Dark Was The Night (2014)

Alrighty then! Sunday morning and more snow on the way, Groundhog be fucked. I'm still in my pajamas and don't plan on leaving the house until tomorrow, so I say it's movie time. My friend Christine recommended Dark Was The Night, which she described as underrated. My friend Sheena described it as "meh" so let's see what I think.

Directed by the guy who produced Bone Tomahawk. Which I haven't seen yet. So I'm not sure why I'm bringing it up.

Starring Lukas Haas? Oh god.

Also starring Kevin Durand, who I know I've probably seen in some other stuff, but right now I find his face kind of annoying. He looks like he just polished off a whole tin of pot brownies by himself and can't remember where he left the TV remote. He's playing the Sheriff of Northern Podunk, recently separated from his wife and sharing custody of their son Adam. Haas is his deputy. Podunk's primary industry seems to be the clear cutting and complete deforestation of Maiden Woods.

So, whilst the little town slept, something big walked through it, leaving behind muddy footprints that are almost as freakishly large as Haas's ears. Seriously, if the wind picks up, little Lukie is at risk of becoming airborne.

Anyway, the footprints are, like, big. Really big. It's bipedal and hoofed. And it's eating horses, deer and dogs and loggers, oh my. My guess is: a really large faun, a velociraptor or Krampus. Possibly Ents. Or maybe Joe Don Baker.

The town's population has gathered at the local grocery store to worry about things and stare at the Sheriff. Does this town not have cable or internet?

So far, I am reminded of such films as Prophecy, Wendigo, The New Daughter, Predator, the book of Exodus and that really horrible movie with Katie Holmes about the fairies and the baby teeth.

Cue ancient Indian legend, via the quarter Shawnee bartender.

So apparently the Sheriff had another son, who died six months previous. Not sure how yet, or how it pertains to the creature in the woods, or even if it does. It does, however, explain why everyone gets quiet when the Sheriff walks in/by and stares at him like he has an extra foot growing out of his face. Because that's how you deal with grief stricken people: stare at them like they have the plague.

K so, the other son died in a freak accident while Daddy Sheriff was watching him and he blames himself and that's why he's all messed up inside and possibly getting a divorce that neither he nor his wife really want. But wait...how do you hit your head on the bottom of a kiddie pool and die? Aren't those things made out of inflatable plastic? Was the kids head made out of cotton balls?

Wendigo! Totally called it! Boo Yah!

Hang food in trees out of reach of bears.

Severe weather bulletin: there is a huge and deadly winter storm heading straight for Maiden Woods, the entire population of which must evacuate immediately to avoid being killed by the subsequent snow, ice and cold winds. And by evacuation we mean, dawdle around and go about your daily routine and ignore this emergency weather bulletin. Thank you.

So no one has reported those loggers from the prologue missing? Nobody found the blood splattered SUV and the severed arm? Nobody noticed that those hunters never came back?

How is it even possible that Larry Fessenden isn't in this?

Oh okay, the loggers were slaughtered in a different county. Gotcha. My bad. I wasn't patient enough.

Movie, I am gonna punch you right in the pancreas. There's a bigass monster in your house, and you're like pretty sure it's gone, but you tell your only surviving son to "Stay here" and "lock the door behind you" because you'll be "right back?" Why don't you just put him in a mini skirt in high heels and tell him to run for it? I don't even care that it worked out in your favor. You never say such a thing in a horror movie!

Sheriff decides that the whole town - all 16 of them - should spend the night in the church. Not sure yet who's been elected to hang a sign outside the doors saying: "ALL VICTIMS CONVENIENTLY GATHERED IN ONE SPOT! ALL YOU CAN EAT MEAT!"

No kid draws or prints this neatly. Sorry.

Teary eyed admission of guilt, forgiveness from loving wife = time for the monsters to start pounding on the church doors, aww yeah.

Whaddaya MEAN you won't all fit in the basement? You got room for a fucking sock hop in here! And a weenie roast. AND a forty piece band! You could rent out the corners as luxury condos!

Other movies that this movie is reminding me of: Jurassic Park, The Fog, The 13th Warrior, Pumpkinhead, The Unnameable, Ninja Assassin, Three Coins in the Fountain... I may have made a few of those up.

What the fuck is that? The Hulk with a turtle head?

Well, I definitely wouldn't put this in with the worst movies I've ever seen, but I wouldn't put it in with the best either. Still not sure what the dead kid had to do with anything. Was the family drama subplot an attempt to make us feel more sympathy for the white people whose clear cutting practices and industrialization of every last inch of virgin land led to the destruction of the natural habitats of thousands of indigenous species, thereby forcing this normally reclusive creature out into the open where it reacts with justifiable anger, much like a bear who has been poked with a stick? Because it didn't work.

Therefore, I relished the final scene of this film, which reveals the existence of dozens of these turtle faced fuckers, crawling all over the church and eager for some Yokel face munching. Good riddance and the hell with every last one of you. I hope you all end up as Wendigo doo crapped out all over the forest floor.