Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

Please to be having an As-It-Happens review of this not good movie, won't we?

Oh goody, just what I wanted to see in the films prologue/opening shot: Bababoowie's ass cheeks.

Duh. Der Doy.

Christmas, 2013, and an average, suburban Santa Rosa family has just gotten the gift they never wanted: a 70s porn star, complete with horrifying mustache, moves in with them. Hurrah.

I have no idea who the hell these people are. I'm assuming Hot Slender Brunette is Mrs. Wife, the guy holding the camera is Mr. Husband and adorable little girl is Miss Daughter. No clue who the hot blond with the jiggly boobs is - the Au Pair? Wife's friend? Part time bisexual threesome member, perhaps? Porno Mustache is possibly Mr. Husband's brother? Fuck it, we'll find out if it matters and I'll decide if I give a shit.

Oh hey look! A diesel truck sized camera tucked into a box that no one in the house has ever seen before! It must have been left behind by the previous tenants. Let's start playing with it immediately! OOoooo! AND a whole box of crudely labeled video tapes! Oh goody, I hope they're pornos! Oh darn, they're not, just boring old home movies of a hot mom and her two cherubic daughters from the 1980s...being hypnotized by some creepy beardy guy.

Cue spooky knocking sounds.

Cue idiot Porno Mustache wandering around dark corridors with camera.

Cue both acting like immature idiots.

Does Blonde Booby Queen ever wear pants? I mean, I know it's California, but Daisy Dukes in December?

Christ, here we go again. Toby. Toby? Toby Wong. Toby Wong? Toby Wong. Toby Chung? Fucking Charlie Chan. I got shit 3D coming out of my left ear, and Toby the Jap... I don't know what - comin' out of my right.

Honey, check it out! Our little girl is getting up in the middle of the night and saying "Bloody Mary" backwards in front of the bathroom mirror! Oh, and those two little girls we saw on those video tapes? They used to live here, but the house burned down and they disappeared and the house we live in now was built on top of the ashes of the old one, so I think it would be a really good idea if I did exactly what they did 30 years ago and set up cameras all over the place to see if I can find some creepy shit going on that will endanger you, me and our daughter! Isn't that a great idea?

Spiffy neato. There's a talking oil geyser in lambkins bedroom.

Seriously. Six films into the franchise (the fourth of which I skipped, sue me) and I'm still expected to fear a demonic entity named TOBY?

So...what does any of this have to do with Katie and baby Hunter? And/or the Mexican kid from the barrio?

This particular manifestation of evil looks a lot like a hair clog that my landlord once pulled out of my bath tub drain.

When approaching a dark, silent figure standing in the shadows with their back to you, always reach out to touch their shoulder.

Yo, Father Casual Friday - haven't you ever seen The Exorcist? Never get too close to a kid who has already bitten someone, I don't care if it happened off screen. Also, your advice to the family to ignore the problem until it goes away doesn't work on schoolyard bullies and won't work with demons either, you putz. Not even crappy hair clog demons named Toby.

Jesus, turn a fucking light on, willya? You can afford to keep the Christmas tree lights and your daughter's hot pink glitter lamp on all night, but you can't flip on the kitchen overhead in the middle of the fucking night to see what's causing the scary noises?

Hey honey? We just discovered videotaped evidence of a murder having taken place here thirty years ago, so me and the only other man in the house are going to leave you and our increasingly creepy possessed little girl alone in the house for a while, giving Toby yet another opportunity to show up, throw some furniture around and scare the shit out of you! Okay?

Look, it's been a week. Can you all just gather in the living room with all of the lights on and spend the night in communal, well-lit terror like any other sane family would who cannot escape their personal demon? Why do you keep putting her to bed by herself? How the fuck can you even sleep?

STOP ASKING "What was that?" EVERY TIME YOU HEAR A DISEMBODIED NOISE?!?!?! The answer is ALWAYS going to be "I don't know." Okay?

Alright well, the multidimensional doorway into Hell is pretty nifty looking in a Poltergeisty ripoff kinda way, I'll give you that much for free. 

How does 2005 = 666? Admittedly, math has never been my best subject but I'm pretty sure you're miscalculating.

*huge disgusted sigh* Okay, tired movie franchise, me and you gotta talk. You are BORING. You are telling the same goddamned story over and over and over again and just dropping new characters in and hoping we won't notice. You have used the same ending at least three times now. You are the Nicholas Sparks of horror movies. Stop showing us the black eyed little girls and the coven of witches unless you're actually going to expand on that premise, because they suck as backdrop material.

If you insist upon continuing as a series, try and think of something new to do. Like, tell us who the fuck Toby is, and why he has such a candyass name as Toby. Who the hell is/was Diane, you know, that chick from the first movie whose name was spelled out on the Ouija board? What exactly is to be gained by giving Toby a human form? It's not like he's the AntiChrist. At least, he'd better not be. I refuse to accept an AntiChrist named Toby.