Pffff, alright. I'm just going to admit it. I am not the world's biggest slasher film fan. I've seen most of them anyway, because I'm a horror fan and I simply can't
not watch a horror film. I've watched all of the
Halloween films at least once, and all of the
Elm Streets. I've sat through
The Prowler, My Bloody Valentine (original
and remake),
Prom Night, Happy Hell Night. I've seen the absolute shittiest, most formulaic, convoluted, blueprinted crapfests ever to be shit out onto celluloid (
Hell High, anyone?) There's even a few I really enjoyed, such as 1981's woefully underrated
Hell Night, starring Linda Blair, Linda Blair's boobs and a couple of uncredited German guys whose dialogue consists entirely of grunts and slightly more agitated grunts. But on the whole, I'm not impressed by sexually stunted man-children who trudge around listlessly, swinging a phallic weapon at the first screaming naked girl (or stupid, hormonal boy) who crosses their path. I can go to the meat dept. of Stop & Shop and stare at the beef grinder for two hours and be just as entertained.
But for whatever reason, the
Friday the 13th franchise has won my enduring love. I really don't know why. They're every bit as stupid, badly scripted, drunkenly plotted and predictable as any other Michael Kruger/Freddy Myers film. Honestly, I loved Freddy in the mid 80s, but after the fourth film he stopped being scary and became a cartoon. Watching Wile E. Coyote die several deaths during the course of a single six minute episode is not scary, and neither was Freddy by 1989.
Jason however is a different story. He hasn't softened, he's never been funny and no matter how ridiculous and/or spoofy the F13 franchise gets, Jason is never changed. He does not differentiate between holographic whores or the real thing. If it's there, and it holds still long enough (or even if it doesn't) he kills it. Well, unless it's a child or an animal. Jason has a moral code, no matter how infantile it may be. Freddy and Michael don't give a shit - Freddy specialized in butchering little girls, Michael strangled a goddamned dog in the first
Halloween - but Jason actually has a weird itinerary: kill anyone his mother would disapprove of, but if they bark, meow or haven't yet hit puberty, they're off the hook.
Anyway, it'd be very easy for me to reel off into an in-depth psychoanalysis of Jason Voorhees' oedipal complex, but I've had three NYD root beers and don't know where my thesaurus is so fuck it. Instead, I'll just list all of the F13 films in chronological order and name one good thing about them each - one redeeming quality that makes them worth a watch, even if you profess to hate slasher films...like I hypocritically just did, two paragraphs ago.
Friday the 13th
Year released: 1980.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: The late great Betsy Palmer, a pert, perky Robbi Morgan who gets killed off way too soon, Kevin Fucking Bacon, Crazy Ralph, Adrienne Goddamned King and Ari Lehman as little Jason.
Why you should watch it: Because it's a classic, even if it looks like shit now. It's
Halloween on steroids with tits and gore galore. And even though Betsy Palmer was reluctant to do this movie, and only did so because she needed the money for car repairs, she's a great slasher villain. Built like a Mack truck in a sweater, she plows through the film without working up a sweat, mowing down teenagers like I eat pretzel sticks. The scene in which she climbs on top of Adrienne King and starts slamming her face into the ground is hysterical, and makes me yearn for the days of lady wrestling flicks.
Friday the 13th, Part 2
Year released: 1981.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Adrienne King, a preemptive lobotomy, Betsy Palmer's freeze dried head, more disposable teenagers and Amy Steel.
Why you should watch it: The unapologetic slaughter of a totally helpless guy in a wheelchair, the extreme close-up shot of a tight bodied camp counselor getting slingshotted right in her bouncy ass, and Amy Steel's disgusted facial expression when she pulls on Mrs. Voorhees' rotted, stinky sweater.
Friday the 13th, Part 3
Year released: 1982.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: that soap opera chick who went all conservative Christian, Cheech Marin's 2nd cousin and a hockey mask.
