Anarchy at the YMCA

Legendary horror movie expert and Gummy Coke Bottle pin-up Queen Annie Riordan is exclusively interviewed for the 2016 Fall edition of Hellth & Prententious Twattery by hardcore journalist Lilywyte Rusticunt. Ms. Riordan opens up and spills her diet and exercise master secrets, and shares with us her advice to staying young, fit and trim forever, even post mortem!

LR: Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak with us, Annie.

AR: Yeah, the burden of being morally superior to everyone on the face of the earth is burdenous indeed. But if I can help even one person think for one second that they could possibly surpass even me in magnificence in this lifetime...oh wait, that's not going to happen. And by the way, it's MIZZ Riordan, got that you plebeian puke?

LR: So, judging by the smell, I assume you've just returned from the gym?

AR: Yes, my personal colon caretaker recommends three spoiled bologna and rancid mayonnaise sandwiches one half hour before the workout commences. The festering meat will cleanse the colon, whilst the runny mayonnaise soothes it as it exits, providing an inner lube job which will leave your colon feeling soft as butter and velvety smooth to the touch. Plus - bonus points! -- the stench released from your pores will guarantee you privacy in the locker room and your choice of treadmills!

LR: It truly is appalling.

AR: Thank you! I also highly recommend pouring a thin layer of cod liver oil into your sneakers after every workout. It preserves the lining and conditions the soles of your feet as you workout. No more pesky callouses, just the ripe stench of an abandoned wharf in high summer.

LR: Thank you for clarifying. I assumed the fishy smell was coming from your vagina.

AR: As if I'd neglect such a critical orifice in my daily cleansing rituals.

LR: Oh, are you a member of Paltrow's Percolating Pussy remedy?

AR: Absolutely not! I sandblast mine. And in the winter, when sand is in short supply, I find that a leafblower works just as well.

LR: So do you have a strict workout regime?

AR: Oh yes. If there's one thing I can agree with The Paltrow on, it's that there is absolutely no excuse for not getting and staying in shape. Even the busiest woman can and absolutely should do it. So I quit my job and spend my entire day working out.

LR: But how do you pay your rent and buy groceries?

AR: I don't! I sleep in a dumpster. The rusty metal is an excellent exfoliant, it's like sleeping on pumice! And you wake up with a new epidermis every day. As for groceries, ugh. As if I'd be caught dead eating food.

LR: What are your dietary restrictions?

AR: I never eat shellfish, or red meat, or white meat, or eggs, or corn, or gluten, or rice, or bread, or coffee. I've also recently eliminated all sugars, alcohol, starch, flour, salt, pepper, basil, cardamom, parsley. Ugh, fruits are gross. They grow on trees right out in the open for anyone to touch! Vegetables are even worse, buried in the ground all their lives until they're yanked out like aborted babies. Water? Gross! People bathe in that! You want me to drink your bath water?

LR: So what do you eat?

AR: Foam insulation provides the illusion of fullness, while licking the bark of greenhouse cultivated birch trees adds a much needed pop of flavor. Also, not many people are aware of the amount of protein to be found in a single used tampon!

LR: Can you recommend your diet regime to everyone, or just a select few?

AR: I recommend it to everyone, and when they find fault with it, it simply reassures me of my own moral superiority. I mean, anyone can be a Vegan. It's not exclusive enough anymore. It's gotten to the point where anyone - even the unemployed! - can brag about being a Vegan. But the simple truth of the matter is that Vegans are far too plentiful to be better than everyone else now. You've got to be more obnoxiously selective and restrictive. Why stop at saving animals? Plants are living creatures too!

LR: So are you pro-life then?

AR: Oh hell no, babies are the ultimate moochers, always crying about their helplessness and expecting everyone around them to drop what they're doing and attend to their needs. I get pregnant at least once a week, as the hormones released by a fetus make my skin silky smooth and radiant. But I abort those little fuckers right away. The unused placenta in your womb has more nutrients than a box of granola bars! It also makes an excellent sandwich spread.

LR: I thought you exclusively used rancid mayonnaise?

AR: Bitch, that was five minutes ago. Try and keep up with the current trends here.