Glen Was 60 Feet Tall!

It's a wet, gray Saturday afternoon here in New England, and ...yeah, I'm watching MST3k reruns because I have nothing better to do.

Episode #319, War of the Colossal Beast the 1959 sequel to the 1958 wet fart entitled The Amazing Colossal Man.

This film has a few flaws.

New Joyce-y - So, Glenn suddenly has a sister. Even though his fiance Carol quite clearly stated in the first film that Glenn had no family and was all alone in the world except for her. This means either one of two things. Either Carol was a manipulative, abusive gaslighter who went to great lengths to cut Glenn off from his friends and family in an attempt to control and isolate him and make him completely dependent upon her. Or, his sister Joyce - a shrill, demanding, naggy bitch whose every line of dialog ends with a question mark regardless of whether or not the sentence preceding it was, indeed, a question - was abandoned as a shrill, demanding, naggy child by her exasperated family who couldn't stand the mercilessly eternal bandsaw-through-chalk griping for another moment.

Worst. Up-skirt shot. Ever.

The Peculiar Pristine Pampers - Glenn has been missing for...uh, well, long enough for his severe facial scars to have healed up and scabbed over. When last we saw him, he was plunging to his death down into Boulder Dam, sporting a pair of clumsy diapers, wrapped around his colossal whang and beastly buttcrack like a testicular turban. Now surely, the diapers should have been loosened by the rushing waters, if not washed away with the tide out to sea, there to strangle several thousand seagulls, couple of schools of dolphin and finally wind up lodged in the esophagus of a sperm whale. But nope, Glenn shows up with half a face and a brand new pair of sparkling white mummy undies. Are we supposed to believe that this is the same pair, somehow magically kept laundered, bleached and ironed? Or has the brain damaged Glenn (whose entire vocabulary consists of the words "URRRRNNNNGGGGG" and its many variants) somehow managed to find an inexhaustible supply of white linen with which to wrap his man parts? Wouldn't he just be wandering around Mexico with his pilar de la carne flapping in the wind?

Arthur & Lori - Who the fuck are these kids? I mean, it's bad enough that Bert I. Gordon never knew when to end a fucking shot, dragging out such riveting, dialog-less scenes of people dialing phones, starting cars and/or toying with Erlenmeyer flasks for a full minute. Worse still that he wrote exposition the way some lonely, terminally single, middle aged man with a preference for khakis and an abundance of body oil writes instruction manuals for toasters. But for damn near full on five fucking minutes, at the climax of the film, just as the promised War of the title is about to begin, Bertie decides to aim the camera at Arthur - a scrawny shrimp of a kid who will undoubtedly grow up to be a lonely, terminally single, middle aged man with a preference for khakis and an abundance of body oil writing instruction manuals for toasters - tries desperately to impress the 6th grade version of Gina Lollabrigida, ignoring the calls of their frantic spinster teacher to return to the bus immediately, it's time for a field trip to the steak and martini ranch! Perhaps sensing the tedium of teenage hormones, Bert intercuts this scene with even more annoying scenes, featuring Lori's Xanax addicted mother providing Stepford Wife exposition in a tone of voice that speaks of the recently lobotomized. Are these the producers kids? Who gives a fuck about these people? If this was an attempt to build up sympathy for the soon-to-be-endangered kids, it failed horribly. I was personally hoping that Glenn would crumple up the bus like a fucking harmonica and use it to clean his toenails.