Salem's Lot (1979) VS. Salem's Lot (2004)

Remember when Made For TV movies were actually good? Back in the 70s, movies made for television were made just like real movies, with decent budgets, good writing, serious directors and solid casts. They started faltering a bit in the 80s, competing with the direct-to-video market. By the 90s they were pretty much shit. Now we have Sci-Fi channel Salutes to Schlock, cheap crap which isn't meant to be good, or taken seriously at all. Sharknado, anybody?

Things have definitely improved with cable TV in the 21st century: Game Of Thrones, The Walking Dead, The Strain, etc.

But really, some of the best movies made in the 70s were originally made for TV. Helter Skelter, The UFO Incident, Sybil, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, etc.  Capping off the decade was Tobe "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" Hooper's adaptation of Stephen King's 1975 vampire novel "Salem's Lot." Four hours long, part 1 of Salem's Lot aired on November 17th, 1979 and wrapped up on the 24th.

And then, almost predictably, it was remade in 2004. But first things first.

Salem's Lot

"The makeup and contact lenses were painful, but I got used to them.
I liked the money best of all." ~ Reggie Nalder, aka Kurt Barlow

Year released: 1979
Directed by: Tobe Hooper
Starring: Hutch, Bruce Willis's wife in Die Hard, James Mason, that floating fat man, the guy who was in The Maltese Falcon, Lew Ayres, Geoffrey Lewis, and that kid who went all Jesus Freaky and ended up getting caught falsifying documents to obtain food stamps in Hawaii, even though he owned three houses there.

The Good:

Very atmospheric, spooky and nihilistic as hell. The acting (most of it, anyway) is top notch. And frankly, I was happy to see King's Barlow transformed from a Euro Trash Lugosi hamola into a far more frightening rat faced, corpse-hued, animalistic parasite with a set of fangs right of The Big Book of British Smiles. Though he had all of five minutes screen time total, the late great Nalder's incarnation of Barlow is horrifically unforgettable. I know I was not the only person who peed themselves a little when he popped up out of the darkness for the first time, hissing like a scalded demon with a cobra shoved up its ass.

Nalder was a horror movie staple, showing up in such films as The Man Who Knew Too Much, The Bird With The Crystal Plumage, The Manchurian Candidate and Mark of the Devil, always playing a sinister villain.  His name did not appear in the cast of credits of Salem's Lot, so I spent a good twenty years wondering who the hell had played Kurt Barlow. Ultimately, thank god for the internet.

Considering this was 1979, the special effects/makeup effects are awesome! Corpse white vampires with glowing golden eyes, floating dreamily in fog banks outside of bedroom windows. No bullshit sparkly pants poetry reading creepy stalker heartthrob bloodsuckers here... just ruthless predators with no sense of humor and a vicious disdain for Jesus.

James Mason as Straker - the Renfield to Barlow's Dracula - is sublime: slick and gleefully evil, immaculate as a mortician in his pressed black suit, clearly enjoying the hell out watching all things good and holy turn into a smoking pile of corrupted ruin.

The Bad:

Yeah, it's very seventies. Bad hair, terrible fashions, all that shit. But hey, it was the seventies.

Lance Kerwin could not act. He was awful. I hated his Mark Petrie, stuffy and pompous, reeking of  jackassery even at the age of twelve (although I think Kerwin was more like 19 when he landed this role). I wish Barlow had ripped him open like a couch cushion. I cheered when Ben threw him across the basement and into a utility shelf with bone-rattling force, because it looked like it really hurt. God I hope that wasn't a stunt double. I wish Straker had rammed an antler up his butt. How did this kid ever have a film career?

Salem's Lot

Year released: 2004
Directed by: Mikael Salomon
Starring: Rob (b)Lowe(me), Donald Sutherland, Rutger Hauer, Samantha Mathis, James Cromwell and Dan Byrd.

The Good:

Thank gaaaawwd, this movie is 100% Lance Kerwin free. In the role of Mark Petrie this time around is Dan Byrd, a young man whose skill I have admired for many years. I think he's criminally underrated, giving amazing performances in less-than-amazing films. I wish people would stop confusing him with Kyle Gallner, another very good actor who also gets shit films. Seriously - somebody give these guys something to work with. Talent - they has it.

The Bad:

Every single fucking thing else about this shit bomb of a remake.

I hate to draw comparisons between originals and remakes, feeling that every film should be judged on its own merit...but this film lacked a soul, no pun intended. Where the original film gave us a Peyton Place of Paranoia, a Gothic haunted town tale and characters who were so much like us that we could forgive them their flaws and transgressions, this film is cold and distant. The majority of the characters are ugly and often downright despicable. Instead of bored housewives having flings, we have child abusers blackmailing doctors and rich real estate agents molesting their daughters. This movie is filled with soulless vampires alright...the kind we see yakking on their cell phones at the grocery store every day.

Much the same is spoken by Rutger Hauer, who plays Head Vampire Kurt Barlow. His portrayal of Barlow as a well spoken European aristocrat is perhaps truer to the novel than the 79 version which featured Reggie Nalder as a shocking blue skinned rat-faced Nosferatu-monster. But Hauer looked more like Gorgeous George than a centuries old bloodsucker, and his impossible hairstyle kept distracting me from whatever menace he was trying to project. By the time he shows up on screen, we don't give a damn what happens to the town. And we're not sure why the hell Ben wants to save it when it hasn't exactly welcomed him home with open arms. Some mumbo-jumbo about wanting to put his childhood fears to rest and be a man instead of a coward. Whatever. After slogging through an hour or two of unscary vampires (who lurch slowly and clumsily through the streets of the town like a horde of zombies - what, did they forget this was Salems Lot and start doing a Romero film instead???) our heroes finally face Barlow, and couple of really ugly subordinates and Ben's love interest, who has discovered that immortality magically crimps your hair and applies Maybelline.


Bitch, please.