 |
| STOP MAKING MOVIES, YOU PIMP FUCK! |
Seriously. Fuck you. You are everything that is wrong with the horror genre. Because you're not making horror, you're making shit and
calling it horror and giving a big middle finger to any semblance of art that the genre had in the process. You are a spastic fingerpainting smacked in the middle of a Van Gogh display. You knew the young and easily influenced wouldn't notice the difference. You banked on it. You told horror fans that you were making horror. Not only that, you made them believe that you were making
good horror, had
redefined horror for the 21st century and were, in fact, a
master horror filmmaker. And for the fucking life of me, I cannot figure out how you managed to dupe so many into thinking you are so great. Are people that dumb, or are you just a really clever and manipulative marketer? Or both?
 |
| Antique toys are scary, right? |
Because I've seen your movies.
All of them thus far. Notice I didn't say that I'd
paid to see any of them on the big screen. No, your movies are like zits: they show up in my face every so often, and of course I can't leave them alone. I just have to start poking at them, both fascinated and repelled, knowing they'd go away sooner if I didn't mess with them but unable to resist seeing what's inside of them. And with a mighty squirt, they at last reveal their pus: sticky, noisome, containing no noticeable smell or color but rancid all the same.
And, you know, to be fair, it's not just you. It's Oren Peli and Sam Raimi (post 1993 or so) and whoever directed that piece of shit about the Dybbuk Box and fucking shitsplat
Annabelle. But you started this shit so I hold you personally responsible for the glut of formulaic, by-the-numbers, cartoonified, dayglo-sprayed, G-rated cheap carnival ride, shopping mall franchise Halloween funhouse spook shows that have tumbled into theaters over the past 10 years (give or take) like a virus rampaging its way through an already compromised bloodstream.
 |
| Marilyn Manson wants his look back. |
In case you're wondering what brought on this latest need to vent in your direction, I sat down and watched
The Conjuring 2 last night. I knew it was going to suck but I watched it anyway because I was drunk and had nothing better to do. I'd seen
The Conjuring. It was stupid.
Painfully stupid. It was like watching someone try and turn a poop joke into a horror movie. How many minutes of my life have been wasted staring down dark corridors and doorways, waiting for the
Boo! moment to pop out at me, knowing it will because the music cues have told us that it's time to be scared? How much more white pancake makeup and runny eyeliner can you slap onto an actor/actress before Norway sues your ass for appropriation of corpsepaint? How many more vaguely scary drag queens are you going to try and pass off as demons? How many more liberties are you going to take with ghost stories, and how much longer are you going to insist that Ed and Lorraine Warren were heroes rather than fame seeking charlatans looking to cash in on the intangible?
You make films much like a hyperactive child vomits up the two pounds of Halloween candy he stuffed into his mouth, wrappers and all, an hour before bed. It's colorful and gross, but it's not scary, nor does it contain any actual nutritional value. It's just empty filling in a garish container, and every single one tastes exactly the same as every other: uniform, processed, lifeless. There is no difference between your films and a handful of Tootsie Rolls: they both give me migraines and fill me with regret. They are utterly indistinguishable from one another. They follow the same exact plots, cast the same exact stereotypes and contain no surprises, nor do they boast any originality or require any thought. Congratulations: you're an assembly line robot, churning out the plastic tchotchke that passes for art. I don't even have as much of a problem with remakes as I do with your films. At least remakes have a reference point. You're frosting turds and passing them off as cupcakes. Fuck you, James Wan.
Stop making the same movie over and over!
 |
| Insidious - 2010 |
 |
| The Conjuring 2 - 2016 |
