45 Has Arrived

A review of the film The Arrival

by 45

as portrayed by Alec Baldwin

(but not really)

So, after a long day of playing golf in Mar-A-Lago, there's nothing I like better than to plop my fat, khaki clad ass down in a golden velvet recliner in my private movie theater. I get all the best movies, lots of movies, I have them, I get them before anyone else does because I'm president and you're not. Okay so, my son Eric runs the projector because my tiny hands can't navigate the remote, and anyway why should I have to do it when I'm president and you're not?I have a great big tub of buttered popcorn balanced on my ample gut. Man, I love all that butter. It's thick and yellow and runs down over the popcorn and drips onto my hands, it's like a rich, golden shower of deliciousness. I love it so much I actually had my water supply replaced with premium butter so I can have a golden shower every morning.

We had to watch this movie called The Arrival today because I accidentally sat on my copy of Happy Gilmore and broke it. Actually, I think Killary broke it. But I figured "Hey, this movie oughta be good, nobody loves aliens more than me, I love them so much I marry them." But this movie was dumb, it was stupid, it made no sense and Amy Adams walks around in a big puffy suit with no makeup on, clearly she's a 3.5 because Jeremy Renner never once tries to grab her pussy.

These aliens land on Earth and it's way too easy so clearly we need to build a wall around our entire planet to stop these refugees from coming in from the sky. They look like calamari and talk in coffee rings, it makes no sense. This bad black hombre from Chicago just walks into Amy Adams house and starts ordering her around. Clearly he's from Hate Street where everybody is black and he's telling everyone what to do because he has no respect for superior white people. He's obviously the bad guy, I'm sure at some point in the movie he'll rape Amy, loot the alien craft and vote for Obama. Nobody is less racist than me though, so I'll keep watching just to prove me right.

So Amy had a hot daughter at some point, a 10 even when she was 5. But she gets sick and dies because her dumb mom didn't save up her money for her pre-existing condition and it's totally her fault because she can see the future and should have known this was going to happen, but she went out and bought iPhones anyway. Sad.

Actual scene from the movie.

Nobody tries to shoot at the aliens at all. If I had been president in this movie, I would have made the aliens pay for the guns and the bullets to kill them and fed all of the hungry people in the world on the smoking remains of their calamari because I'm the best humanitarian ever. But our military is depleted because this is the future that Liberals want: gay, coffee-ring talking Muslim squids. They're clearly a gay couple, they both have boy names and no visible pussies, just long squirty dick-things. Sad.

Finally some Republican hero gets it right and tries to blow up the immigrants aliens because clearly they want our jobs and to rape our women. That black guy from before tells his people to start looting and burning down the cities. I didn't actually see him do it, but he did, because that's all black people do. Sad. The alien homos back off about 40 paces and then Amy calls some Japanese dude and tells him she voted for Killary and loves sushi, even alien walking sushi from a gay planet, and he decides not to kill them. Nobody asks America what they want so this movie is totally dumb, I'm president and Japan isn't, APOLOGIZE!!!

Then Jeremy Renner - who is totally not a real man because he hasn't groped Amy once or pointed out her obvious 3.5 status - falls in love with Amy though you couldn't even tell because he doesn't even slip her the tongue or offer to shower her with his manly golden fluids. She starts dressing nicer, but she doesn't have much in the way of boobies and it's real hard for a flat chested woman to be hot.

I didn't get all of that time travel stuff because it was hard and I don't like to think, and after my third gallon tub of popcorn I was getting sleepy. There wasn't any sex in this movie, just one blowie-up part with explodey things and no part where I played myself, the president, and beat up all of those terrorist aliens with Ted Nugent and Sean Spicer backing me up. And why did the alien spaceship look like a segment of a Toblerone chocolate covered orange? Man I love those things. Orange is almost as good as gold, it's in the same color spectrum, I've seen orange pee, those Russian prostitutes love their asparagus.

I give this movie a 4, which is still more than Amy Adams.