Movies, Music, Mostly Horror...
Friday, July 10, 2015
Friday, July 3, 2015
Dear John
There is absolutely no point to this article. I just want to talk about how cool John Hurt is.
I saw The Elephant Man when I was 10 years old. I probably should not have seen The Elephant Man when I was 10 years old, but my mother saw no reason to censor her children and, even at that young age, I knew I was different from the other kids. I was drawn to the dark, the morbid, the misunderstood. I'm actually surprised I didn't see Alien before I saw The Elephant Man considering how much of a horror nut I was, am and always have been. But nope. Elephant showed up on Showtime or HBO or something, and I wanted to watch it.
I never fully recovered. I suffered so poignantly through the entirety of that film. It ended and I sobbed for the rest of the day. And the next time it was on, I watched it again. I don't know why. It wasn't exactly an enjoyable film. I've never heard anyone say they enjoyed the experience of watching The Elephant Man anymore than any sane person would enjoy watching a batch of newborn kittens lowered into an acid vat.
I wanted to talk about the film at school the next day, but none of my 10 year old classmates knew what the fuck I was talking about and thought I was weird. As per usual.
I had no idea what John Hurt really looked like until I saw Alien about two years later. It didn't matter. I was already in love with him. I'd fallen in love with the fucking Elephant Man. Despite being buried under a shit-ton of horrifying make-up, face totally obliterated except for his eyes Hurt managed to channel a man who was simultaneously a bright, innocent child and a bottomless abyss of devastating sorrow. Never wrathful, not even when he turns upon the crowd who have torn away his hood and yells: "I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!" He's a lost child, begging for help, hoping to God that an appeal to the common core of decency that he honestly believes all people possess will awaken in someone a human response: an extended hand, guiding him to safety. But he doesn't get one. Adding weight to the suspicion that I already had, even at age 10: "Life doesn't care about us. Life is a merciless bitch."
Anyway, roughly two years later, Alien came on TV. I wasn't thinking: "Oh my god, John Hurt is in this movie." I was thinking: "Yeah! Alien monster crab-baby explody guts and gore all over the space place!" And I saw his name in the opening credits and thought: "Oh cool, score, Elephant Man!" And then his face on the screen, Ridley Scott's camera lingering long on that long, drawn, mournful face, like a peninsula of sadness jutting out into an indifferent universe. Even smiling, his eyes were achingly, endlessly melancholy, blacker than the space glimpsed between an open door and the interior of a long abandoned and certainly haunted house. It was his goddamned face, I realized. No wonder he always played the victim - he looks like a man who has been expecting a sad, untimely end and is slightly shocked that it hasn't shown up yet.
Around the same time in my sad, isolated, totally drama-emo childhood, I also watched Watership Down and The Lord of the Rings on repeat. No, not the new LOTR, the original feature length cartoon by Ralph Bakshi, starring C3PO as Legolas and John Fucking Hurt as Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Heir of Isildur and all that shit. Tolkein himself described Aragorn as "often grim and sad, with unexpected
moments of levity." Perfect. And as the rabbit leader Hazel in Watership Down, Hurt actually manages to give integrity, rationality and sense of beleaguered acceptance to a common rabbit. Hazel was a prince of rabbits, not because he sought to be, but because he had the best interests of his fellow rabbits at heart, so much so that his own survival was always a secondary consideration.
I got older, became a huge movie freak. I don't say "film buff" because that makes it sound as though I have an education on the subject. I don't. I just consume films the way others breathe air. And I learned that Hurt didn't always play a victim. Sometimes, he played absolute bloody bastards. He was "versatile." That was a new word for me at age 12, on a list of multi-syllabic words that I did not use in front of my friends...well, the few that I had anyway.
He was always turning up where I least expected to find him, and often when I hadn't even gone looking. I wasn't expecting to see him as Jesus in a Mel Brooks flick. Holy shit, he's in The Osterman Weekend and he's naked! 1984, and the final shot of the film - that goddamned face! so broken and crevassed with sorrow and What-Could-Have-Beens! - my heart melted like a popsicle on the equator. Fucking Space Balls. How many A-listers are so cool that they play themselves in a parody of a role that got them famous? Shit, not even famous - fucking immortal! The chestburster scene in Alien is mandatory knowledge these days, apt to appear as regularly in any American household as beer and cheese flavored products.
