Halloween Conformity & Paranoia

 Oh boy, look what I found this morning in my search for vintage Halloween propaganda! This little gem is straight outta 1977 and is brought to you by Centron productions, whose educational films found their way into classrooms throughout the 60s and 70', bearing such titles as Basic Hand Tools: Screwdrivers, Hammers, Pliers, Wrenches, or Simple Techniques in Shaping Glass. And lets not forget the action packed, adrenaline pumping thriller of 1976: Uhh! Whoosh! and Thud! Science in Throwing and Catching! Wow, it was the third grade educational version of The Terminator, I tellya.

But it 1977, Centron outdid themselves with this instructional 11 minute long gorefest, aimed at those burgeoning GenExers who dared think they could stray from the norm and do as they damn well pleased. Entitled "Halloween Safety" it is a grim tutorial about how fun and individualism are the paths to death and Communism. Let's review, won't we?

Yes, can you see what makes it dangerous? This little girl thinks it's a gas to dress up like a witch. Why, it's cool! It's the bomb diggity! What she doesn't know, however, is that by donning a wise woman's garb she is condemning herself to a spinsterhood filled with cats and expired coupons. Everyone knows that celebrating your womanhood is akin to sacrificing babies and spit-roasting them while you partake in a frenzied goat orgy.

Susie learns a hard lesson in life. Her skirt was too long, so she tripped and fell and dropped her candy in the gutter. It's a sign of things to come, as Susie - who insists upon independence and self expression - will grow up to enjoy more lethal varieties of "candy" and who will inevitably stumble into the gutter again and again.

Seriously though, why the hell is six year old Susie allowed to wander around in the dark alone? Where the fuck are her parents?

Yet again, it's a sign of things to come. Susie has only herself to blame for those bumps and bruises. If she hadn't gone out alone, dressed the way she was in her dark, loose clothing, at night, she wouldn't have gotten all of those bumps and bruises. But no, Slutty Susie just has to have the candy that all the guys want to give her. That trashy little Jezebel. Don't kick that broom, Susie. It's not the broom's fault you're an irresponsible tart with a tawdry sweet tooth. If you had dressed nicer, this wouldn't have happened.

Yes. Always print your full name, home address and phone number in LARGE, CLEAR letters on your goodie bag. That way, all of the registered sex offenders will know where to find you later. Hey, while you're at it, just print the family's schedule on there too, so they know when you'll be home alone, eating Pop-Tarts and watching reruns of The Brady Bunch while you do your homework. Make it easy for them. 

GEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAGH!!! Omg, mom modeled for that witch mask, didn't she?This shot was taken just after Mrs. Gargoyle there cut the eyeholes in Susie's mask a little larger so Stupid Susie wouldn't trip and fall on her ass so much while she Trick or Treats. Mom clearly has no intention of chaperoning Susie on her candy quest, because Mom's face turns the neighbors to stone. She has a date with a pack of Marlboro menthols and a bottle of Popov. Mom resents the fact that Susie has dressed up like her, and so tosses the mask in the trash, hoping her husband won't see it and mistake Susie for his FrankenBride.

Susie is understandably upset, realizing the fate that awaits her. Someday, she's going to grow up and look just like mom. Mom tries to dress her up as a YIELD sign but Susie would prefer to masquerade as a cat's anus. This will be the first of many disagreements between Susie and mom, culminating in a bitter divide in 1993 when Susie changes her name to Bambi and takes a job as a topless dancer at a strip club called The Pink Pussy, and mom kicks her out because she's tired of finding the shower drain clogged up with pole wax, body glitter and pubes.

Susie's fate is certain. All she needs now are fishnets and fuck-me pumps.

Who the hell is this kid and why is he dressing up as 70s porno cokehead John Holmes in a karate class? Or is he supposed to be Obi Wan Fu Manchu? Seriously, what the shit is this? Is this Susie's brother? Did Susie's parents have a baby while Susie was out tripping balls in the gutter? What the fuck kind of a shit costume is this?

Oh wait...maybe it's Gene Shalit.

This narrator likes to say "Yeah" a lot. This is at least the 7th and 8th "Yeah" since the film started. It's kind of creepy. Like wow man, yeah.

That's right, Susie. No boy will ever want to date an ugly old witch dressed all in black. (Well, except for your mom). Who cares what YOU wanted to be for Halloween? You're going to be what we tell you to be! Get used to this shit, Susie. The rest of your life will be dictated by society. We will tell you what's appropriate and what isn't. Conform, Susie. You cannot be a witch. You have to be a fucking Princess. Quit crying and deal with it. Also, it's "witch" not "which." Who the hell subtitled this?

Yep. Truth. Adults will forbid your any and all attempt to express yourself by forcing you to dress like a goddamned Princess when you specifically wanted to be a witch. Next year, they'll nix your plans to join the chess club and forcibly enroll you in the Sweet Little Treacle Queen Beauty Pageant. Put down that library book and put on your strawberry lip gloss and smile, you robo-twat!And Jesus, is it just me or does little Susie look traumatized already? Kinda like that kid from The Brood post-hatebaby attack.

A word of advice kids: don't repeat that limerick that Uncle Barry taught you over the summer, the one about Nantucket.You know what? Just keep your mouth shut. Take your candy, say "Thank you" and move on. Adults can only fake-laugh so much before they reach for the booze, and drunk adults handing out treats doesn't always work out so well. They forget they've run out of candy and start handing out S.O.S. pads, tubes of caulking compound and triple A batteries. Hence why the children on the left there look like someone just kicked a puppy.