The Evil Equinox

Honey I blew up the cabin.

Equinox - 1970

Once upon a time, in the faraway land of 1970 to approximately 1974, some guy decided to make a movie and cast Herbert R. Tarlek (Chairman) in one of the roles. The director also decided to cast himself in the role of the evil forest ranger/demon. The film was called Equinox even though it never says it's taking place on the equinox, either summer of autumn. It's very sunny out, so I guess it could be summer, but it's California so who knows? Anywho, the film seems to be about four 21 year olds who slip into another dimension and become 37 year olds over the course of a single afternoon. Also, despite the fact that Herbert R. Tarlek (Chairman) is wearing white dress slacks and spends an inordinate amount of time running up mountains, falling over cliffs, splashing through rivers, bumbling through caves and scrabbling in the dirt, his pants remain spotlessly - almost obnoxiously - sparklingly white. Thank heavens for Tide.

Anyway, our middle aged teenagers decide it would be a neato idea to drop in on Old Professer Waterman, who lives in a remote cabin in the mountains and dabbles in the mysteries of the occult in his spare time.

Meanwhile...

Trick or Treat for human skin.

The Evil Dead - 1979

Once upon another time, in 1979 to roughly 1983 or so, some other guy decided to make a movie and cast his buddy and his buddy's chin in one of the roles. The director also decided to cast himself in the role of dimwitted, inbred fishermen on the side of the road who can go to hell. The film was called The Evil Dead even though none of the characters are actually dead when they initially become evil. Anywho, the film is about four 21 year olds who decide it would be a good idea to celebrate Spring Break in the middle of winter by driving from Michigan down to Western Bumblefuck, South Carolina and spending a long weekend in a broken down outhouse shack owned by Old Professor Knowby who once lived in the remote cabin in the mountains and who dabbled in the occult in his spare time.

Back at the Spahn Ranch...

Dorky Recorder is Dorky, hur hur!

In a brief prologue, we meet Dave, sole survivor of the Equinox Picnic Tragedy - not to be confused with the Hanging Rock Picnic Tragedy - now a full time resident at Dr. ElectroShock's Mattress Paneled Loony Bin. A reporter suffering through a slow news week (guess The Zodiac Killer and Charles Manson's Family just weren't hip enough for this guy) decides to drop in on Dave and interview him, hoping that the clinically depressed, shellshocked and borderline catatonic dude will give him the salacious inside scoop on just what happened That Day exactly one year and one day ago. He sets up his Cassette Recorderus Rex, hits [REC] and starts poking poor Dave with a proverbial stick.

Dave finally spills the story about That Fateful Day when the gang - who clearly do not believe in either bears or mountain lions - stupidly wandered into a big ol' cave and happened upon a human skeleton and a scrawny, cackling hermit - henceforth to be known as Crusty McTorgoFart, even though this will probably be the only time he's mentioned because he disappears after this point -  who hands Dave a bigass hefty scrapbook and insists he take it. Which Dave stupidly does.


Back at the Future...

Ash, Scott, Ash's sister Cheryl, Ash's girlfriend Linda and Scott's girlfriend (whose character name I can never remember, I just always think of her as Screamy Demon Girl who Shows Her Boobs at one point) gather 'round the dinner table to toast with empty cups and feast upon a blenderful of blood slush. But before they can partake of their crappy repast, they are interrupted by Slammy McTrapdoor, who summons them all into the living room posthaste. Instead of wondering how the fuck the heavy duty chain and padlock got loose and opened by itself, Scott descends into the spidery darkness and promptly starts being a colossal dick, forcing Ash to follow him.

The guys find some pretty cool stuff down there: hollow dangly gourds, a The Hills Have Eyes poster, a gun, a dagger, a bigass hefty scrapbook and the immense, fossilized remains of an actual Cassette Recorderus Rex. They lug all of the shit upstairs and - because internet porn had not been invented yet, primarily because the internet hadn't been invented yet - they decide to hit PLAY on the tape deck, hoping for some Nazareth or Bad Company. Unfortunately, they get the dry voice of Old Professor Knowby, speaking Sumerian demon incantations.

SHELLY! That was the name of Scott's girlfriend!

Rewind...

Dave, his blind date/new girlfriend Susan, Herbert R. Tarlek (Chairman) and his girlfriend Vicky decide to recover from their shock of the cave by thumbing through the massively huge book that Crusty McTorgoFart (yay! I found an excuse to use his name again!) forced upon them, the way Macy's employees force you to sample the latest skunky concoction of dead flowers, stale cookies and starlet pee every time you walk through the fucking doors. Lo and behold, the book is filled with weird symbols, scary pictures and gruesome incantations.


