The 2015 Annie's

Fuck the Oscars. Here's the Sex Pistols The Annie's.

CATEGORY ~ Creepiest, Ickiest, Most "I-need-a-scalding-hot-shower-right-the-fuck-now" Scene.
WINNER ~ Samuel L. Jackson for The Hateful Eight:

Major Marquis Warren: Beggin' for his life, your boy told me his whole Life Story. And YOU, was in that story General. And when I knew me I had the son, of the Bloody Nigger Killer of Baton Rouge, I knew me I was gonna have some fun! It was COLD the day I killed your boy. And I don't mean snowy mountain in Wyoming cold... Colder than that. And on that cold day, with your boy at the business end of my gun barrel... I made him STRIP. Right down to his bare ass. Then I told him to start walkin'. I walked his naked ass for two hours... 'fore the cold collapsed him. Then he commits to beggin' again. But this time, he wasn't beggin' to go home. He knew he'd never see his home again. And he wasn't beggin' for his life neither, 'cause he knew that was long gone. All he wanted, was a BLANKET. Now don't judge your boy too harshly, General. You ain't never been cold as your boy was that day. You'd be surprised; what a man that cold, would-do-for-a-blanket. You wanna know what your boy did? I pulled my BIG, BLACK, PECKER outta my pants. And I made him crawl in the snow on all fours over to it. Then I grabbed a handful of that black hair at the back of his head... And I stuck my Big Black Johnson right down his goddamn throat! And it was fulla' blood... so it was warm. Oh, you bet your sweet ass it was warm. And Charles Chester Smithers sucked on that warm black dingus for as loong as he could. Hahahaahaha! Startin' to see pictures, ain't ya?

CATEGORY ~ Frylock's "Clone something too many times, and the molecular structure will break down" Award.
WINNER - Paranormal Activity - The Ghost Dimension.

Seriously. Stop making this movie over and over and over again. Just...stop it.


CATEGORY ~ Most Garbly, Unintelligible Line of Dialogue Delivered by Tom Hardy.
WINNER ~ Tom Hardy for The Revenant.

This is from The Revenant, right?

What he actually said: "You came all this way just for your revenge, huh? Did you enjoy it, Glass?... 'Cause there ain't nothin' gon' bring your boy back."

What I heard: "Goo kimb oll fway jis feyoh venge rrugh? Joo injowit, Glz? Cuzair nt nuddn gun briner bobeck."


CATEGORY ~ Break Out Role in the Latest Star Wars Sequel/Prequel/Remake/Update.
WINNER ~ Sadie Swenson, aka Billie Lourd, daughter of Princess Leia and Charles Manson, for Scream Queens.

"I have bathroom shame issues. I always wait until everyone is asleep and then I sneak down to poop in the little powder room downstairs. That way, no one will disturb me. I usually wait a week or so between movements so it can be kind of an intense workout. I sweat a lot."

CATEGORY ~ The Most Unnecessary Horror Remake That Nobody Bothered to Watch Anyway.
WINNER ~ Poltergeist.

Sorry kid. Nobody cares.

CATEGORY ~ Best Vampire Who Doesn't Sparkle, or Wear Velvet, or Speak with a Romanian Accent, or Spout Poetry, or Look Like a Calvin Klein Underwear Model.
WINNER ~ Stephen McHattie as Vaun in The Strain.

Setrakian: You're the idiot brother of the man child who stole my clock.
Gus: (indignant) I gave you back your clock.
Vaun: Okay, shut up. Let's go.

CATEGORY ~ Best Trailer
WINNER ~ 10 Cloverfield Lane

Alright Va-JJ Abrams. You've already managed to fuck up 11.22.63, so do NOT fuck this one up. There had better be a giant insectoid Godzilla monster in this flick or you are fired from life.


CATEGORY ~ The Most Headdesk, Facepalm Display of Stupidity in a Horror Movie Committed by Characters Who Know Something is Wrong but Decide to Poke it with a Stick Anyway.
WINNER ~ We Are Still Here.

Female Characters: "Okay husbands, we are leaving for a while to buy some alcohol, because getting drunk in a house where demonic ghosts are hanging out is such a great idea. NO SEANCES while we're gone!"

Male Character to Other Male Character: "Hey, they're gone! Let's have a seance!"

CATEGORY ~ Best Actor
WINNER ~ Black Phillip, aka Charlie the Goat, aka Satan of The Witch.

aka Wahab Choudry, aka holy SHIT YES, I will remove my shift and smear myself in butter for a chance to live deliciously with you, lovely horny goat man. Guide my hand, baby. "What dost thou want?" Seriously? You can't guess? Hummina hummina hummina. I wanna be a Witch! Sign me the fuck up and give me a goat!