Don't Breathe (2016)

K, let's get the obligatory shit out of the way.

Don't Breathe
Year released: 2016
Starring: The guy who got tied to a wheelchair and set on fire after having his lips bitten off in Manhunter, the chick who just did that fucking awful remake/reboot of Evil Dead, some scrawny geeky white kid, some guy who wants to be black but isn't, a really slobbery rottweiler and a turkey baster.
Synopsis: Three dead end kids in present day Detroit make living by robbing houses and set their sights on reclusive Iraqi war vet with a rumored buttload of cash stashed in his dilapidated house, conveniently situated in an abandoned neighborhood. Oh, and he's blind so this should be totes easy. Except he's got a fucking arsenal, good aim, an aggressive dog and a girl tied up in his basement.

Alright now, I sat down and watched it and now I has questions, please.

~~~HERE LYETH MAJOR SPOILERS~~~

#1 - These kids are good at what they do. One of them is the son of the guy who owns the alarm company that installs the state-of-the-art anti-theft devices in these people's homes, so they have an easy in. They wear gloves, they don't take cash, they're not professionals but they're no slouches either. They're all terrified of being caught and going to jail...so the main guy thinks absolutely nothing of jacking off all over the hardwood floors and leaving a cum puddle right out in the open in front of God and everyone. Am I the only person who watches Forensic Files and Homicide Hunter? DNA, you genius fucksock. Just saying.

#2 - The Jerker Offer is a guy named Money. Seriously, his name is Money. How original. I'm changing my name to Pants. Nothing specific, just Pants. Or maybe Tissue. Anyway, Money is not black, but he's kinda made up to look black: cornrows, street slang, etc. I thought he was black throughout the entire film, but admittedly, the lighting on the copy I watched was shit. Anyway, because he's the closest thing to Black we have in this film, of course he dies first. Of course he does.

#3 - This is the other guy, whose name I think was Alex but I thought of him as Weenie Boy. Weenie Boy has a not-so-secret crush on Rocky (our cute, blonde tough girl, who is only Doing This so she can save her sweet kid sister from a life of trailer park trash-mom squalor and spirit her away to California so she can surf and live happily ever after) and must now be The Hero and get them both out of Crazy Blind Guy's fortress-like house. At one point, Weenie Boy defenestrates the hell out of a second story window, crashes through some plate glass and gets stabbed with the Biggest Fucking Pair of pruning shears I've ever seen in my goddamned life. Seriously, you could castrate four elephants simultaneously with those things. Anyway, Crazy Blind Guy slams the shears down into his face/throat region and walks off. But Weenie Boy miraculously gets up a few minutes later, clear headed and able-bodied. Wtf?

#4 - So, it's been firmly established that the character of Cindy Whateverhernameis is a rich girl who avoided jail time by paying off Crazy Blind Guy in a tidy settlement after Cindy accidentally killed his daughter in what I think was a car crash? Anyway, she's chained up down in his basement, but rich white girls don't really Go Missing without everyone knowing about it. Wouldn't the cops have been swarming all over the house of the one guy with the most motive to do her harm? Also, she's pregnant with Crazy Blind Guy's baby. More on that in a minute. He's promised to release her once she gives birth and replaces the child she stole from him. Yeah, and how does that work again? You think she's not gonna tell? Dude, you didn't really think this through, did you?

#5 - Okay, so Cindy gets caught in the crossfire and dies, Crazy Blind Guy is full tilt boogie bananas now because that was his baby in her belly, so he catches Rocky and decides he's going to impregnate her. With a turkey baster full of sperm. His sperm. Which he keeps in a refrigerator. Does that actually work? And even if it does, do you really need the WORLD'S BIGGEST TURKEY BASTER to inseminate her? And how the fuck much do you masturbate, because that's like 400mLs of cold sperm you got there, buddy. You could knock up an entire congregation of Republican spinsters with just a fraction of what you have in that thing. Holy shit, do you whack like 47 times a day? Is it normal for you to shoot off 20 gallons of cum at a time? Is your cock actually Mount Pinatubo?

#6 - Rocky, saved by Weenie Boy in the nick of time, does not get impregnated. After a fierce battle, she gets away...by setting off the fire alarm in the guys house and momentarily deafening him. Regardless of the fact that the guy has been firing guns at close range all fucking night and reacts not at all. I mean, I know those alarms are ear-splittingly, sound-barrier explodingly, horrifyingly banshee-fucking-a-Syren-while-a-car-alarm-symphony-serenades-them loud af, but still...he's been firing guns all night. Guns that momentarily deafened Rocky, for shits sake.

#7 - Money and Weenie Boy both die. Rocky escapes with the loot and we see her with her kid sister at the bus station, getting ready to leave forever to California. The terminal TV broadcasts a live report on the fatal shooting of two armed hooligans who broke into a former War Hero's house. Crazy Blind Guy survived and is en route to hospital. He did not mention Rocky, or the cash she stole, allowing her to get away scot free. But...aren't the cops going to find that dungeon downstairs? And the cum collection in the fridge? At some point? Maybe? And even though it's her sister, isn't Rocky technically kidnapping? I mean, even though her mom is a trashy, Wal-Mart off-brand whore with a sentient dumpster for a boyfriend, doesn't she still have legal custody? Even if she doesn't report it, won't the absence of Kid Sis and Rocky eventually be noticed by a neighbor? Or the school system?

This is the shit that keeps me awake at night.