Okay. I think I've kowtowed enough. And I haven't even touched upon his new career as That Kinda Weird Old Eccentric Guy in films such as Hellboy, Harry Potter and Snowpiercer. (on a side note, I was a curmudgeonly attendee at the first Harry Potter film - my mom made me go see it. And when Mr. Ollivander slid out onto the screen, I was immediately grateful and smiling like a goony fangirl in the darkness). He was actually my favorite part of Lars von Triers Melancholia, with his affected doddering and his admiring Betty's, each one willing to bang him despite the fact that he's old enough to be their dads, granddads or dirty old uncles. Shit, I would. I'm still in love with him. He doesn't age. He'll never die.
And, as I always say: "I have friends in weird places." I really do. I don't really know how I've lucked out over the years - being a complete nobody with no connections, no money and no marketable skills - somehow making friends with people who I spent my childhood idolizing. No, I've never met John Hurt, but a friend of mine - the incredibly talented and nonstop, shameless punner John Mosby of Impact Magazine and Leftwingers for Kermit & Piggy fame - interviewed Sir John several years ago for The Leeds Guide. The article is nowhere to be found online...until now, bitches.
There are certain actors that are no less than British institutions. Their faces may be chiselled and weathered but each of those lines marks out a distinguished role or familiar project. John Hurt is clearly one of those men. Over the years he’s managed to accomplish a whole slew of roles that mark him out to several generations. To some he’ll be the face behind The Elephant Man and The Naked Civil Servant, to others the first - and very memorable - victim in Alien, to younger audiences his appearances in the latest Indiana Jones outing, the Hellboy movies and more upcoming Harry Potter keep him clearly in the public eye.
It’s that diverse body of work that recently brought him to Bradford’s National Media Museum to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award as part of the city’s film festival and introduce a retrospective of his work.
“I first saw the award earlier. It says ‘Gives new meaning to diverse…’ which I think is lovely. Though I wasn’t heavily involved in picking out the films in the retrospective, they came to me and asked me my thoughts. I know some of the prints are quite hard to get hold of, so I’m rather glad they’re showing the less usual ones,” Hurt explains. “ They’ve included The Field, Scandal… I suggested Shooting Dogs - that plays very well at festivals, but hasn’t been one that people say ‘I must go out and see tonight…’. It’s a challenging film. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m here. The more film festivals there are, the more chance there is that we’ll have a properly educated audience who understands our culture and cares to fan the flames.”
There’s a wry twinkle in the actor’s eye as he explains that he’s always had the acting bug. His father might well have preferred him to go into the church and his mother may have disapproved of the movies, but from an early age it was in his blood.
“My parents didn’t like me going to the Saturday Morning pictures because they felt they were… common. Coming from a clergyman, that was a bit rich,” he arches an eyebrow. “ But it was probably my mother that didn’t like it, she was suspicious of film. She loved the theater, but I loved Jerry Lewis. I’d plead to go and see that because he made me howl with laughter…”
After moving from Derbyshire to Grimsby with his family, he turned his creative flair to treading the boards and was able to land a place at RADA, making his stage debut in 1962. He might not have been traditional ‘leading man’ material, but he quickly showed an aptitude for the more interesting character parts. Such roles, he has always maintained, are the ones which prove far more challenging.
“If you take a film such as…say, The Proposition, that wasn’t a big part, but I thought ‘Wow, he’s got so much character about him’ that it was real fun for me to do. Sometimes roles are longer, but generally speaking the leading roles don’t have the opportunity to be so audacious as other roles because a story can’t take that - it gets too much. But you can come on and do the most extraordinary things for a supporting role or cameo. So, that’s huge fun for an actor.”
He also says that he’s been very fortunate to work with some great directors and, even more so, in films where such directors were in the ascendant. He worked with ’newcomers’ such as David Lynch, Alan Parker and Ridley Scott.
“I loved working with David Lynch. He taught me something about the business of making film. He’d tell me where to be and where to go physically… because what he saw on screen was vastly more important than where I found myself motivationally. You can motivate yourself to do anything, really. As long as you can make a fool of yourself - that’s the most important thing an actor has to learn!” Hurt smiles.
