haven't gotten around to. And to be fair, it's not rumored to drive anyone who watches it insane. However, the film itself is believed to be haunted, its every frame occupied by the sad spirits of departed stars whose names have been all but forgotten and whose films have long since crumbled into obscurity. Until someone supposedly found 19 rolls of 16mm film conveniently sitting on a sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard, free for the taking. Released in 2013, the black and white silent film casts modern actors and actresses portraying the stars of the late 19th and early 20th century.

But something weird happened when the film was played: faces morphed into demonic death masks, features elongating and twisting into grotesque mockeries of humanity. Cast and crew reported feeling "odd" on the set, as if being watched, touched and/or influenced by unseen forces, perhaps haunted by the memories of the very actors whose skins they had stepped into. Was it double exposure, common matrixing, or had those mysterious reels been left out on purpose by Hollywood Herself, a celluloid coffin for its forgotten ghosts?

Fury of the Demon

And now, here comes a film even I have never heard of. Well, technically, it's already come and gone. Much like the fictitious La Fin Absolute Du Monde from Cigarette Burns, this film was released in the closing years of the 1800s, shown once and then disappeared. Rumors surrounding its one and only viewing are hideous: madness, violence, blood and rage. The audience supposedly tore themselves to pieces in a fit of Satanic savagery inspired by the film itself.

In 1939, the film unexpectedly resurfaced and was screened for a second time. The result: six people dead as the result of a fire which broke out in the theater. Witnesses insist that before the fire started, the audience again went absolutely bonko batshit, descending into an orgy of torn flesh, ripped scalps and blood splatter.

In 2012, an extremely rare print of the film was apparently screened for a small group of industry VIPs. Now having spanned three centuries, the third screening yielded no different results and the small select audience broke out in a violent rage, beating each other senseless. And, for the third time, the film disappeared and remains missing.

This final, disastrous (and utterly unprovable) screening is the subject of a new documentary entitled La Rage Du Demon (Fury of the Demon) which is also the title of the 1897 film, rumored to have been created by legendary director/magician George Melies. The film is not listed among Melies' 527 known works and its existence cannot be substantiated. Does it really exist? Did it ever? Or is this just a clever marketing ploy for a mockumentary in the vein of The Blair Witch Project? Either way, I definitely have to see it.

The Evil Equinox

Honey I blew up the cabin.

Equinox - 1970

Once upon a time, in the faraway land of 1970 to approximately 1974, some guy decided to make a movie and cast Herbert R. Tarlek (Chairman) in one of the roles. The director also decided to cast himself in the role of the evil forest ranger/demon. The film was called Equinox even though it never says it's taking place on the equinox, either summer of autumn. It's very sunny out, so I guess it could be summer, but it's California so who knows? Anywho, the film seems to be about four 21 year olds who slip into another dimension and become 37 year olds over the course of a single afternoon. Also, despite the fact that Herbert R. Tarlek (Chairman) is wearing white dress slacks and spends an inordinate amount of time running up mountains, falling over cliffs, splashing through rivers, bumbling through caves and scrabbling in the dirt, his pants remain spotlessly - almost obnoxiously - sparklingly white. Thank heavens for Tide.

Anyway, our middle aged teenagers decide it would be a neato idea to drop in on Old Professer Waterman, who lives in a remote cabin in the mountains and dabbles in the mysteries of the occult in his spare time.

Meanwhile...

Trick or Treat for human skin.

The Evil Dead - 1979

Once upon another time, in 1979 to roughly 1983 or so, some other guy decided to make a movie and cast his buddy and his buddy's chin in one of the roles. The director also decided to cast himself in the role of dimwitted, inbred fishermen on the side of the road who can go to hell. The film was called The Evil Dead even though none of the characters are actually dead when they initially become evil. Anywho, the film is about four 21 year olds who decide it would be a good idea to celebrate Spring Break in the middle of winter by driving from Michigan down to Western Bumblefuck, South Carolina and spending a long weekend in a broken down outhouse shack owned by Old Professor Knowby who once lived in the remote cabin in the mountains and who dabbled in the occult in his spare time.

Back at the Spahn Ranch...

Dorky Recorder is Dorky, hur hur!

In a brief prologue, we meet Dave, sole survivor of the Equinox Picnic Tragedy - not to be confused with the Hanging Rock Picnic Tragedy - now a full time resident at Dr. ElectroShock's Mattress Paneled Loony Bin. A reporter suffering through a slow news week (guess The Zodiac Killer and Charles Manson's Family just weren't hip enough for this guy) decides to drop in on Dave and interview him, hoping that the clinically depressed, shellshocked and borderline catatonic dude will give him the salacious inside scoop on just what happened That Day exactly one year and one day ago. He sets up his Cassette Recorderus Rex, hits [REC] and starts poking poor Dave with a proverbial stick.

Dave finally spills the story about That Fateful Day when the gang - who clearly do not believe in either bears or mountain lions - stupidly wandered into a big ol' cave and happened upon a human skeleton and a scrawny, cackling hermit - henceforth to be known as Crusty McTorgoFart, even though this will probably be the only time he's mentioned because he disappears after this point -  who hands Dave a bigass hefty scrapbook and insists he take it. Which Dave stupidly does.


Back at the Future...

Ash, Scott, Ash's sister Cheryl, Ash's girlfriend Linda and Scott's girlfriend (whose character name I can never remember, I just always think of her as Screamy Demon Girl who Shows Her Boobs at one point) gather 'round the dinner table to toast with empty cups and feast upon a blenderful of blood slush. But before they can partake of their crappy repast, they are interrupted by Slammy McTrapdoor, who summons them all into the living room posthaste. Instead of wondering how the fuck the heavy duty chain and padlock got loose and opened by itself, Scott descends into the spidery darkness and promptly starts being a colossal dick, forcing Ash to follow him.

