Vaun was a Sure Shot

(and anybody who gets that title reference gets a gold star)

So, remember about a year ago when I shit all over The Strain? Well, I never did get past the third episode...until last week. Actually, I ended up watching it all over again from the first episode because I finally picked up a secondhand copy of the book in late January, and then I got stuck with jury duty in early February, the first day of which was six and a half hours of sitting in the jury lounge with nothing to do. I read the entire book in one fucking day, that's how long and dull it was. The day, that is, not the book. Those of you who own a paperback copy of the book know that it is roughly the size, shape and approximate weight of a brick of heroin. Yeah, I read the whole thing in one day. Be impressed by me, dammit.

So after I read it, I decided "Okay, Scream Queens is over. Dead Files season 8 is nowhere to be found streaming and Ash VS. The Evil Dead just flat out sucked. I'll try watching The Strain again." And so I did. And I still wasn't impressed. Sure, there were some cool moments here and there. The six foot python tongue being pulled out of the dead vampire was a particularly lovely, gag-reflex-testing moment. But the only character I really gave a shit about was Gus, the Hispanic ex-convict thug who loves his mommy. Everybody else annoyed me.

Until this fucker showed up.

"Come to me."

Right in the middle of an upper class suburban afternoon, when stereotypical Jamaican (or Haitian, or whatever) big nanny momma and her Americanized adult daughter attempt to remove rich whitebread kids from their home so bitchy, overly-permed lawyer mom won't turn them into vampires. Right when you think everyone is about to be turned into lunchmeat, in walks this guy in full SWAT gear and mows down every single mutherfucking python tongued, worm infested asshole in sight. He's got a face like dried library paste smeared all over an uncooked hamburger patty and then run over repeatedly by a Humvee, an overlapping lizardy Joker mouth and two hamster teeth right smack in the middle of the whole mess. But he's got a fucking Uzi and he's a total badass ninja Unabomber-hoodied half vampire slayer who stops the scary gunfire long enough to reassure the frightened children and send them safely on their way...and then blows Americanized, disbelieving daughter the fuck out of this universe with a single, lightening fast shot. No fucking around with the pew-pew-pews here, just WHAM, thunk, shut up mom. Your daughter was infected, now she's not. GTFO and take the kids with you.

And I was immediately in love.

And why the hell wouldn't I be? Mr. SWAT black ops vigilante vampire dude has swagguh.He doesn't wear velvet and lace, spouts no poetry, never fucking sparkles and really doesn't give a shit what you think about him. He doesn't kill people, only vampires. He's blunt and doesn't waste time bullshitting or posturing. Just shut up and follow him if you want to live. He's the goddamned Daryl Dixon of the vampire plague apocalypse.

He partners up with Gus, recruiting both him and Setrakian into his personal army of Master hunting, vampire slaughtering badasses, but only after bitch slapping Gus to the ground and casually telling Setrakian to shut up. He speaks for The Masters, three ancient master vampires who live underground and sleep a lot. He's hip, he's cool, he's The Bomb Diggity as the kids like to say. He's gearing up to be a strong, vital member of the band of survivors currently cowering in Setrakian's pawn shop. I finished season 1 and eagerly clicked on season 2. I couldn't wait to see the cast's reaction to this humanized immortal.

WTF you guys, I thought you liked me?

And Season 2, Episode 3, they fucking killed him off.

The best and most interesting character with the most potential and a backstory yet to be revealed, and they incinerate him in episode 3, just as we're getting used to him, starting to really like and respect him, anticipating the expansion of his role and his quippy dialogue.

You assholes. HE WAS THE ONLY REASON I WAS GOING TO KEEP WATCHING YOUR MEDIOCRE SHOW!!! Now I'm done. And no, I don't care about Quinlan. He's not Vaun. Fuck all of you writers for killing him off. Yes, even you Guillermo del Toro, whom I loved with all my heart up until last night. You blew it BIG TIME!

You all had better find a way to resurrect Vaun or I will hate you forever.
The end.