Fast Forward

Ash has already started flipping through the icky book he found in the basement and returns to it periodically, like the copy of Redbook from 1982 that you always leaf through at the dentist, because they'll never throw it away and it's better than the latest issue of Gum Disease Weekly or Your Halitosis & You. On the other hand, you now know how to give yourself a breast exam, tighten your abs and please your man in bed. Anyway, lo and behold, the book is filled with weird symbols, scary pictures and gruesome incantations.

Earlier That Decade...

Somehow, the quiet, reserved and somewhat spooky Susan, whose hair literally grows about eighteen inches between frames and changes style often without her ever touching it, has wound up alone and unattended, i.e. unprotected by men and vulnerable to sexual attacks. Cue Deputy Asmodeus - whose name really is Deputy fucking Asmodeus and nobody seems to think this is odd - emerges from the treeline and makes straight for Susie, his face contorting into a hideous mockery of a Puckerup Buttercup. He doesn't look evil so much as he looks like he's having a stroke and trying not to laugh at the same time. He awkwardly starts groping and kissing Susan and seems well on his way to second base when Susan's crucifix suddenly slips out of her pocket and splashes a bucket of ice water all over his demonic erection.

Later That Night...

Ash's arty sister Cheryl who is quiet, reserved and somewhat spooky, has wound up alone and unattended, i.e. unprotected by men and vulnerable to sexual attacks. Hearing a sinister voice from within the woods, she wanders outside in her flimsy nightgown and totally inadequate robe, trying to engage the disembodied voice in conversation. Of course, she ends up getting attacked by an amorous tree who wastes no time on foreplay, just rams a branch up her chimney, undoubtedly leaving labial splinters behind.

Nine Years Earlier...

Susan becomes possessed. You can totally tell because she starts contorting her face like Deputy Demon did. Or maybe she just has a piece of chicken stuck in her back molars. Also, her right eye is being seriously burdened by an excess of eyelash glue. All of this makes Susie a little bitchy, so she sneaks up behind Vicky and starts throttling the shit out of her. Can't really blame her because Vicky is pretty annoying. Her murderous rage is interrupted by Dave, who brandishes a friendship bracelet at her. Repulsed by its tackiness, Susan recoils, becomes unpossessed and calms her tits.


Nine (or 12) Years Later...

Cheryl becomes possessed. Fortunately, she had a much better makeup artist and doesn't look afflicted by a mild attack of gas. She looks fucking horrifying. She doesn't try to strangle anyone, even though both Linda and Shelly are every bit as annoying as Vicky. She full on starts levitating and talking fluent Bass Legion, basically being a buzz kill and a party pooper, as usual. After falling to the floor and luring Linda in with the old "It's Okay I'm Dead and Won't Pop Back Up and Hurt You" routine, Cheryl grabs a number 2 pencil and rams it into Linda's Achilles heel, smiling all the while.

Out West...

Shit gets hardcore real. The menopausal teens get attacked by a giant, another giant, and finally this dude, who mauls Vicky to death, tries to take off with Susan but drops her, tries to attack both Susan and Dave but slams headfirst into a stone cross by accident and then somehow causes the entire cemetery to explode for some reason, killing Susan and promising Dave that he will die in exactly one year and one day. Dave goes total spazmo shitmonkey insane and takes off down the highway, screaming back into civilization.


Down South...

Look, shut up, I know this is from Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn, but come on! How could I possibly resist the similarities? It's a flying fucking demon! You're lucky this is all I did, because I briefly entertained posting screen shots of both the Equinox Invisible Castle and the Castle of Jack Shit that Ash gets dumped in front of at the end of Evil Dead 2. I decided to just go with the demon because the castles seemed a bit of a stretch.

Prologue...

Dave takes comfort in Susan's necklace, the only thing that keeps the demons at bay. Until it gets taken away from him and the demons make good on their promise, showing up in the form of a possessed Susan who is so totally going to kill his ass.

Anyone notice the skull shape that the chain has taken?

Plot Point...

Ash takes back the necklace he had given to Linda, because she's dead now and doesn't need it, and uses it to save his ass in the final moments before dawn. But the demons aren't done with him and daylight be fucked.




The End.

?

PS - to the tiny Tumblr Bunny who felt the need to correct me without first reading the article in its entirety - or, indeed, at all...