The Harlot Shall Be Burned With Fire

I dedicate this post to that guy in Sacramento who - without being asked one fine, sunny day in 1998 - informed me that I would never marry, and even if I did, all of my sons would be homosexual because I was "too strong" a woman. Kiss my ass, you fat fuck.

Forbidden Planet (1956)
Starring: Robby the Robot, Mr. Naked Gun, Earl Holliman (who did NOT star in Attack of The The Eye Creatures) and Anne Francis stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet at the late night double feature picture show...

Directed by: Fred M. Wilcox
Based on William Shakespeare's The Tempest.

Basic plot: A bunch of manly, horny, smug white guys go to another planet and discover some old guy, his super hot teenage daughter and their pet robot gadding about, doing as they please. Time to civilize this shit. Except there's a monster lurking about.

Why it's Sexist: Alta, the aforementioned hot teenage daughter, has never known another person except for her father. She's utterly innocent and has been raised in an environment free of limitations and/or shame. She runs around in tiny little dresses because she can and why the hell not? But here come The Penis Squad, and Captain Leslie Nielsen is quick to lay all of the blame for his horndog crew's pervy behavior squarely on Alta, saying she deserves to be raped for running around so scantily clad.

"Well, what'd you expect? Don't you understand, Alta? No? Well, look at yourself. You can't dress like that around men, especially not a space wolf like Farman. I'm in command of 18 competitively selected super-perfect physical specimens with an average age of 24.6 who have been locked up in hyperspace for 378 days. It would have served you right if I hadn't... and he... oh go on, get out of here before I have you run out of the area under guard - and then I'll put more guards on the guards!"

Nice.

Straw Dogs (1971)
Starring: Dustin Hoffman, Susan George, that guy who was in Titanic, some slut and a lot of icky scumbaggy guys.
Directed by: Sam "I hate women" Peckinpah.

Every female in this movie is a whore. For no reason other than that they were born whorey and like being whorish. Susan George walks around with no bra on, nipples entering rooms before she does, even though she's married to dweeby Dustin Hoffman and should be acting like a proper dowdy hausfrau. She shows her tits to whomever wishes to see them and not only encourages but enjoys the rape bestowed upon her by her brutish ex boyfriend. She doesn't care too much for the sodomy forced upon her by some other guy, though. But she's dumb and slutty and not very nice, so she deserves it. Also deserving it is the vapid teenage girl who is George's Whore-In-Waiting and, because of the lack of doable guys in this small, manure-encrusted town, tries to seduce the village idiot, who "accidentally strangles" her to death one night.

Seriously, I hate Sam Peckinpah. I'm not saying he wasn't a master filmmaker with an awesome vision, but he was simultaneously a deeply perverted scumbag. That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.

Bellflower (2011)
Starring: a really badass, souped up, flame belching, apocalyptic muscle machine named Mother Medusa. Also, some totally average people.
Directed by: the same average person who stars in it, of course.

Basic plot: Two totally unlikable slacker asshole douchebags with no jobs and no class bum around a small California town, thinking they're badasses and preparing for the imminent apocalypse by tricking out their car Mad Max style. For some reason, a totally hot blond hooks up with lumpy loser Woodrow, who stumps around like an ambient dumb pudding, displays zero charm, a void where his wit should be and the overall personality of burnt toast. Utterly shocked when hot blond dumps his ass, Woodrow retaliates by fucking his best friends longtime crush (because he's that hot, apparently = *eyeroll*) and turning into super amazing asshole man, dreaming himself into an alternate universe where girls are willing to die if they can't have him, and hot blond will tolerate his escalating abuse if it means fucking him just one more time because he's obviously so amazingly Sex God Cock Endowed. Yeah. Right.