I never fully recovered. I suffered so poignantly through the entirety of that film. It ended and I sobbed for the rest of the day. And the next time it was on, I watched it again. I don't know why. It wasn't exactly an enjoyable film. I've never heard anyone say they enjoyed the experience of watching The Elephant Man anymore than any sane person would enjoy watching a batch of newborn kittens lowered into an acid vat.
I wanted to talk about the film at school the next day, but none of my 10 year old classmates knew what the fuck I was talking about and thought I was weird. As per usual.
 |
| "You're not an elephant man at all. You're a Romeo." |
Around the same time in my sad, isolated, totally drama-emo childhood, I also watched Watership Down and The Lord of the Rings on repeat. No, not the new LOTR, the original feature length cartoon by Ralph Bakshi, starring C3PO as Legolas and John Fucking Hurt as Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Heir of Isildur and all that shit. Tolkein himself described Aragorn as "often grim and sad, with unexpected
I got older, became a huge movie freak. I don't say "film buff" because that makes it sound as though I have an education on the subject. I don't. I just consume films the way others breathe air. And I learned that Hurt didn't always play a victim. Sometimes, he played absolute bloody bastards. He was "versatile." That was a new word for me at age 12, on a list of multi-syllabic words that I did not use in front of my friends...well, the few that I had anyway.
 |
| 1984 |
Okay. I think I've kowtowed enough. And I haven't even touched upon his new career as That Kinda Weird Old Eccentric Guy in films such as Hellboy, Harry Potter and Snowpiercer. (on a side note, I was a curmudgeonly attendee at the first Harry Potter film - my mom made me go see it. And when Mr. Ollivander slid out onto the screen, I was immediately grateful and smiling like a goony fangirl in the darkness). He was actually my favorite part of Lars von Triers Melancholia, with his affected doddering and his admiring Betty's, each one willing to bang him despite the fact that he's old enough to be their dads, granddads or dirty old uncles. Shit, I would. I'm still in love with him. He doesn't age. He'll never die.
And, as I always say: "I have friends in weird places." I really do. I don't really know how I've lucked out over the years - being a complete nobody with no connections, no money and no marketable skills - somehow making friends with people who I spent my childhood idolizing. No, I've never met John Hurt, but a friend of mine - the incredibly talented and nonstop, shameless punner John Mosby of Impact Magazine and Leftwingers for Kermit & Piggy fame - interviewed Sir John several years ago for The Leeds Guide. The article is nowhere to be found online...until now, bitches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interview with John Hurt
by John Mosby
2010
It’s that diverse body of work that recently brought him to Bradford’s National Media Museum to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award as part of the city’s film festival and introduce a retrospective of his work.
“I first saw the award earlier. It says ‘Gives new meaning to diverse…’ which I think is lovely. Though I wasn’t heavily involved in picking out the films in the retrospective, they came to me and asked me my thoughts. I know some of the prints are quite hard to get hold of, so I’m rather glad they’re showing the less usual ones,” Hurt explains. “ They’ve included The Field, Scandal… I suggested Shooting Dogs - that plays very well at festivals, but hasn’t been one that people say ‘I must go out and see tonight…’. It’s a challenging film. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m here. The more film festivals there are, the more chance there is that we’ll have a properly educated audience who understands our culture and cares to fan the flames.”
“My parents didn’t like me going to the Saturday Morning pictures because they felt they were… common. Coming from a clergyman, that was a bit rich,” he arches an eyebrow. “ But it was probably my mother that didn’t like it, she was suspicious of film. She loved the theater, but I loved Jerry Lewis. I’d plead to go and see that because he made me howl with laughter…”
After moving from Derbyshire to Grimsby with his family, he turned his creative flair to treading the boards and was able to land a place at RADA, making his stage debut in 1962. He might not have been traditional ‘leading man’ material, but he quickly showed an aptitude for the more interesting character parts. Such roles, he has always maintained, are the ones which prove far more challenging.
“If you take a film such as…say, The Proposition, that wasn’t a big part, but I thought ‘Wow, he’s got so much character about him’ that it was real fun for me to do. Sometimes roles are longer, but generally speaking the leading roles don’t have the opportunity to be so audacious as other roles because a story can’t take that - it gets too much. But you can come on and do the most extraordinary things for a supporting role or cameo. So, that’s huge fun for an actor.”
