ThE aMiTyViLle bOrER

I don't know why I click these stupid things on Facebook. Scrolling through my feed, hoping for something - anything - that doesn't involve football or politics. Hey man, I'm only human. I cannot be expected to resist the temptation of clicking on headlines like 21 Restaurant Employees Reveal The Most Horrific Customer They've Ever Had To Serve and/or 15 Inmates Reveal Shocking Aspects Of What It's Really Like To Be Locked Up, and/or 17 Radical Islamic Grizzly Bears Recount How They Plotted the Bowling Green Massacre.


So yeah, being a lifelong, diehard horror fan, of course I'm gonna click on a title blaring: The Truth of What Actually Happened at Amityville! Oh boy! 23 Things I Already Knew But Fuck It, I'm Bored! So I clicked. And started reading. And who the fuck wrote this shit? And how drunk was he when he wrote this? And please tell me he didn't get paid for it. And why am I still reading this? And he's an editor, are you fucking kidding me? And a published author? You know, my faith in the human race has been on a serious and rapid decline since a talking rutabaga got his dumb ass inaugurated, and it improved not a single iota after getting halfway through this roll of used toilet paper passing itself off as journalism. This is shit writing. Shittily researched, shitfuckingly stupid, shitclown grammar, fuckshittingly glaring errors... this is unacceptable.

So, Jacob Shelton, here - I fixed it for you.
You're welcome.

 Yeah, you're absolutely right, Jake. 

Flies shouldn't be in New Jersey in the winter. 

Especially when Amityville is in New York.

 Again, it's New York.

And his name was George, not Paul. Or John, or Ringo.

And "why would anyone have a room like this?" Like what? You mean a basement? Maybe because this is New England and basements are pretty standard issue here?

Uh, I think you meant "The Lutz's" not "The DeFeo's. Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.

Take your own advice, Jakey.

Oh good for you, you finally, correctly remembered in which state Amityville is located!
Stop saying "Natch." It's just really fucking annoying.

Actually, just stop writing until you enroll in a remedial grammar course and graduate with honors. Because dude, you cannot write. Your sentences run on longer than Usain Bolt with a bottle rocket up his ass. I'd accuse Punctuation of abandoning you, but I somehow doubt you two have ever even met. Your writing is clunky: seriously, I tripped over enough holes in your narrative to fill the fucking Albert Hall twice. Your writing is so clumsy, it desperately needs Life Alert. Your tenses are drunk and should go home. You writing is like a giant tortoise wearing concrete tap shoes, dancing atop a typewriter. I could write a better article with my ass duct taped to my face and all of my fingers chewed off by ferrets. I don't even know what the fuck that means. But your article is an insult to actual journalists. Shit, I'm not even an actual journalist. But I know shit writing when I read it.

And you write shit.