King of Dogs

"A direwolf's no pet. Get her a dog. She'll be happier for it."
~ Robert Baratheon, Game Of Thrones, Season 1 Episode 2 The King's Road

Finally! Sandor Clegane, aka The Hound, aka Dog, aka The Man Who Will Eat Every Fucking Chicken in the Room, aka The Mountain's kid brother, aka Hamburger Half Face (ok, I made that last one up) is back! They made us wait for over a year, tried to make us believe he was dead, but we knew better. Partly because most of us have read the books and were aware of The Gravedigger, mostly because this is Game Of Thrones and nobody is dead unless you see them utterly dismembered and burnt to ashes...and even then I wouldn't bet on it. But even though I know this series will not have a happy ending, because no matter who wins, someone we like will have to die, and they're all going to be ripped apart by White Walkers anyway, so, yeah, Valar Morghulis baby - I must now issue my firm warning to the show's writers and George RrrrrRRRrRr Martin: do NOT kill The Hound off until he at least completes the following two three tasks:

#1 - Kill Ramsey Bolton.

Notsorry.

Ramsey Bolton must die. Obviously. We all thought that Prince Joffrey was the smuggest, vilest, most narcissistic little crybaby bitch-diaper pussy jerkstick with a face like an egg-sucking inflamed butt pucker post diarrhea talking hemorrhoid ever to mince around Westeros in his foppy silks and velvets like an effeminate lawn gnome with a terminal case of bitchface. But Ramsey Bolton proved that there's always someone ten times worse. Everyone loves to hate Ramsey Bolton, the bastard born of a rape who is such a monumental doucheplug sadistic shitbag that he feeds his stepmom and newborn baby brother to his ferocious pack of pissed off dogs. But before that, we had to suffer the offscreen spectacle of Ramsey Bolton's vicious rape of Sansa Stark, a virgin at the time. We may not have seen it, but we had the set-up: Sansa bent over a bedpost with Theon Greyjoy acting as audience to what sounds like a Class A, frat boy quality brutal reaming of her untouched orifices, the only soundtrack Sansa's weeping howls and Ramsey's fierce grunts. Barf-o-rama.

So how fitting would it be to see the Dog Master killed by The Hound? Ramsey must die. Like the Dothraki chicks like to say: "It is known." And we're all in agreement that his death must be horrible. But we're also in unspoken agreement that his demise must not only be the snuffing out of his soul-candle, but must also crush him spiritually. We want to see him dwarfed. We want to see him cry like a blubbery little pisspants bitch, begging for his life with a kiddie river of snot running from his nose. We want to see him crushed, flattened, squished into oblivion. So who better to do it than The Hound, an immense meatplow of a man who also happens to have some serious squish-feelings for Sansa? He protected her from Joffrey, now he must avenge her for Ramsey. What the hell else does he have to do? Well...

#2 - Get the Sansa Hook Up

Come on, already. He's never been touched by a woman without an exchange of gold or silver (or dragonmetal or whatever the hell passes for currency in that fucking fantasy world) having taken place first. And every single sexual experience Sansa has ever had (with the exception of that really yucky kiss she shared with Littlefinger, which doesn't count because ICKY!) has been violent, unwanted and resulted in masses of bruises. The only man in Westeros who has ever treated Sansa with genuine reverence is The Hound. I'm not saying "Oh please, let's let them get married, won't we? And then they can adopt Arya and set up house in a tidy little Hobbit cottage and raise seven kids." because I know that's not gonna happen. I don't even necessarily want to see that happen. But can they at least kiss? Maybe make some consensual, enjoyable sex before they both inevitably die? Can we just have that one little thing? Geez, Daenarys got some dick action from Daario, Yara Greyjoy is fucking the tits off of some buxom barmaid, let Sansa have a little action for once. I mean, good action. Let her find out what multiple orgasms are. Jeez.

#3 - Kill The Mountain

Somebody also had to kill The Mountain. He's a brute, a rapist, a killer. And although his presence in season 5 as Cersei's silent Sherman Tank has been amusing, he has to be killed. Violently. By someone with a good reason to kill him. Who better than The Hound, whose face was turned into pizza by Gregor Clegane when they were kids? And for those of us who read the books, it's suspected that he may have done away with their only other sibling, an unnamed sister, whom I suspect survived and became Brienne of Tarth, quite frankly. But regardless, The Mountain has won too many times and must pay with his life.

That's it. That's all I want. So don't fuck this up, Game Of Thrones. You take take take and force us to watch Red Weddings and Door Holdings, you gotta give a little in return. Do the three aforementioned things for me, and I will shut up forever after, amen. Kill whoever you want, just give The Hound some love, you fuckers.

“Evil indeed is the man who has not one woman to mourn him.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Hound of the Baskervilles