“I loved working with David Lynch. He taught me something about the business of making film. He’d tell me where to be and where to go physically… because what he saw on screen was vastly more important than where I found myself motivationally. You can motivate yourself to do anything, really. As long as you can make a fool of yourself - that’s the most important thing an actor has to learn!” Hurt smiles.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
I know what lets do!
Please to be reading the following list of the best and most quality MST3K one-liners ever uttered, won't we?
#1 - Episode #424, Manos: The Hands of Fate
Joel Utterly Loses His Shit:
#2 - Episode #819, Invasion of theSuppository Neptune Men
Tom Servo (aka Htom Sirveaux) Utterly Loses His Shit:
#3 - Episode #517, The Beginning of the End
Tom Servo Has Sympathy for the Deaf:
#4 - Episode 912, The Screaming Skull
A minister comes upon the drowned, skull-chewed dead body of wife killer Eric, who has steadfastly refused to attend said minister's services:
Crow T. Robot: "Good riddance, ya stinkin' athiest!"
#5 - Episode #804, The Deadly Mantis
Science type consultant guy has been wracking his brains, trying to figure out what insect a giant spur belongs to:
Science Guy: "I have narrowed the field to one!"
Crow T. Robot: "Should we narrow it further?"
#6 - Episode #319, War of the Colossal Beast
A Mexican sheriff is not surprised when a young boy in deep shock fails to tell a couple of gringos what happened to the truck he was driving:
Crow T. Robot: (affecting stereotypical Mexican accent): "We could pump his stomach but I do not think we'd find your truck."
#7 - Episode #416, Fire Maidens of Outer Space
#8 - Episode #421, Monster A Go Go
"They couldn't afford to make the phone ring."
#9 - Episode #820, Space Mutiny
The Many Names of David Ryder...
#10 - Episode #304, Gamera VS. Barugon
And here's the dialogue if you can't follow Servo's oxygen-depleting, hysterical pitch:
"And we'll be right back, right after this:
Kids! Here's the greatest, the neatest, and the latest thing. 5000-piece Fightin' Men and Monster set (some pieces not included.) Astonish and baffle your friends and foes while you pulverize Japan. Here's what you get:
500 Japanese light infantry body parts (may not be missing)
36 helpless individuals
20 tanks
15 recoil-less rifles (not in the set)
24 bazooka gun runners
18 ambulance chasers
12 jet fighters (6 not included)
16 helicopter parts
200 shooting crouches
19 fighting clowns
8 deserters
6 geese-a-laying
24 Mohawk Indians
and much, much, much, much more!
Act now and receive at half the extra value the mystifying monster action pack. Flame-on with Gamera (torso sold separately.) He spits real fire and causes real pain. Solid rubber Barugon comes complete with optional ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage.) And amuse your friends with Topel, Meatsong, and Bart the Bat-man Belgium and dive (some parts may not exist.) Act now, act often, and snap on the entire Tokyo metropolitan area complete with buildings, bridges, and the breakaway Monte Nuclear Dam (smaller than shown.) Trample the add-on hapless citizen playset, then abhor the action with the fabulous anti-war protest pack (Senator Wellstone not included.)
But that's not all. Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the Lights! Gamera! Action! series. There's the gimp, the goon, the shame-filled brother, the hapless geisha, and the fall-apart voodoo Kenny. Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain.
Order today. Offer limited. Not available in Utah. Puerto Rico prices subject to herein. Please wear rubber underwear and some parts may be made of chicken. Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! MOMMY! MOMMY!
*Joel gives Tom oxygen.
*Tom begins sobbing.
#1 - Episode #424, Manos: The Hands of Fate
Joel Utterly Loses His Shit:
#2 - Episode #819, Invasion of the
Tom Servo (aka Htom Sirveaux) Utterly Loses His Shit:
#3 - Episode #517, The Beginning of the End
Tom Servo Has Sympathy for the Deaf:
#4 - Episode 912, The Screaming Skull
A minister comes upon the drowned, skull-chewed dead body of wife killer Eric, who has steadfastly refused to attend said minister's services:
Crow T. Robot: "Good riddance, ya stinkin' athiest!"