Why you should watch it: For the Hockey mask, which Jason dons for the first time about an hour into this flick. It's also in 3D, so you get all of the following items shoved into your face: a pole, a machete, Dana Kimmel's ass, popcorn, a joint, an eyeball, another eyeball, a pitchfork and some other stuff. A ridiculously stereotypical motorcycle gang shows up for the sole purpose of being bumped off. A girl is pregnant for no reason at all. And the best kill scene award goes to: the idiot walking on his hands down the hall who gets an upside-down evisceration from groin to gut.
Friday the 13th, Part 4 (The Final Chapter)
Year released: 1984.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Corey Feldman, Crispin Glover, a 30s porno and a fat girl with a banana.
Why you should watch it:
That is all.
Friday the 13th, Part 5 (A New Beginning)
Year released: 1985.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Spider & Suicide from
Return of the Living Dead, Corey Feldman and an outhouse.
Why you should watch it: You shouldn't. There's an exception to every rule.
Friday the 13th, Part 6 (Jason Lives)
Year released: 1986.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: The other guy from
Return of the Living Dead, Horshack and a conveniently timed lightening storm.
Why you should watch it: Jason ripping Horshack's heart out is sublime revenge for those of us who lived through the 70s and suffered the inexplicable popularity of
Welcome Back Kotter.
Friday the 13th, Part 7 (The New Blood)
Year released: 1988.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Kane Fucking Hodder.
Why you should watch it: With Jason brought back from the dead and transformed into a supernatural undead, unkillable tank, he can no longer fall prey to the wimpy kicks of a Final Girl. He is now SuperJason, unable to be killed because he's already dead. Kane Hodder really makes Jason a frightening force, angry and determined, stomping through the woods and pumped up harder than a pro-wrestler. Nobody really gives a shit about Lar Park Lincoln's constantly sniffling Tina, but her Carrie White powers are the only thing that can withstand a Jason-sized battle. The scene in which she psychically snaps the straps on his hockey mask and he whirls around, infuriated, to reveal his half skeletonized, swamp-rotted, maggot eaten face with eyes full of hatred and a pissed off sneer - it's fucking horrifying.
Also, the sleeping bag scene is hilarious.
Friday the 13th, Part 8 (Jason Takes Manhattan)
Year released: 1989.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Kane Fucking Hodder, Lady Deathstrike and a toxic waste tsunami.
Why you should watch it: The Times Square scene. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, I won't ruin it for you.
Friday the 13th, Part 9 (Jason Goes To Hell)
Year released: 1993.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: Kane Fucking Hodder, Erin Gray and Freddy Krueger's fingerknives.
Why you should watch it: Well, if you've always wanted to know about Jason's family tree, this would be your film. But I admit, I've only seen this one once, and I was high at the time, but I remember the last scene as being made of Pure Fucking Awesome.
Jason X (aka Friday the 13th Part 10)
Year released: 2001.
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: recycled Alien sets, Kane Fucking Hodder and David Fucking Cronenberg
Why you should watch it: David Fucking Cronenberg. Also, I may be alone in my opinion here but I actually think Jason's metal body armor and futuristic, space-age hockey mask is kind of cool. He looks like the unholy spawn of Robo-Cop and Bane. Also also, the "Premarital Sex" scene is really fucking funny. It's the best part of the movie, spoofing the franchise but remaining faithful to Jason as a stone cold killing machine, uninterested in anything other than making meat bleed.
Freddy VS. Jason
Year released: 2003
Directed by: does anyone really give a shit?
Starring: NOT Kane Fucking Hodder, Freddy Kreuger, one of Destiny's children and Scut Farkus.
Why you should watch it: Because it's Freddy Versus Fucking Jason, that's why! You don't question this shit, you just go with it. Kelly Rowland's verbal bait scene with Freddy is pretty amusing, as is the throwaway line about the "pissed off goalie."I also appreciated the attempt to humanize Jason and make him sympathetic, just another child victim of Freddy's. Was it worth waiting 20 years for? Probably not. But it could have been a lot worse.
I haven't seen the remake yet.
Sue me.
The end.
