The 15 Minute "Meh" Mark

What a relief it is to no longer be a "professional" horror film reviewer, to be out of the "horror community" (like I was ever a real part of it, anyway). I no longer have to sit through films I would ordinarily scroll right past in the Netflix queue, one look at the garish cover art enough to make my anus pucker like a frightened butterfly. No more do I have to accept assigned reviews from "bosses" who don't pay me, or watch yet another distributor cut off contact with me because I refused to give their piece of shit kiddie flick a good review. It's been years since I received hate mail from a disgruntled director/writer/producer whose ass I failed to kiss. I am done. Done. I write when I feel like, if I feel like, about whatever the fuck I feel like.

And good timing too. Either my attention span is waning with age, or movies nowadays are just really soulless and crappy. Is it just me, or are the vast majority of movies coming out just really plastic and void of personality? Or am I just getting more curmudgeonly? I can barely sit through a full length film anymore without getting fidgety, thinking that perhaps my time would be better spent doing my nails or cleaning the kitty litter out of the gaps between the floorboards. So I have a new rule for myself now - if the film fails to engage me within the first fifteen minutes, off it goes. If I'm really bored/lazy I will FFW through it, pausing at the gore scenes and meandering through the end just so I have the gist of the tale. But mostly I just don't care. I'm so bored. I spend my free time watching reruns of Forensic Files or Are You Being Served? because I just can't be fucked to waste my time anymore. I was scrolling through my history on Netflix and couldn't remember a single thing about any of the movies I apparently watched over the last six months. I used to love watching movies. I anticipated them, longed for them, consumed them. Now my appetite is gone. The hunger is still there, but nothing satisfies. It's like craving a great big, drippy, greasy steak sandwich covered in globs of cheese and fried mushrooms, but all that's in the fridge is a stale whole wheat bagel and half a bottle of French's brown mustard.

Anyway, here is a brief list of movies I wanted to like and tried to like, but ended up shutting off fifteen minutes in because BORED.

Oculus

Nobody's ponytail swings that hard without some effort on the part of the ponytail owner. Also, if the mirror can manipulate time, vision and perception, why the hell couldn't it manipulate a cell phone alarm?





 
Dream House

I knew within fifteen minutes that Daniel Craig's flawless wife and unbelievably adorable children were dead. Oh sorry, spoiler alert. Also, I hate Naomi Watts.






 


Starry Eyes

A bunch of vacuous twats living in LA - the capital of Vacuous Twatland - have one slightly less vacuously twatty friend who decides to become the biggest vacuous twat ever and kills any vacuous twat who gets in her way, all so she can become Hedwig Schmidt.







Proxy

I wanted to like this one so very much because I loved the director's previous film Scalene. And Proxy had a great core storyline going for it. But the relentless use of VonTrier-esque slo-mo and several gaping plot holes left me wanting.







Gravity

Ridiculously overdramatic, melodramatic twaddle with an annoyingly triumphant score that borders on the silly. Nothing at all new or innovative going on here. It's Dead Calm in space.










Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Pffft, like anyone with a functioning brain really expected this to be anything other than dog crap. This franchise is a fucking joke whose punchline has worn out its welcome already.









Deliver Us From Evil

I knew this was going to suck going in. And it did. But I have an enormous crush on Eric Bana and admittedly watched it just to see him. This movie has little to do with the book it was based upon and was a huge letdown after the surprisingly decent Sinister. Could have been so much better, but it relies to heavily on formulaic jump scares and effects that feel borrowed from a James Wan flick. I fucking hate James Wan flicks.





Mama

I didn't care.
I just.
Didn't.
Care.









Thus far, I have yet to watch The Babadook, Tusk, It Follows or Only Lovers Left Alive, all of which have received hype which is practically impossible to live up to. I was able to work up a minute amount of enthusiasm for At the Devil's Door, Horns and Snowpiercer, although one viewing was enough for each. I loved only What We Do In The Shadows and would actually watch it again and again. That's pretty sad. And maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just burned out and jaded and all kinds of no fun anymore, but I just don't "get" the hype surrounding these films. I understand where it's being manufactured and for what purpose, but the acceptance of that hype within the film community? No, I don't get that at all.