#5 - Episode #804, The Deadly Mantis
Science type consultant guy has been wracking his brains, trying to figure out what insect a giant spur belongs to:
Science Guy: "I have narrowed the field to one!"
Crow T. Robot: "Should we narrow it further?"
#6 - Episode #319, War of the Colossal Beast
A Mexican sheriff is not surprised when a young boy in deep shock fails to tell a couple of gringos what happened to the truck he was driving:
Crow T. Robot: (affecting stereotypical Mexican accent): "We could pump his stomach but I do not think we'd find your truck."
#7 - Episode #416, Fire Maidens of Outer Space
 | ||
| "Bye! Thanks for the valium!" |
#8 - Episode #421, Monster A Go Go
"They couldn't afford to make the phone ring."
#9 - Episode #820, Space Mutiny
The Many Names of David Ryder...
#10 - Episode #304, Gamera VS. Barugon
And here's the dialogue if you can't follow Servo's oxygen-depleting, hysterical pitch:
"And we'll be right back, right after this:
Kids! Here's the greatest, the neatest, and the latest thing. 5000-piece Fightin' Men and Monster set (some pieces not included.) Astonish and baffle your friends and foes while you pulverize Japan. Here's what you get:
500 Japanese light infantry body parts (may not be missing)
36 helpless individuals
20 tanks
15 recoil-less rifles (not in the set)
24 bazooka gun runners
18 ambulance chasers
12 jet fighters (6 not included)
16 helicopter parts
200 shooting crouches
19 fighting clowns
8 deserters
6 geese-a-laying
24 Mohawk Indians
and much, much, much, much more!
Act now and receive at half the extra value the mystifying monster action pack. Flame-on with Gamera (torso sold separately.) He spits real fire and causes real pain. Solid rubber Barugon comes complete with optional ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage.) And amuse your friends with Topel, Meatsong, and Bart the Bat-man Belgium and dive (some parts may not exist.) Act now, act often, and snap on the entire Tokyo metropolitan area complete with buildings, bridges, and the breakaway Monte Nuclear Dam (smaller than shown.) Trample the add-on hapless citizen playset, then abhor the action with the fabulous anti-war protest pack (Senator Wellstone not included.)
But that's not all. Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the Lights! Gamera! Action! series. There's the gimp, the goon, the shame-filled brother, the hapless geisha, and the fall-apart voodoo Kenny. Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain.
Order today. Offer limited. Not available in Utah. Puerto Rico prices subject to herein. Please wear rubber underwear and some parts may be made of chicken. Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! MOMMY! MOMMY!
*Joel gives Tom oxygen.
*Tom begins sobbing.
Monday, June 29, 2015
That psycho in the hockey mask
But for whatever reason, the Friday the 13th franchise has won my enduring love. I really don't know why. They're every bit as stupid, badly scripted, drunkenly plotted and predictable as any other Michael Kruger/Freddy Myers film. Honestly, I loved Freddy in the mid 80s, but after the fourth film he stopped being scary and became a cartoon. Watching Wile E. Coyote die several deaths during the course of a single six minute episode is not scary, and neither was Freddy by 1989.
Anyway, it'd be very easy for me to reel off into an in-depth psychoanalysis of Jason Voorhees' oedipal complex, but I've had three NYD root beers and don't know where my thesaurus is so fuck it. Instead, I'll just list all of the F13 films in chronological order and name one good thing about them each - one redeeming quality that makes them worth a watch, even if you profess to hate slasher films...like I hypocritically just did, two paragraphs ago.
Year released: 1980.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: The late great Betsy Palmer, a pert, perky Robbi Morgan who gets killed off way too soon, Kevin Fucking Bacon, Crazy Ralph, Adrienne Goddamned King and Ari Lehman as little Jason.
Why you should watch it: Because it's a classic, even if it looks like shit now. It's Halloween on steroids with tits and gore galore. And even though Betsy Palmer was reluctant to do this movie, and only did so because she needed the money for car repairs, she's a great slasher villain. Built like a Mack truck in a sweater, she plows through the film without working up a sweat, mowing down teenagers like I eat pretzel sticks. The scene in which she climbs on top of Adrienne King and starts slamming her face into the ground is hysterical, and makes me yearn for the days of lady wrestling flicks.
