DecemDumb

Long story short: I've been duped twice this week already. And it's only fucking Tuesday. I posted an article on Sunday about the upcoming film Fury of the Demon, a documentary about a lost film of the same name, one of the 527 films churned out by 19th century magician and filmmaker George Melies. I was pretty sure it was bullshit, mostly because the film is not listed among Melies accomplishments. But I held out hope. I am a Pisces after all. I want to believe. But alas, it turns out that my friends at FilmBizarro already covered this one and revealed that while the documentary (mockumentary) is well done and definitely worth a watch, the "lost film" angle is bullshit. Fury of the Demon does not exist, anymore than La Fin Absolute Du Monde does.

Then, last night, after finishing a long Monday shift at work, I came home to the startling news that TOOL was set to release a brand new, 2.5 hours long masterpiece entitled Decem. I had no reason not to believe that this was anything other than true. They've been due for a new album for, what, like 37 years now? In the 26 years that TOOL has been a thing, they have released exactly 4 albums. Much like Mayhem after the release of Deathcrush, TOOL seemingly lives on reputation alone. They will not confirm nor deny. They refuse to be pinned down and cannot be forced to produce. They will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. Demands for a new TOOL album are met with dismissive "Fuck you's." And yet, those Fuck You's are taken quite well by TOOL fans. They're almost expected. They're very nearly treasured, like little handfuls of golden shit dropped down from the holy ass of the all knowing Buddha in Fuck You Nirvana.

Maynard James Keenan, TOOL lead singer, grape wrangler, life sized kabuki doll, curmudgeonly recluse and The Fucking Man (little buddy) is a sadistic bastard who loves fucking with the heads of his fans. His response to the rumors about the soon-to-maybe-or-maybe-not-be-released studio album was one word: "#dumb"

Now, most people took this typical one word response to mean that Maynard was saying that the rumors were stupid and therefore not to be believed. However, the word "dumb" has various meanings.

#1 - lacking the human power of speech
#2 - not expressed in uttered words
#3 - lacking some usual attribute or accompaniment; especially : having no means of self-propulsion
 #4 - mute, silent, inarticulate
#5 - Act/play dumb (= pretend to be stupid or not to know something).

Maybe that was Maynard's way of saying "no comment." Maybe he was sending a covert message to the poster, telling them to shut up and not wreck the surprise. Or maybe by denying, he's actually confirming, because that's just what he would do, being a sadistic bastard and all. Hard to believe that someone who uses words like Lateralus and Parabola would be satisfied with four letters and a single syllable. But what the fuck do I know? He also has songs entitled Hooker With A Penis and Jerk-Off.

But fuck it. I've already been screwed over once this week and am feeling stupid anyway, so I think I'll just opt for absolute stubborn denial today and decide that the new TOOL album is real, will be coming out soon and will answer all the questions I've ever had about Life, the Universe and Everything. Also, it will be recorded in Smell-O-Vision and will release the sweet scent of honey, cinnamon buns and vanilla extract every time it is played. Also also, Maynard will read this and decide I'm the brilliantist, most articulate TOOL fan in the whole wide world and will give me free concert tickets for life and reserve a permanent guest room for me at his place. Even though I've already lived in Arizona and would frankly rather jam a leafblower up my ass than return, potential beachfront property or no.

This is the alleged track list, according to Some Person on Reddit.
I hate Reddit, but let's play the "This is Real" game for a few.
Take the alleged title of the alleged album: "Decem."
(also, I need a synonym for "alleged" because I'm already tired of typing it.)

"What the fuck is that?"

Disc 1:
1. Abscissa (13:47)
2. The Awakening (12:03)
3. Gematria (Act I) (14:33)
4. Regresolution (13:56)
5. Divinotus (12:45)
6. Astral (Act II) (12:21)

Disc 2:
7. Descending (13:53)
8. Decem (12:22)
9. Lesous (Act III) (12:43)
10. Principles of March (12:01)
11. Pascal’s Wager (13:46)
12. Zeta (Act IV) (14:27)

These all totally look like words that Maynard would use. Don't they? Mathematical, obscure, etc.
The word "Decem" literally means "Ten."
The Roman Numeral for 10 is X.
The first track of the album is Abscissa.
The word "Abscissa" means the number whose absolute value (modulus) is the perpendicular distance of a point from the vertical axis. The word "abscissa" (Latin; "linea abscissa", "a line cut off") has been used at least since De Practica Geometrie published in 1220 by Fibonacci (Leonardo of Pisa), its use in its modern sense may be due to Venetian mathematician Stefano degli Angeli in his work Miscellaneum Hyperbolicum, et Parabolicum of 1659. It can also refer to the horizontal or "X" axis.

(I have no idea what any of that means because I suck at math. Maynard James Keenan, however, is a math whiz. I also highlighted Fibonacci because Lateralus, and Parabolicum because DUH)

This proves nothing and is totally meaningless!

The word Gematria is defined as a system of alphanumeric codes later adopted into Jewish culture that assign numerical value to a word/name/phrase in the belief that words or phrases with identical numerical values bear some relation to each other or bear some relation to the number itself as it may apply to Nature, a person's age, the calendar year, or the like.

(Again, ALL THE MATHS!)

The word Lesous is not a word, but rather a name. Is could either be Zeus, or Jesus, or both.

Pascal's Wager. Here, I found a cartoon!

I have no idea what the fuck any of this means.
This article is totally pointless.
I just want a new TOOL album, is that so wrong?
And although there is no pre-order option for "Decem" on iTunes (yet) still I choose to believe.
Because I'm a stupid, belligerent fucker.
Goddammit.