The car is the absolute best part of this movie. The rest is a lot like listening to some drunken, unemployed douchebag at the bar rant and rail about how everyone else is to blame for his own assholism.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964)
Starring: several hundred pounds of Play Doh.
Directed by: some guy

Basic plot: Donner the Dickhead knocks up his long suffering wife, who subsequently gives birth to a mutated freak named Rudolph. Donner is horrified and things get worse when his boss - an evil corporate tool named Santa - makes it clear that Rudolph will not score a spot on his sleigh team because he's so fucking ugly. Donner's constant verbal abuse drives Rudolph out of the house. Both Rudy's mom and girlfriend want to go find him and bring him home, but Donner tells them to stay put because "this is man's work" and girls with their stupid ovaries will just fuck everything up. Needless to say, the girls don't listen and don't get five feet before they need rescuing. Santa sees a way to exploit Rudy's deformity and cashes in, and all was merry and bright.

Jurassic World (2015)

That's right, woman. Kneel before me, eyes downcast.

Starring: Opie's daughter, Indominus Rex, some beefy guy, a couple of annoying kids, some Velociraptors and an assload of shitty CGI.

Directed by: some guy

Basic plot: Cute, adorably klutzy little corporate Miss Priss in white skirt and high heels just can't resist the Neanderthal charms of He-Man Velociraptor trainer and gets all blushy and stammers when he chests up in her face. So she sends her nephews out into the park on a suicide mission so she can play damsel in distress and get her scrawny ass saved by Mr. Beardy Alpha ChestHair McHighSpermCount.


Die Hard (1988)

Allow me to preface this one by saying "I love this movie." I really do. It's a load of fucking fun and I will never not watch it if it's on. But let's be honest: it's sexist as shit. John McClane comes to California to visit his estranged wife for Christmas, only to find that she's gone back to her maiden name. He's none too pleased with that bullshit. Then some bad guys start blowing shit up and taking prisoners, and wifey now needs rescuing. And the best way to save her skinny ass is by undoing the clasp of her Rolex (a gift from her boss and a symbol of her "unfaithfulness" to John by choosing her career over him) and allowing it to fall from the top of a high rise along with the bearded baddie who was going to kidnap her. And wifey decides, in the end, that McClane suits her better after all.

The Last Boy Scout (1991)
Starring: Bruce Willis, a cat puppet, Halle Berry in her pre diva-bitch days, Damon Wayans.
Directed by: Tony Scott. No wonder he killed himself. 

Brucie again, ditched by yet another wife and taking no responsibility. Wife in question is a cheating bitch. Teenage daughter is boy crazy. It's okay if a whore drowns in a jacuzzi because that's her job. Nice girls die. Brucie makes pussy jokes in front of his 13 year old daughter. Here, let's let the script speak for itself, won't we?

[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife]
Mike Mathews: It just happened, Joe. It...
Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops! I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week."

Alley Thug: All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, that's what your wife said.
Alley Thug: Hey, would you stop with the wife shit?
Joe Hallenbeck: Ask me how fat she is.
Alley Thug: Fuck you, man! How fat is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm not saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

Jimmy Dix: You don't like women much do ya Joe.
Joe Hallenbeck: [about his wife] At least I liked the guy she was fuckin'. He was my best friend.

True Lies (1994)
Starring: AHnuld, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Arnold, the Babe from Wayne's World, Tom AHnuld, some vaguely mideastern looking terrorists and Charlton "I Am A Big Man With A Gun" Heston.
Directed by: James Cameron, what the fuck were you thinking?

Ugh. This film is fucking vile. A guy showed me this film on our second date, claiming it was his all time favorite film. I dumped him immediately afterwards. Jackass.

Super cool secret agent man AHnuld suspects his mousy little wife is cheating on him, so he fantasizes about murder, incarcerates his wife, terrorizes her, humiliates her, damn near rapes her and wins her love back by doing so. Teenage daughter is on verge of becoming slut. Wayne's World Babe loves her terrorist boyfriend so much that she doesn't mind much when he beats the shit out of her and stands beside him to the bitter end. AHnuld kills everyone, saves all the wimminfolk and they love him so much because he's so cool, the end.

I would rather vomit up everything I've ever eaten, and then re-eat it, before watching this misogynistic pile of feces again. Also, I just really fucking despise AHnuld. The man is a finger sniffing, reptilian, disgusting, creepy,  STD riddled, steroid skeevy, smarmy, piggy lecherous old fart.