54 More Days 'til Halloween!

Here. I made a list that nobody asked me to make, featuring films that not enough people have watched or even heard of, and which, in my humble and unasked for opinion, should be watched by everyone as the Halloween season approaches. Because you all spend too much time watching the same dull shit over and over again, every single year. Seriously, it's time to expand your fucking horizons. Instead of rewatching the entire Halloween franchise again, or the 647th installment of Paranormal Activity or whatever steaming pile of colorless crap that James Wan squats and squeezes out of his overkissed cinematic colon, dare to be different and try any of these instead.

(also, this will be a two part article because I am way too fucking lazy to do the whole thing in one shot. Look, I have a whole other life waiting for me on Pinterest, okay?)

Lake Mungo
Category: Ghosts
Blood & Guts: none, zero zilch
Synopsis: A fifteen year old girl drowns on a Christmas Day family outing. Has her ghost returned to haunt her grieving parents and brother? Believe me, you won't know for sure until the very last frame of the film. This genuinely eerie tale is impossible to predict. Don't even try it, just go with it.
Watch if you liked: The Autopsy of Jane Doe, The Horseman, The Lovely Bones

The Void
Category: Interdimensional/Lovecraft/Demons
Blood & Guts: metric fucktons
Synopsis: A burned out hospital with a skeleton crew is surrounded by cultists and invaded by face-ripping, tentacled demons. Why? Because why the fuck not? A cop, his estranged nurse/wife, a gun-totin' militia man, his idiot son, a bitter intern, a pregnant teenager, her grandfather and a very reluctant junkie try to survive the utter, balls-out weirdness that erupts around them without warning. Absolutely batshit crazy 80s-esque homage to John Carpenter and several thousand other classic horror films.
Watch if you liked: John Carpenter's The Thing, Prince of Darkness, Hellraiser.

What We Do in the Shadows
Category: Vampires/Comedy
Blood & Guts: They're vampires, they don't put down towels.
Synopsis: Four ancient vampires allow a film crew to document their everyday activities. Much dark bidding on the internet ensues, culminating in the long-prophesied meeting between the vamps and The Beast, a terrifying ex-girlfriend of one of them. Also, no one eats Stu and werewolves are not swearwolves.
Watch if you liked: Dead Alive, Tucker and Dale VS. Evil, Deathgasm   

Hell Night
Category: Slasher. Much 80s. Very slutdrunk. 
Blood & Guts: A decent handful or two.
Synopsis: Frat house initiation, alcohol, stupid teens, haunted house, blahblahblah, deranged deformed killers, jiggly boobies, sexy undies, screaming, blahblahblah, the end. High energy, lots of fun, a cut above most of the formulaic slasher films of the time.
Watch if you liked: Prom Night, Slumber Party Massacre, The Initiation

Pontypool
Category: Zombies
Blood & Guts: Vomit up all of your internal organs in a high pressure jet, and you have this movie.
Synopsis: Certain words become infected, turning the English language into a virus that turns people into violent zombies. Survivors hole up in a remote Canadian radio station during a Valentine's Day blizzard and try to figure out what the actual fuck is going on.
Watch if you liked: 28 Days Later, The Bay, Night of the Living Dead

Deathgasm
Category: Heavy Metal Demons. Not for poseurs.
Blood & Guts: Okay, now fart out all of your internal organs in a high pressure jet whilst playing a sick black metal riff.
Synopsis: A loner metalhead finds a friend, starts a band and gets the girl. But only after he accidentally summons some nasty demons and turning the inhabitants of his small New Zealand town into possessy zombies.
Watch if you liked: What We Do in the Shadows, The Evil Dead, Until the Light Takes Us


The Banshee Chapter
Category: Interdimensional/Lovecraft/Demons
Blood & Guts: yeah, a bit here and there.
Synopsis: A guy disappears researching MKUltra and radio numbers stations. His hot British girlfriend tries to find out what happened to him and ends up with Jamie Gumb. Honestly, MKUltra is a subject matter that hasn't been used enough in horror films. And it should be. Because it was fucking real. And really fucking scary.
Watch if you liked: The Void, From Beyond

Haunter
Category: Ghosts/family friendly
Blood & Guts: Not much, and what is shown is pretty tame and fakey looking.
Synopsis: A teenage girl realizes she is living the same day over and over, and has been for a very long time. She also realizes she's dead. As is her entire family. And the super evil ghost who was responsible for their deaths is still in the house, and has killed before....and is plotting to kill again unless she can figure out a way to stop him. 
Watch if you liked: Triangle, The Others, The Pact

Lords of Salem
Category: Witches/Satan
Blood & Guts: Surprisingly little, considering this is a Rob Zombie film.
Synopsis: A former heroin addict doesn't realize that she's been targeted by an ancient coven of witches to bear the devil's child. Filmed in Salem, MA during a gorgeous autumn. Sheri Moon still can't act worth a shit, but as an homage to Stanley Kubrick and a vehicle for numerous horror movie icons, this is one of Zombie's more watchable films.  
Watch if you liked: Rosemary's Baby, Lair of the White Worm

The Pact
Category: Ghosts
Blood & Guts: not much
Synopsis: A young woman disappears inside her dead mother's house. Her sister comes to look for her and runs smack into a very pissed off ghost who wants her murder solved. Intensely frightening and quite original.  
Watch if you liked: The Changeling, Absentia, Lovely Molly

Some Guy Who Kills People
Category: Serial killer/Revenge/Comedy
Blood & Guts: A decent amount.
Synopsis: A 30 something loser who still lives with his bitchy mother wants revenge on the high school bullies who landed him in an asylum. And indeed, someone is killing them off one by one. However, a long lost daughter and a new girlfriend complicate things. Really funny, superbly acted by an ensemble cast of pros and boasting a strong, coherent story. 
Watch if you liked: Deathgasm, Behind the Mask: The Rise and Fall of Leslie Vernon 

 Frankenstein's Army
Category: Monsters/Mad Scientists
Blood & Guts: Holy SHIT!!!
Synopsis: Nazi's walk into a chamber of horrors, where some crazy mutherfucker has been turning dead human beings into killing machines. Literally! Like, zombies with propeller heads and drill bit mouths and land mine skulls and what the fucking FUCK is going on here with this crazyass shit?! 
Watch if you liked: Necromentia, Banshee Chapter


 



Splinter
Category: Monsters/Infection
Blood & Guts: yeah, some
Synopsis: A nerd, his improbably hot girlfriend, a thief and his trashy junkie girlfriend get stuck in a convenient store with a prickly parasite who turns its victims into hosts. Better than it has any right to be. 
Watch if you liked: Feast, Slither, The Ruins

Blood on the Highway
Category: Vampires/Comedy
Blood & Gore: The word "blood" is in the fucking title, what do you think?
Synopsis: A trio of friends are on their way to Burning Man Mr. Fire and are forced to do battle with trashy corporate vampires. If John Waters fucked the Blade franchise and shat out a baby, it would be this film. 
Watch if you liked: What We Do in the Shadows, Desperate Living, Feast