Year released: 1981.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Adrienne King, a preemptive lobotomy, Betsy Palmer's freeze dried head, more disposable teenagers and Amy Steel.
Why you should watch it: The unapologetic slaughter of a totally helpless guy in a wheelchair, the extreme close-up shot of a tight bodied camp counselor getting slingshotted right in her bouncy ass, and Amy Steel's disgusted facial expression when she pulls on Mrs. Voorhees' rotted, stinky sweater.
Year released: 1982.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: that soap opera chick who went all conservative Christian, Cheech Marin's 2nd cousin and a hockey mask.
Why you should watch it: For the Hockey mask, which Jason dons for the first time about an hour into this flick. It's also in 3D, so you get all of the following items shoved into your face: a pole, a machete, Dana Kimmel's ass, popcorn, a joint, an eyeball, another eyeball, a pitchfork and some other stuff. A ridiculously stereotypical motorcycle gang shows up for the sole purpose of being bumped off. A girl is pregnant for no reason at all. And the best kill scene award goes to: the idiot walking on his hands down the hall who gets an upside-down evisceration from groin to gut.
Friday the 13th, Part 4 (The Final Chapter)
Year released: 1984.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Corey Feldman, Crispin Glover, a 30s porno and a fat girl with a banana.
Why you should watch it:
That is all.
Friday the 13th, Part 5 (A New Beginning)
Year released: 1985.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Spider & Suicide from Return of the Living Dead, Corey Feldman and an outhouse.
Why you should watch it: You shouldn't. There's an exception to every rule.
Year released: 1986.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: The other guy from Return of the Living Dead, Horshack and a conveniently timed lightening storm.
Why you should watch it: Jason ripping Horshack's heart out is sublime revenge for those of us who lived through the 70s and suffered the inexplicable popularity of Welcome Back Kotter.
Year released: 1988.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Kane Fucking Hodder.
Why you should watch it: With Jason brought back from the dead and transformed into a supernatural undead, unkillable tank, he can no longer fall prey to the wimpy kicks of a Final Girl. He is now SuperJason, unable to be killed because he's already dead. Kane Hodder really makes Jason a frightening force, angry and determined, stomping through the woods and pumped up harder than a pro-wrestler. Nobody really gives a shit about Lar Park Lincoln's constantly sniffling Tina, but her Carrie White powers are the only thing that can withstand a Jason-sized battle. The scene in which she psychically snaps the straps on his hockey mask and he whirls around, infuriated, to reveal his half skeletonized, swamp-rotted, maggot eaten face with eyes full of hatred and a pissed off sneer - it's fucking horrifying.
Also, the sleeping bag scene is hilarious.
Year released: 1989.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Kane Fucking Hodder, Lady Deathstrike and a toxic waste tsunami.
Why you should watch it: The Times Square scene. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, I won't ruin it for you.
Year released: 1993.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Kane Fucking Hodder, Erin Gray and Freddy Krueger's fingerknives.
Why you should watch it: Well, if you've always wanted to know about Jason's family tree, this would be your film. But I admit, I've only seen this one once, and I was high at the time, but I remember the last scene as being made of Pure Fucking Awesome.
Year released: 2001.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: recycled Alien sets, Kane Fucking Hodder and David Fucking Cronenberg
Why you should watch it: David Fucking Cronenberg. Also, I may be alone in my opinion here but I actually think Jason's metal body armor and futuristic, space-age hockey mask is kind of cool. He looks like the unholy spawn of Robo-Cop and Bane. Also also, the "Premarital Sex" scene is really fucking funny. It's the best part of the movie, spoofing the franchise but remaining faithful to Jason as a stone cold killing machine, uninterested in anything other than making meat bleed.
Year released: 2003
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: NOT Kane Fucking Hodder, Freddy Kreuger, one of Destiny's children and Scut Farkus.
Why you should watch it: Because it's Freddy Versus Fucking Jason, that's why! You don't question this shit, you just go with it. Kelly Rowland's verbal bait scene with Freddy is pretty amusing, as is the throwaway line about the "pissed off goalie."I also appreciated the attempt to humanize Jason and make him sympathetic, just another child victim of Freddy's. Was it worth waiting 20 years for? Probably not. But it could have been a lot worse.
I haven't seen the remake yet.
Sue me.
The end.
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