Wednesday, October 12, 2016

PigHeaded

Yeah, so, my life is weird and somehow, the subject of pig heads in horror movies came up the other day. I think my BFAM (Brutha Frum Anutha Mutha) Erik asked me if I'd seen The Butcher Boy, which I haven't because it's on my ever-growing list of "Movies I Want To See Before I Die But I'm Always Too Fucking Busy." Then, when I went to work the next day, my boss asked me if I'd ever seen Motel Hell, to which I responded: "Like, yah, duh! It's totally awesome!" And then, like, it totally turns out that she'd watched it because, like American Horror Story is doing this, like, total thing this season about a guy with a gnarly pig head and I was like "No way!" And she was like "Iknowright?" And we were like trippendicular like omg all over the place, fer shure.

(EDITORS NOTE: I am drunk. Narrangansett White Ship, bitches, all up in here...or whatever.)

So, without further a-doo-doo, Imma list all the movies I can think of that feature people wearing pigs masks or pig heads, because I can. And yeah, I'm sure I left out several dozen but feel free to write your own damn list.

The Dancing Pig
Year released: 1907
I have no idea what this movie is about and I don't really care. It features a guy in a full pig costume dancing around all a-jiggly. Pretty realistic pig costume considering it was over a hundred years ago.



Haxan 
Year released: 1922
This movie really has nothing at all to do with pigs. It's about witches, and what stupid people in Ye Olden Days used to think they did for funsies, like sucking goaty devil cock and/or eating babies. But there's at least one scene in it where...well, duh, look at the picture. It's two guys in pig head masks. And it's obvious they're totally Satanic. Because pig heads.


Motel Hell
Year released: 1980
Meat's meat, and a man's gotta eat. It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters and, frankly, there's too many people in the world and not enough food. Now this takes care of both problems at the same time! Although Vincent sometimes wonders about the karmic implications of his actions. As well he should, after admitting to using preservatives.

Butcher Boy 
Year released: 1997
Ireland. Drunk people. Catholic priests molesting little boys. For fuck's sake Francie, no wonder you've got a feckin' pigs head on yer neck stump!

Saw
Year released: 2004
Incredibly unlikable people are smashed over the head by what looks like Cher in a pigs mask, then wake up in locked, windowless rooms with a puppet on a tricycle. Memorable as the only half decent film by James Wan, who would go on to do the wretched Insidious films.



Pork Chop 
Year released: 2010
I have no idea what this movie was about and I can't even be fucked to go look it up on IMDb or Wikipedia. I don't care. It has a guy with a pigs head in it. Done.


The Blood Lands
(aka White Settlers)
Year released: 2014
Something about a yuppie couple relocating from London to a farmhouse in Scotland and blahblahblah, Pig Mask. 

Berkshire County
Year released: 2014
Not to be confused with Madison County. What is it with Bumblefuck cowtown Counties and people in pig masks?

Madison County
Year released: 2011
I know I watched this film but I can't remember fuckall about it, except that it's an unimaginative slasher with a tepid plot and paper doll characters. There are also no bridges in it. Just a guy in a pigs head walking around with an axe, killing people for whatever reason guys with axes and pigs heads kill people. Should have starred Kane Hodder axing Clint Eastwood to death while Meryl Streep watches. 

Necromentia
Year released: 2009
Weirdo Hellraiser ripoff about weird people conjuring weird demons to kill other weird people and another guy who gets turned into a demon for reasons I can't remember right now because I saw this film eleventy thousand years ago and all I can remember is a really, morbidly obese man nicknamed - of course - Mr. Skinny, doing a weirdly seductive dance on a slightly creepier version of Peewee's Playhouse on channel 666. Oh, and he's wearing a pigs mask. With nasogastric tubing shoved into his snout holes.

The Butcher
Year released: 2007
Fucking disgusting and totally pointless Vomit-O-Rama pseudo snuff film about a bunch of creeps who earn a sordid living by kidnapping random people off the streets, strapping POV cams to their heads and then raping and torturing the shit out of them for a while before finally slaughtering them and selling the films to people like Charlie Sheen or something.

The Bunny Game
Year released: 2011
Sicko pervy scuzzface truck driver kidnaps coke-addled prostitute, drives her out into desert, chains her up, tortures her, forces her to wear a bunny mask and himself dons a black leather sado fetish zipperhead hogs mask. Because Creepy. Seriously. I talked to the guy who played the trucker in this movie. Once. ONE time. He freaked me out without the pig mask. I don't know how Roddie did it, but damn.

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