The guys find some pretty cool stuff down there: hollow dangly gourds, a The Hills Have Eyes poster, a gun, a dagger, a bigass hefty scrapbook and the immense, fossilized remains of an actual Cassette Recorderus Rex. They lug all of the shit upstairs and - because internet porn had not been invented yet, primarily because the internet hadn't been invented yet - they decide to hit PLAY on the tape deck, hoping for some Nazareth or Bad Company. Unfortunately, they get the dry voice of Old Professor Knowby, speaking Sumerian demon incantations.

SHELLY! That was the name of Scott's girlfriend!

Rewind...

Dave, his blind date/new girlfriend Susan, Herbert R. Tarlek (Chairman) and his girlfriend Vicky decide to recover from their shock of the cave by thumbing through the massively huge book that Crusty McTorgoFart (yay! I found an excuse to use his name again!) forced upon them, the way Macy's employees force you to sample the latest skunky concoction of dead flowers, stale cookies and starlet pee every time you walk through the fucking doors. Lo and behold, the book is filled with weird symbols, scary pictures and gruesome incantations.


Fast Forward

Ash has already started flipping through the icky book he found in the basement and returns to it periodically, like the copy of Redbook from 1982 that you always leaf through at the dentist, because they'll never throw it away and it's better than the latest issue of Gum Disease Weekly or Your Halitosis & You. On the other hand, you now know how to give yourself a breast exam, tighten your abs and please your man in bed. Anyway, lo and behold, the book is filled with weird symbols, scary pictures and gruesome incantations.

Earlier That Decade...

Somehow, the quiet, reserved and somewhat spooky Susan, whose hair literally grows about eighteen inches between frames and changes style often without her ever touching it, has wound up alone and unattended, i.e. unprotected by men and vulnerable to sexual attacks. Cue Deputy Asmodeus - whose name really is Deputy fucking Asmodeus and nobody seems to think this is odd - emerges from the treeline and makes straight for Susie, his face contorting into a hideous mockery of a Puckerup Buttercup. He doesn't look evil so much as he looks like he's having a stroke and trying not to laugh at the same time. He awkwardly starts groping and kissing Susan and seems well on his way to second base when Susan's crucifix suddenly slips out of her pocket and splashes a bucket of ice water all over his demonic erection.

Later That Night...

Ash's arty sister Cheryl who is quiet, reserved and somewhat spooky, has wound up alone and unattended, i.e. unprotected by men and vulnerable to sexual attacks. Hearing a sinister voice from within the woods, she wanders outside in her flimsy nightgown and totally inadequate robe, trying to engage the disembodied voice in conversation. Of course, she ends up getting attacked by an amorous tree who wastes no time on foreplay, just rams a branch up her chimney, undoubtedly leaving labial splinters behind.

Nine Years Earlier...

Susan becomes possessed. You can totally tell because she starts contorting her face like Deputy Demon did. Or maybe she just has a piece of chicken stuck in her back molars. Also, her right eye is being seriously burdened by an excess of eyelash glue. All of this makes Susie a little bitchy, so she sneaks up behind Vicky and starts throttling the shit out of her. Can't really blame her because Vicky is pretty annoying. Her murderous rage is interrupted by Dave, who brandishes a friendship bracelet at her. Repulsed by its tackiness, Susan recoils, becomes unpossessed and calms her tits.


Nine (or 12) Years Later...

Cheryl becomes possessed. Fortunately, she had a much better makeup artist and doesn't look afflicted by a mild attack of gas. She looks fucking horrifying. She doesn't try to strangle anyone, even though both Linda and Shelly are every bit as annoying as Vicky. She full on starts levitating and talking fluent Bass Legion, basically being a buzz kill and a party pooper, as usual. After falling to the floor and luring Linda in with the old "It's Okay I'm Dead and Won't Pop Back Up and Hurt You" routine, Cheryl grabs a number 2 pencil and rams it into Linda's Achilles heel, smiling all the while.

Out West...

Shit gets hardcore real. The menopausal teens get attacked by a giant, another giant, and finally this dude, who mauls Vicky to death, tries to take off with Susan but drops her, tries to attack both Susan and Dave but slams headfirst into a stone cross by accident and then somehow causes the entire cemetery to explode for some reason, killing Susan and promising Dave that he will die in exactly one year and one day. Dave goes total spazmo shitmonkey insane and takes off down the highway, screaming back into civilization.


Down South...

Look, shut up, I know this is from Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn, but come on! How could I possibly resist the similarities? It's a flying fucking demon! You're lucky this is all I did, because I briefly entertained posting screen shots of both the Equinox Invisible Castle and the Castle of Jack Shit that Ash gets dumped in front of at the end of Evil Dead 2. I decided to just go with the demon because the castles seemed a bit of a stretch.

Prologue...

Dave takes comfort in Susan's necklace, the only thing that keeps the demons at bay. Until it gets taken away from him and the demons make good on their promise, showing up in the form of a possessed Susan who is so totally going to kill his ass.

Anyone notice the skull shape that the chain has taken?

Plot Point...

Ash takes back the necklace he had given to Linda, because she's dead now and doesn't need it, and uses it to save his ass in the final moments before dawn. But the demons aren't done with him and daylight be fucked.




The End.

?

PS - to the tiny Tumblr Bunny who felt the need to correct me without first reading the article in its entirety - or, indeed, at all...