Gregorian Pants

Challenge accepted...sort of.

You see, I cannot possibly be married in the morning, therefore I have written an article on actors and fictional characters named Greg/Gregor/Gregory which includes Mr. Peck but isn't specifically about him. In doing so, I hope to postpone our nuptials for at least another week and simultaneously assert my equality in this relationship. I write what I want, it's my hot blog, baby.


Greg Stillson - The Dead Zone

"I can't believe I'm not in Saigon."

David Cronenberg saw the future of horror and realized it was Donald Trump. In this biopic, Trump - here known as Greg Stillson and here played by Martin Sheen (presumably because son Charlie Sheen was still honing his scumbaggery at age seventeen) - begins his savage ascent up the Republican ladder in a psychopathic bid to build a gigantic, solid gold penis-shaped shrine to his own ego and spend eternity jerking it off all over America. Determined to stop him is Christopher Walken and a rifle, which despite my liberal stance I am 100% in support of. I also have no objections to anyone owning a handgun...especially if they're Republican. Please, go ahead and buy one. Do it. Do it now. You know you wanna. Suck on that tiny little barrel, baby.


Gregory Anton - Gaslight

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perception and sanity. The term comes from this film, starring Charles Boyer as Gregory Anton, a sociopathic bastard whose cocky eyebrow and permanently flared nostrils suggest that he has had an onion surgically implanted in his upper lip. Gregory has married fragile Ingrid Bergman and immediately begins a sadistic campaign of psychological abuse, planting a doubt here and a suspicion there, driving the already insecure girl into a full blown mental breakdown, all in an insidious effort to steal her Auntie's jewels out from under her very nose.

Gregory Bate - Ghost Story

Who the hell is this guy? Well, that depends on whether you're watching the film or reading the book. In the film, Greg seems to be little more than a squatter escaped from an asylum, doing the bidding of the undead Alma/Eva who has promised him immortality in exchange for his services. In the book...well, it's been twenty years or so since I last read the book, but IIRC Greg is already immortal and has some sort of super powers to boot. He's kinda like a Renfield, both paving the way for and protecting his Master, who in this case is a soggy bitch who was a slutty shrew in life and a total spiteful cunt in death. Either way, he doesn't come to a good end. Pretty sure he gets killed in both the film and the book, but you'll have to double check me on that.

Gregor Clegane - Game Of Thrones

See that guy to the left, the one who looks like a bulldozer carved out of ham? Yeah, that's Sir Gregor of House Clegane, grill master of his little brother Sandor's face, slaughterer of the kid sister, champion piss-taker of Queen Cersei, smasher of skulls, spiller of guts, aka The Mountain. Because he's big, get it? REALLY big. Huge, in fact. Big, bulging oily skinbag full of muscles. So far, it's been established that Gregor is a killing machine. And when he's not killing, he's raping. And when he's not raping, he's looking for something to kill. Or rape to death. He's also been returned from the dead, Frankenstein style, for the sole purpose of fighting Cersei's battles for her. But now that Cersei has killed everyone, all that's left for Gregor to do is get killed by his brother Sandor. It is known.

And now, finally...
My three personal favorite roles by Gregory Peck.

Spellbound

Amnesiac nutso Gregory falls madly in love with Ingrid Bergman, key word being "madly" here. And why is Ingrid such a whackjob magnet? Anyway, he thinks he's the head of a mental clinic named Anthony, but he's actually some guy named John who may have murdered someone on a ski slope, but he can't really remember for sure because Amnesia. So Ingrid turns super Swedish sleuth and unravels the symbolic Dali paintings of Greg's dreams, untangles the mystery surrounding the murder of Greg's predecessor and cures Greg of any and all childhood traumas, amnesia and/or psychotic tendencies forever and ever. Amen.

Moby Dick

This is my favorite Gregory Peck film ever, and my favorite film version of Moby Dick. Years before Quint went all whackjabby after a great white shark in 70s Speilberg land, Gregory Peck was Captain Ahab, he of the wooden leg and the lightening scarred face and the fierce grudge-on for a behemoth white whale called Moby Dick. You see, Moby is the whale who snapped Ahab's drumstick off and used it for a toothpick one fine day, and Ahab has made it his life's purpose to hunt the white whale down and kill him for the insult, and he really doesn't give a shit if it kills him and every single man aboard his ship. From hells heart, he stabs that fucker.

The Omen

Ambassador Thorn's greatest strength is his genuine love for his wife, Kathy. Unfortunately, it's also his greatest weakness. When his wife gives birth to a stillborn son, Greg decides to spare her the sorrow and substitutes an orphan, birthed in the same hospital that same night. Double unfortunately, the kid's mother was a jackal and his father was Satan. Little Damien Thorn is a Hellion, literally! And with the assistance of a scary looking governess and a bigass dog, he starts killing everyone who might try to stop his rise to power in their world of politics. He's only 6 though, so it's up to the power of Satan to intervene most of the time, killing with iron rods, sheets of glass and packs of feral dogs. Greg mostly gets stuck with the tantrums.

Okay Greg, I wrote the article, now you set the date.